Occupying a body I dont recognise/want/care about anymore

[cantbelieveimthatwoman]

Wanted to post this here because I feel like I can’t be the only person to have experienced this…and hoping someone might be able to give me some advice/hope. Full disclosure - the following is really pathetic and self-absorbed, so if that’s all you’ve got to say in the comments, it’s already noted and you don’t need to. I’m at a really low ebb and just need advice.

Since having my child a few years ago, I sort of view my body as just this….thing to lug about and shove clothes on and wash and generally just occupy. I realise sometimes that I’ve gone the full day without having looked in a mirror…and will have stood in front of one several times, just haven’t looked up while washing hands/ brushing teeth/ walking past one.

Regarding reasons, it’s hard to pinpoint. It was an awful birth, needed surgery and blood transfusions etc. The body I have now is probably a size bigger, with saggy everything, and haemorrhoids and a vagina that’s not quite the same. I look permanently knackered and dehydrated, because I am, and my face seems to sag more and more with each day. My boobs are no longer things I associate with sex or attraction, because anything touching them reminds me of bf’ing and gives me the ick. The idea of wearing make up feels like rolling a turd in expensive glitter.

The reason this is posted to this topic particularly is, as you might have guessed, the way this has become most obvious to my husband is in our sex life. Which doesn’t exist. I can picture my body in bed doing the deed and it just repulses me to think of myself like that. So I don’t. But he keeps going on at me about why we don’t do it, telling me he has needs, telling me he’s attracted to me etc. I get that he needs sex, but at this stage I almost wish he’d go have it with someone else. There’s nothing attractive about me, and he just literally wants to have something to have sex with. (He actually bought a fleshlight around 6m after I gave birth when he still wasn’t getting any. Sort of hilarious, sort of not). I know I say I drag my body around and don’t care about it, but there’s something about lying there and being a receptacle that I think would mentally and emotionally break me, and I still value my sanity. Can’t do it.

I miss the old me. I used to love dressing up and wearing make up and, although I was never thin/ super attractive, I felt good, and sex was never an issue. I was only a size smaller, so it’s not as if I’m hugely more massive than I was. I just feel sort of….used up. Like my body created life, squeezed it out and this now is the leftover, stretched-out, scarred husk. We sometimes chat about whether or not we want another kid and he jokes about actually needing to have sex for that to happen. And I seriously do think to myself…oh yeah. Well no second kid then.

Please tell me someone else has been here, and that it changes. And thanks if you managed to read this far. It’s really depressing shit.

I think there are two issues here; one is your relationship with your body (which I think you need to reframe) and the other is your relationship with your husband which sounds like it needs a lot of work.
As far as your body goes think of all the things it does for you, all the pleasure it gives you. Maybe try doing something that reunites you with it - a sport that you enjoy, a meal you love, something that gives you an adrenaline rush, or an achievement like doing a hike you've always wanted to do or running a 10k, that kind of thing.
Honestly I've no idea what to do about your husband. He doesn't sound very understanding but perhaps with some discussion he can understand how you feel a bit better.

Your thoughts and feelings are valid. Don’t dismiss them as pathetic.

Ive been in your shoes, traumatic birth, trying to heal a body that didn’t feel like mine anymore, I also had PND. Sex was not on my radar at all, I no longer felt like a sexual being. My partner was supportive and understanding and as time passed I became more like my old self.

I wanted to reach out to offer you hope. In our case, riding out the dark days together brought us closer, and gradually intimacy increased. Sex is better now than before. Really!

Have you considered relationship counselling? I can remember all the insecurities and feeling very different after giving birth, but I still craved the intimacy with dh and our sex life recovered.

It sounds like yours needs to be working on communicating to you that you offer more than a fleshlight. Have you had any mental health support following the birth? It sounds traumatic and there may be some unresolved trauma and dissociation there.

I feel like I can resonate with this feeling. I had my daughter during the pandemic and PND saw me gain 3 stone through comfort eating. I'm about 6 stone overweight and feel hideous. I don't recognise myself and can't even contemplate sex. No advice but I get the feeling. X

Being able to disassociate and objectively see that things as they are, aren’t working for you, is really positive.
Someone once made a speech when they ‘quit’ their job about how ‘it’s never too late to reinvent yourself’ and I found it quite inspiring.

You need to see your GP and get help.

No one here can diagnose you or make you feel better. It could be postnatal depression or PTSD after a traumatic birth. You might need meds or counselling.

You've made the first step and acknowledged there's a problem. I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time and I hope things get better for you and your relationship with your husband. Call your GP tomorrow and get yourself back.

Hi everyone,

Just want to thank you for all your replies - each was really considerate and thoughtful, and it was such a relief to have gotten this off my chest and to be believed and empathised with. It’s beyond encouraging to know that I’m not the only one to have experienced this. I think a lot of the commenters here hit the nail on the head when they said there’s some reconciliation needed with my body. It’s had a tough time, but pulled me and my child through it, and probably needs more love than I’ve been giving it.

There are, for sure, some things I need to discuss with a qualified professional, and I hope nobody thought I was looking for that here. I just wanted to know I wasn’t the only person feeling this - because it’s v new to me - and, if I wasn’t, what insights could others offer me. That being said, Sparrowball, I appreciate your advice and think you’re right; the length of time this has festered in my head probably warrants a chat with my GP. Thank you for saying that.

Flipflop76 - thank you for sharing that and I hope you find a way through this too. It’s such a difficult experience. I hope you’ve taken the same encouragement that I have from the replies here and found something that resonates with you.

♥

Wishing you the very best of luck with it, you deserve to be happy and comfortable in your own skin.

While it must feel very lonely you're not alone. I don't think anyone thought you were looking for treatment here BTW so I wouldn't worry about that.

How old is/are your child(ren)? I spent a long time after my pregnancies feeling knackered, fat/flabby and generally down. I wasn’t diagnosed with PND but suspect I had it at a low level at least. The combination of that with a very full on full time job and marital strife meant that for years I didn’t feel sexy at all.

I would encourage you to seek some professional assistance / counselling before it goes on too long. I ended up separating from my husband when my younger child was 7 - which felt a pretty rubbish outcome at the time. But the silver lining is that three years post separation (and having gone on HRT last year) I’m now feeling much younger and more energetic - and having plenty of hot sex with a new guy! I wasn’t sure I would ever “get that back” - but it is possible!

Agree 100%.
Severe PND was my 1st thought on reading cantbelieveimthatwoman original post.

Having been on the receiving end of this it is VERY hard for a loving husband to cope with the changes and damage PND can bring to a relationship.

To cantbelieveimthatwoman herself, I say get help from your GP, a tall order in its self given the state of NHS Management at the moment, but MAKE SURE your other half IS included to help him understand your problems.

Been there. I had sex with my husband once or twice a month for years. It actually just became this thing that I had to endure for him. He’d get the lube out because I wouldn’t be wet, because we didn’t do foreplay or even kiss. Still mostly clothed half the time, I’d tell him he had to be quick and as soon as it was over I’d be up and in the loo cleaning up and pleased my job was done for another little while.

however now my children are older, and he told me that life was too short for this shit, I put some effort in. And can I tell you my life sexually has changed. I now give blowjobs and I enjoy every second of it. Unless it’s first thing in the morning, we are kissing. I send sexy photos, I dress up, we do several diffeeent positions and have sex in different locations.

as a by product of this extra sex (which I am enjoying), I want to take care of my body. My skin I want to be soft and smooth for his pleasure. I want to be tanned so I look good in my sexy underwear. I want make up on so he looks at me and desires me. I want to lose a few lbs so I feel more comfortable with my arse in the air. I want my toes painted and I want to wear nice clothes.

basically it all goes hand in hand. Feel better about yourself and you’ll want more sex. Have more sex and you’ll want to look after yourself.

it’s so hard when you’ve been ‘touched out’ by young children all day, not a lot of sleep and your body isn’t your own. I breastfed two children and completely understand the feeling about your boobs. But you are a human, you are a woman’, you do deserve pleasure and SO DOES YOUR HUSBAND. as a man he needs to be desired and wanted, but you also need to feel the same.

put yourself out there. Enjoy it. And maybe everything else will slot into place.

Thanks so much for that @ZippyZappyZoo .

One further thought.

Isn't it interesting how, when a man buys himself a sex toy after six months of NOTHING (and we presume, many additional months of nothing before the baby was born too), it's "hilarious" and must mean he "literally just wants something to have sex with". Generally seen as a pathetic move.

Yet when women do the same, their sex positivity is a thing to be encouraged and celebrated. In fact, I can see an ad for a female sex toy on my screen right above this post!

I…don’t know what the purpose of your post is. Surely the general tone of mine would tell you that nothing about this situation is actually hilarious, it was a sarcastic/ acerbic comment. If you’d missed that, then I suppose that might go some way towards explaining why you thought I might be receptive to the ideas you went on to develop in your post. Sex toy-based gender discrimination, that what’s really at the heart of this. Of course.

read the room.

That's an incredible nasty and tone deaf response give the OP.

It's not like any of the replies have even referenced the flashlight.

@marriedtoafob isn’t it interesting that you’ve read a heartbreaking post about a woman’s attempt to piece herself and her sexuality back together post childbirth and that was your take home message.

I agree at least somewhat with ZippyZappyZoo. No sex / avoiding sex tends to breed more no sex. That's just something I've found throughout my life.

I think many mothers would recognise that post-partum disconnection feeling. I went from being SpringleDingle and became E's mum. All medical professionals called me E's mum. My body was no longer my own. My life / time was no longer my own. My H seemed to just sail on through his life. He wasn't up 4 times a night for some little beastie to paw over. My body looked different, felt different. The hemarroids were a nightmare. None of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit right but there was no way I could go clothes shopping with a screaming baby so I bought on-line and they didn't fit well either.

All of this made me feel un-sexy and frustrated, angry, resentful of my H. None of that made me want to have sex so I didn't. We limped on and evenutally we divorced. I felt no sexier for about 8 months after we separated and then suddenly... BOOM.

You have my sympathy. I agree with see your GP in case it is PPD. Consider whether your H could be doing more to give you more time. Resentment is the killer of libido.