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22 and unsure if my sex life is already over!

9 replies

Bumblebee2002 · 09/06/2024 21:24

I've been with my boyfriend (he's 29) for nearly four years and we have a 5 month old baby. At the beginning he had trouble maintaining an erection which he said was due to nervousness- he got over that in about a month and sex was regular and he seemed to desire me a lot as is typical. Then after a few months it dipped to maybe once a week, then once a fortnight. It was me initiating 80% of the time. He initiated maybe once a month. He moved into his parents at 2 1/2 years while we were saving and then I moved in too once my lease was up. Initially he was up for quiet sex or waiting for his parents to go out but after maybe two months he lost all interest. If I initiated he'd say no or ask for oral instead. He never initiated after this point. Had sex maybe once every two months. Then we bought a house and found out I was 31 weeks pregnant in the same week just before our 3 year anniversary. He seemed basically sexually repulsed by me pregnant. Had our son in December and for a while I was recovering and baby is a huge clinger so there was no chance of sex. In March baby became happy to chill alone for a bit and we had sex (I initiated) and once since (I initiated). He just seems totally uninterested in sex and it makes me really upset. For one being undesired is horrid, I haven't changed lookswise at all aside from a few stretch marks and maybe 5lbs after baby and I've had plenty of interest from other men over the past four years so it's not really a me problem. I get a few pecks on the lips a day and he'll jokily squeeze my boob or something like that. That's it. He is my favourite person and I love him terribly so the idea of leaving him over this is not one I take lightly. I've been on his phone and not found any evidence of a porn addiction or anything like that. I just don't know what to do as the situation and my future sex life is very bleak. Has anyone been through this??? Help!!

OP posts:
NinaOakley · 09/06/2024 21:52

You need to talk to him. My early twenties are a distant memory and it’s not okay or fair for you to be feeling your sex life is over.

Fs365 · 10/06/2024 09:07

some men think ( rightly or wrongly) that having sex while pregnant might hurt the child , but He might see you as a mother not a lover now .

( how did you not know you were 7 months pregnant) 🫄

is he still having performance issues, when you initiate is he enjoying it, is the sex good for both of you?

some men take time to adjust to becoming a father for the 1st time,
you might have to be the one doing the initiation for a while, what contraception are you using as he might be avoiding sex if he doesn’t want more children right away

altmember · 10/06/2024 11:44

He just has a lower sex drive than you. Plus there might be a fear of getting you pregnant again (hence request for iral instead)?

If you can't find a happy compromise on frequency then your relationship is probably doomed.

Sparrowball · 10/06/2024 12:30

This has been going on for years so it's nothing to do with your pregnancy or baby.

He clearly has a very low sex drive and needs to see his GP for advice. Asking you when oral when you try to initiate sex must be very frustrating, does he at least reciprocate?

Bumblebee2002 · 10/06/2024 18:47

I have tried talking to him, he'll deflect and then change the subject. I've asked if there's any issues causing it etc but he just says nope and moves on. I'm not sure what else to say to him.

OP posts:
Bumblebee2002 · 10/06/2024 18:52

@Fs365 I was on the pill to get rid of my periods as I had very painful ones, so I didn't have the lack of it as a symptom nor did I have any other symptoms. I didn't show at all or gain any weight until seven months. I woke up one day and thought I'd grown a cyst overnight! Turns out it was a baby😂

No performance issues for well over a year. I assume he enjoys it- he finishes and will say it was good etc. He'll even say things like "I missed that" as if he's not the reason we don't do it regularly! I have a copper iud as contraception as obviously the pill wasn't right for me haha.

OP posts:
Bumblebee2002 · 10/06/2024 18:54

@altmember

The oral thing started way before baby. It seems more like a he can't be bothered to put the effort into sex kind of thing. I do have the copper coil as contraception.

OP posts:
Bumblebee2002 · 10/06/2024 18:56

@Sparrowball I've though about suggesting going to the GP in case its a low testosterone thing but I don't know how to bring it up without it sounding like I'm telling him he's not a proper man. And no he doesn't reciprocate. He's actually never made sure I get there! I'm sure it sounds a bit mad that I want to sleep with him😂

OP posts:
Fs365 · 12/06/2024 12:30

don’t know why you think your sex life is over, you may never to initiate more often, but give less oral and just make it clear that you are “open” to any advances from him , especially if he has no performance issues

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