Confused about experimenting

[MakeBetterChoices]

I am keen to try a few different things but am confused about whether I should in my current situation.

We recently tried something neither had done before (it was something he was really keen to do) and both enjoyed it but I'm not sure how I feel afterwards. He blows hot and cold from an affection point of view (we are fwb not in a relationship) and after this he went cold and it bothered me more than it normally would. It's made me think that he thinks less of me because I agreed to do it. It was nothing outrageous but when he said it's what he wanted he was reluctant to say and described it as dirty. Normal sex between us is not totally vanilla but is often really loving rather than what I call shagging.

Sexually I really trust him so I would love to experiment more and I know he does but could this possibly be a sign that he sees sex that isn't "love making' as dirty and therefore will see me in a different light. We talk quite openly about sex but I haven't had a chance to have a conversation with him about it yet but I doubt he would admit that's what he felt if it was the case.

I may just be overthinking but interested in others experiences and opinions. Is experimenting better in a proper relationship rather than in a fwb type situation from an emotional point of view? Has experimenting led to feeling differently about the other person?

Fwb or relationship, if you’ve got a dud that does not respect women, classifies some sexual activities as “not things nice girls do” or has issues with some of his own desires make a run for it!

It’s him, not you! An emotionally mature person can discuss their desires with a partner and find common ground. They can also be told “no, I don’t find that erotic” without sulking.

He is always respectful and I have no specific reason to think that this is even an issue I guess. I think it may more be coming from me. But you are right that there could be issues with sex with him. He has talked about things previously that indicate he has issues himself with sex. Nothing awful though. More to do with insecurities. If he does change his opinion of me then that is definitely a red flag and not one I want to be party to.

I wonder a bit it's that I require something a bit more stable and reassuring to feel comfortable. The hot and cold I am used to. He has explained why but it just felt different after this occasion I guess. Like a rejection.

Perhaps, if it was something he was always keen to do, it didn't turn out or feel like he expected it would and he needed a bit to digest that. I can imagine (and have had the experience myself) that coming to the realisation that a lifelong fantasy was just better in his head can be a bit of a downer in that moment. (obviously just guessing)

Yeah I guess that may have played a part. He was constantly asking if I was ok with it (I was) which obviously was respectful of him but I imagine that would've taken the shine off 🙈

Sounds a little contrived rather than done through the normal throes of passion. Perhaps it was more mechanical than affectionate iyswim.

No far from it. It just kinda happened. Maybe that was part of the problem. He's not always great with spontaneous things. Maybe it was something he wanted to plan. I guess it's a conversation we will have to have before I can work out whether I want to risk trying anything else new with him