Feeling frustrated

[BMWL]

Husband and I have been married for 6 years, together 10, and have 2 children together.
Sex has always been great, but I've noticed something over the last while.. it's always me coming onto him.. never the other way around.. and if he's not in the mood he will turn it down and it's really starting to give me a complex that he doesn't want to have sex with me

Should I just go on a sex ban and see how long it takes for him to realise?

I wish he would just grab me and throw me onto the bed for hours of passionate sex but that will never happen

I'm feeling so down by it, and like he's not attracted to me anymore or something

You’re an adult in a relationship, try talking to him.

I'm in the same boat, I'm the one who instigates almost every time and turned down most of time which happens more frequently these days - wife's sex drive gone down a lot over years whilst mine is v similar to how it's always been. It can be pretty soul destroying.

In your situation backing off yourself could be risky strategy. What you want is for him to initiate and make the move, rather than relying on you doing that and making all the effort but there is risk it backfires and just leads to you having less sex.

Would he ever initiate if you give a hint/tease earlier on that there may be possibility of sex later? Or would he still expect you to make the first move then?

@ShapeYouMake oh cool thanks I didn't think of that

@Anotherlurkingmale I would say to him something along the lines of wanting to have sex later that night but it's always me then in the evening saying 'oh do you want to come to bed' or me making the first move when we are in bed

I tried it on this morning and he said he's too tired so wanted an extra 30mins sleep before he gets up for work

I just feel deflated about it to be honest.
When I have brought up that it's always me making the first move he says it's not true and that's as far as the conversation goes

That's a shame, and must be incredibly frustrating. I wonder if he's just got too comfortable in the routine with you initiating. Has he always turned down some of your advances or is this a more recent thing which has happened over time?

Maybe you're right - maybe I need to switch up the routine.. he used to initiate but that was before we had kids and now he probably just takes it that I'm too tired unless I initiate it

I need to change the routine but just not sure where to start. I find as much as the sex is amazing when we have it - it's always the same (same positions etc)

Always initiating and regularly getting rejected is tough and unfair in an equal relationship . There will always possibly be one partner that takes the lead but it is hot and good for the self esteem to be wanted now and again if not regularly

I think from what I’ve learnt on here withholding or not initiating is a bad strategy and could lead to more frustration.

if you have really sat him down and told him how it makes you feel? If you have and he’s not listening then that’s difficult.

have you tried sexting explicitly what you want to do to him when he gets home so he is in no doubt you want to be taken as you describe above ? possibly with an accompanying visual or sound note .

Another thing and he probably doesn’t deserve and is higher risk if he was to turn you down is to up your visual maybe when kids are asleep come down with a little surprise naked under dressing gown, the old trope of some new lingerie or my favourite a short summer nightie with no pants 🥵

After that I think your into the deeper stuff. how he’s feeling How he sees you now your the mother to his children. Any performance anxiety I am not a big believer in it but his porn use.

I know both Emily Nagowski and Karen Gurney both have books out about sex and LTR and how kids affect it. So you’re definitely not alone.

best of luck!!

Should I just go on a sex ban and see how long it takes for him to realise?

^^ this is just going to put you on the path to a sexless relationship, it’s more common I think for the man to initiate ( and get rejected), so you are in the male role really and there is no reason why not

sound like he wants you to lead more or he thinking he doesn’t want to force you

I can confirm this is not the way to go. I tried it, and I think we had sex all of a handful of times in a whole calendar year. We've since tried talking about it and he's basically said he's just never really been an initiator, it's not his comfort zone, so I'd have had a long wait.

We've discussed some signals, like a specific colour of t shirt or pair of pjs for example being a sort of signal that i'm 'initiating without actually initiating'. It's nice to have the other person start things now and again, so we're trying to work together on how to address the balance when it's out of his comfort zone. Haven't put it to the test yet though.

Sex is often a barometer for the rest of the relationship/ domestic situation and is best when either everything else is peachy or (like in the initial phases of a relationship) we're only focusing on the relationship itself.
If the sex used to be better and he now wants to sleep rather than fuck, there's possibly something that's not getting communicated. It's possible that's unintentional and neither of you know what it is, so looking at the relationship and how it has been over the period of this decline is a good place to start.
A relationship / sex counsellor might be worth considering but that will only help if you are BOTH willing to change yourselves.
Good luck. ❤️

I do hope your other half wakes up to your needs.
Sadly, I'm in a similar situation where my wife is totally disinterested in sex and any advances I make are met with indifference.
It has reached a point where I am seriously considering an affair.

Have you discussed counselling or divorce with her or, perhaps, just had an open, honest, respectful conversation about your relationship?
Any of those seem to me to be a better route to long term happiness than deceit and betrayal.

This. You need to know what the problem is instead of trying to guess with all this maybe this and probably that. Playing games and thinking a sex ban could help is immature.

Maybe he’s just not that into you anymore, maybe he’s stressed with work, maybe a million things. You’re an adult and need to communicate.

It seems very common for one partner to loose interest - in my marriage it’s my wife. I guess it’s why divorce rates are so high.