Husband never wants to be intimate

[gigimargaret]

This issue has pained me since I fell pregnant with our first child over seven years ago. We struggled to get pregnant for a couple of years and during that time we devoted our time and money to have a baby. We were eventually blessed and our first baby was born. Since I track every period and sexual activity on an app, I can trace back to find out how long we had gone without sex after our first child was born and it's a shocking number. 26 months! I know our child didn't sleep well as a result we were both knackered. Our 2nd was conceived a lot more easily and only after a few attempts. After I gave birth, it was another 28 months until we slept together again! I've never been an unwilling participant. I never deny him sex. I have brought this up with him numerous times over the years in various ways. His answers were "I can't be bothered", "I never really feel like it" or "We sleep in different bedrooms" (our children are bad sleepers and we take it in turn to sleep in each of their room). It's also worth noting we have a spare bedroom that we could use. It's not that he hasn't had desire. I've seen he watches porn quite regularly on his phone (our kids go on his phone all the time and would pass it to me for help and I see open tabs on his browsers). We have ups and downs in our marriage like most couples do. But I simply can't carry on like this. Before I met him, I had regular sex with each of my exes - quite adventurous with some of them in fact. He's in his early 40s and I'm in my mid 30s. He treats me like a housemate most of the time. He hardly ever gives me a cuddle, kisses me or be affectionate. I feel life is too short to be stuck in a sexless, loveless marriage. We began to have a couple therapy but he refused to continue. What more can I do? I've really tried. I've been patient. I've been upset. He doesn't want to divorce (this among a few other issues we have) as he simply "can't be bothered with the hassle of a divorce."

I agree. Life is too short. If you've tried to resolve it and he really can't be bothered then I think it's over. It's awful but you're in your mid 30s and I'm more horny then ever now'

Your other half sounds incredibly selfish. It's hard to know what could explain his indifference towards you in this way, other than that he doesn't love you.

It must also hurt to know that this is role reversal compared to how many husbands find themselves after two children.

Could he be getting his needs met elsewhere?

It seems he doesn't have the energy for a marriage, and he doesn't have the energy for a divorce. Great!

Unfortunately for him the second one is not solely his decision.

I think it's time to show that you are serious about not tolerating this situation. Perhaps taking some initial steps might give him a wake up call? (Trial separation? Getting the house valued?)

And perhaps not, in which case you have some hard decisions ahead.

he doesn’t have to have sex with you & he doesn’t “owe” you sex either, no matter what some people might think, he might not enjoy sex , or not enjoy sex with you, or want to have sex with you - those are his choices

i think you bring up him not going to couples therapy and go down that line and explain that his choices are his choices, but your choice is not to say in the marriage

Since I track every period and sexual activity on an app, I can trace back to find out how long we had gone without sex after our first child was born and it's a shocking number. 26 months! I know our child didn't sleep well as a result we were both knackered. Our 2nd was conceived a lot more easily and only after a few attempts. After I gave birth, it was another 28 months until we slept together again!

^^
you clearly have had sex to have children, is he trying to avoid fathering another child ?

I'm wondering about the separate bedrooms, have heard of this with other couples whose sex lives have dwindled. Makes it more difficult to be spontaneous, don't think it's necessarily the cause here but doesn't help provide conditions for intimacy. On the porn use most importantly he needs to be more careful with his phone if kids are borrowing it regularly. Also I wonder if he's fallen into bad routine of consuming that (in privacy of own bedroom) rather than getting intimate with you. A non confrontational open honest conversation could help.

There's another thread here on couples trying to maintain good sex lives when they have young kids. It's not easy but I wonder how things are if/when you have house to yourselves. Also maintaining flirting, playful physical contact can be helpful on keeping desire up even if you're going through bit of a drought.

He sounds strangely apathetic though e.g. on divorce when you brought it up - would have thought there'd have been more of a reaction on that in either direction - doesn't seem like he wants to fight for you and your relationship.

Funny old thing, sex, eh.

Thanks @Fs365 , no of course nobody is "owed" sex. He doesn't have to have sex with you, nor does he have to make you feel wanted or loved, or engage with your attempts to address the situation, or come to counselling with you. He doesn't have to put any effort into the marriage at all. And you can't make him!

However.

One assumes that there remains an expectation of monogamy and faithfulness in the marriage. That means, if your husband is not meeting your sexual needs and refuses to even discuss the subject or try to do anything about it, then it's basically you and your vibrator until something changes, or you die.

I think OP's husband is being extremely selfish, unreasonable and in danger of losing something that many men would give their right arms for.

While I mostly agree with you- it’s his choice ( exactly the same as is for a woman), there are plenty of threads on this forum from women who don’t want sex and the advice is the same - don’t have sex you don’t want , and the same should apply to men.

trying to read between the lines, it’s probably less about sex and more about the relationship & how he feels about his wife and the relationship in general, they probably need to split and neither sounds particularly happy

He's simply lazy. He was raised to make no efforts for no one or nothing. I can see he's fallen into the same pattern as his parents. He lies on the couch watching TV programmes of his choice most nice - not engaging with me. I used to feel angry but now I feel hurt. It's driven me into depression that I'd think about how things are between us and cry randomly. I'm sure he's not having an affair as he's the kind of people that leave traces everywhere. He's also too lazy for that. I can't imagine him even trying that!

Falling out of love isn't our only problem. For the last couple of years, his family has been gaslighting me as well as going behind his back. I put up with them for 10 years and I had enough. Yet he defended them so it's made me feel very alone. Hence we started a couple therapy which wasn't quite enough when problems also come from elsewhere!

I filled out the divorce form a while back. He asked me not to submit it. I asked if he could move out to stay at his parents for a while. He also refused. When I said I've tried everything, I really have. I'm still relying on him financially but I'm going back to work very soon. I hope I shall have my ducks in a row then.

I appreciate your opinion. I really do. But he used to show that he'd rather enjoy himself and he still does on those rare occasions that we have sex. He's one to be forced to do anything if he doesn't want to.

The sleeping arrangement is part of the problem I realised. Things have got better over the last few months. Our oldest can sleep on his own and he sleeps through. Our youngest still needs one of us to be with him but he doesn't wake up as often as he used to. Yet my husband doesn't want to make a move. I showed him the Jamie Laing podcast with Paloma Faith and he still doesn't get it. I'm subtle. I'm outspoken. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm upset. None of this seems to work with him. He doesn't have any fight in him.

Yes you are married, but ultimately he will make his choices, and you will make yours. If you feel you have done all you can do, and he is refusing to engage with couples therapy sessions, then he really is sending quite a clear message to you about where you and your marriage lie in his priorities.

What you do about that is up to you. Would he be open to you seeing other people for sex? Have you broached that as an option? If he's as apathetic as he sounds he might be ok with opening up the marriage, althought I wouldn't see that as a long term solution because that would need a foundation of engagement with each other and excellent communication and I'm not sure that's present.

It's a shit position to be in, I wish you well.