Occassional, unvaried and frustrating...three words I wish didn't describe my sex life!

[statusquochangeneeded]

My OH has a lower sex drive than me. It was more evenly matched early on in our relationship but since we had the children (5&3) his interest has plummeted. I think we managed it fewer than 5x last year.

The past 6 years have seen 2 pregnancies, periods of co-sleeping, breastfeeding, horrible bereavements, illnesses, times of high stress etc. There have been months of little interest from either party. Also our youngest still isn't sleeping well and as DH works full time he spends most of the week in the spare bedroom to be sure he's well rested for work. But when back in our bed he still prioritises sleep over sex.

If we are intimate it's mostly swift unsatisfying. Foreplay is fun, but then I am quickly bypassed in favour of penetration (also fun) and his orgasm. If I stop things progressing before I've orgasmed he loses his erection. He seems to see sex as a very goal orientated process, rather than enjoying the overall sensation, which then makes it hard for me to relax as I feel pressure to orgasm before he gets bored and loses interest. Once he's orgasmed that seems to be him set for a few months whereas I'm left feeling frustrated. I do have a vibrator, but I prefer the intimacy that comes from climaxing with a partner. That's the bit I'm craving.

When I speak to him he said he's trying, but he's tired. This week he said 'it used to be better and it will be again, it's just the last 3 years or so have been a tiring time'. He's right...but 3 years of occasional, unsatisfying sex isn't sitting well with me. Also when I've brought it up he tends to gets really in his head about it which makes the next time we have sex even worse than usual, like I can feel him stressing about it. That was where trying to initiate it during the day came from, if you're too tired at night let's try this. But no.

I've tried initiating things during the day as we WFH and won't be interrupted, but DH is very much of a 'night time, in our bed' mindset. I think he's secretly an old man 😂We don't have family so there's no chance of going away for a night to spice things up. Outside of the bedroom we rarely touch or kiss unless I initiate it and even then it's chaste. He doesn't like to even kiss me on the lips in front of the kids (not expecting a full blown french kiss). Yesterday he needed to get into the kitchen cupboard and I tried to flirtily say he had to pay the toll to get me to move, he kissed me on the cheek like I was his grandmother. I sometimes feel like I'm living with my best friend.

I'm really attracted to him, and other than the physical side I wouldn't change our relationship for the world. He's the only person I've ever met with whom I could imagine spending the rest of my life with. I really think if I hadn't have met him I'd have not bothered with getting married or having children. I'd had relationships before but I had no intention of settling down, then I met this guy and it was like some sort of gong went off in my brain. He's kind, considerate in many ways, generous, funny, amazing with the kids, hard working. I want to grow old with this man, I love our life together. I have no desire to leave him at all. I just wish it was more pleasurable.

Not even sure how to phrase a question out of it. Just offloading how I'm feeling and wishing I knew how to make it better.

not sure where the 3 came from, should just say 'years of'.

Communication is the key to any mutually satisfying relationship. In the bedroom and outside the bedroom.

Each partner has an equal responsibility to ensure that the relationship is mutually healthy, enjoyable, satisfying and pleasurable.

Assuming there are no health or financial issues here, he has a choice. He either engages with you with a view to reaching a compromise that works for you both or he doesn't.

That's his choice. You can't force or coerce him. He needs to engage and communicate with you.

If he doesn't at some stage you will end up resentful and other problems will suddenly come to the surface.

Than you've to make a choice. I hope that it doesnt come to that.

You have moved from the lover role to the kids mother role in his eyes

Bleugh! How do I get back?

You have transformed from Lover to the kiddies Mummy as has been said.
Housekeeper is the next lowest step.
I would want to spend time and convince him that this is how he treats you.
It will not be easy getting him out of his "I am now the serious parent" role.

That’s tricky & probably less about the actual sex and more about how he views you, ( maybe)
you said his sex drive is lower, so you on the back foot already, coupled with all the child care issues - he might just see sex as another chore to deal with, rather than anything else - coupled with some mild ED sex is probably something to get out of the way for another good while, not a way to reconnect with you

OP, how were things in the early stages when you first got together? His sleep is obviously an important need but so are other things.

It sounds as if he might be trying to move on too quickly through fear of a lost erection. I’ve had sex with a number of men where the erection can go during the inappropriately named foreplay (the word minimises its importance) but this can usually be restored.

lf the erection thing is a bigger issue, then it is for him to try and address this, maybe with your support.

If you can climax from oral (I think most of us can), then l would suggest its a case of getting the thought women come first in his head. I have been criticised before on MN for saying l won’t have sex with someone who won’t go down on me (it’s my mantra) but it has worked to a lot of happiness.

The frequency aspect maybe improved if your both wanting the sex your having and it doesn’t sound great if I am honest. His rush to climax are your lack of orgasm is not ideal.

You also mention that when you discus it it makes him more in his head the next time. If forplay is fun what is fun about it. Does he give you oral is that mutual or is it a few licks before he jams it in?

If you’re worried about him loosing his erection while he’s giving you oral do you give him lots of feedback and encouragement. Our precious egos like a bit of stroking too. A few ooh & ahhs are always appreciated while we’re down there getting a woman to Orgasm on one’s tongue is delightful and can’t personally get my head around what there is not to like.

If it takes a while do you use toys together as a good quality wand to begin with could take the pressure off him to perform and he’s not too tired to hold it onto you.

You sound frustrated he doesn’t sound that bothered. There’s definitely somewhere in the middle if he’s willing to try and he will be sorry when you’ve gone. Plenty of husbands on here wishing their other half fancied them never mind actually wanting to shag them!!

best of luck 🤞

5 times in the last year is not healthy. And as @Anthonysimagination says, it is very much role reversal to the usual situation you find on here.

In situations like this the first question I always ask is whether the man might be getting it elsewhere.

OP:
> He's kind, considerate in many ways, generous, funny, amazing with the kids, hard working.

Denying you the intimacy you crave despite repeated attempts to communicate your needs is not kind or considerate or generous.

Or funny for that matter.

Unfortunately things like this rarely sort themselves out in my experience. The rest of your lives together is a long, long time to live with such frustration. Unless you can somehow convince him that things need to change then you'll need to decide if you can live with it.

As a potential practical step, I suggest you read Mind the Gap by Karen Gurney, and insist/demand that he reads it too.