New partner can't finish. Is it me?

[OisforOrange]

I've been seeing someoneI met online for a few months. We recently started sleeping together and each time he was only able to finish by masturbating afterwards. I have never experienced this problem before. If it's relevant, he has been single for about 10 years, and I'm the first woman he's slept with in that time, and the first person he's ever slept with who has given birth.
I'm feeling a bit embarrassed. I've been married and had relationships but have never had this problem before. We are mid - late thirties.

Does he watch a lot of porn? Studies have shown that too much porn desensitises men. Also, if he hasn't had sex for 10 years perhaps he got used to masturbation.

I doubt its to do with you having had children - im guessing the inference being that having children makes the vagina bigger. No. That's rarely a problem. The vagina stretches during childbirth but reverts back to normal after.

A frank discussion might be helpful. Ask him how he feels during sex etc

Unlikely to be from watching 'too much' porn, unless he's masturbating shortly before you have sex.

It's probably psychological rather than physical - nervous about being with a new partner, or performance anxiety. Or maybe he's mentally got used to 10 years of solo masturbation. Too early to tell if it's something that'll improve as the relationship develops, or if it'll just carry on the same.

Men do lose physical sensitivity in the penis as they age. Certainly noticeable from mid 30's for many men. But it's not usually enough by itself to prevent climax from PiV.

He’s probably just nervous because it’s been awhile. Men can get paranoid about wanting to be the perfect lover imo. I suspect it will pass, and if you’re getting what you need….

Thanks for the responses, lots to think about!
I'm unsure about his porn usage but I would assume he does watch it.
Has anyone experienced this and gone on to have a normal sex life?
As much as I like him, it felt kind of humiliating

He hasn't had sex in 10 years. Red Flag to me lol.

Could be loads of reasons he cannot orgasm during sex . It will probably fix itself in due course

Would you say that to a man who was talking about a woman?

Why do you feel humiliated?
do you regularly orgasm during intercourse ?

Why do you say this?
There are very specific circumstances as to why he was single for so long, it's not something that concerns me at all

I find it to be humiliating as if perhaps I'm not enough for him? I can't explain it really, I've had a lot of sexual partners and have never experienced this before.
I can count on one hand the amount of times I've not orgasmed during intercourse

He is very likely in to you and delighted to have a sexual partner. It's a him problem but not one on which you should give up straight away. Be patient with him and maybe build up to a PIV orgasm rather than it being the initial goal, so to speak. He is very likely used to the sensation of a hand. Very different to a vagina. Perhaps start there? And use it to increase his confidence with you and to get him to relax about the sex.

We have this initially, it was very odd. Think it was a psychological thing in the end, he just said he felt nervous but no real reason why, anyway needless to say that was 15 years ago and we are now married and have a normal sex life with no issues. We just didn’t make a big deal of it and it stopped happening after a few weeks when he felt more relaxed.

I think this is great advice ^^, I don’t see why him not having an orgasm would be a problem if you are both having good sex 🤷🏻

Happened when I met my hub
he didn’t used to finish even if sex was good

think it was down to him trying to to be selfish

have you tried edging him a little then telling him not to be selfish & just finish?

My DH is like this. He needs to finish manually probably 8/10 times. It doesn't bother me at all. He makes sure I'm totally done and had enough then I will give him a hand (well a mouth) while he finishes. No worries, nothing to get humiliated over.

What do you mean selfish?

This can be common. After a dry spell he needs to adjust to the sensation of a warm vagina.
After some PiV wank him and get him harder with some good dirty talk. Then tell him you want him to quickly come inside you. And really encourage him. Then reinsert him and see if he can come. It is a form of mental block and can be overcome. Good luck!

1. Porn has nothing to do with it. Visual stimuli trigger arousal. Physical stimuli are responsible for orgasms.
2. If the sex he's had for 10yrs is only on his own (and that's ok), his body will have got used to certain set of triggers and there is a feedback loop between his cock and his hand you can't hope to replicate. Between the two of you, you just need to re-program his body to respond to yours.
3. He's not as young as he was. That has consequences.
4. Plenty of women and men can only cum from masturbation. Just read this forum long enough and you'll see this is more than normal and you are NOT the problem. But neither is he.

Haha. How predictable. The first response to absolutely any sexual problem in a man is 'too much porn'. 😂

It's nerve wracking when you're with a new partner. You both want to impress and satisfy the other. And it's a meeting of different experience levels. I've been with women who want to take things really slow - a very long build up to penetrative sex and even then very very slowly. And have also been with women who want to 'be taken' (their words) very quickly. As a man you are very aroused and trying to last. When you concentrate really hard you can lose the feeling a little. Has happened to me once or twice. What helped me was an understanding woman who wanted to work through it. So as I wrote above she would get me really hard again and tell me that she REALLY wanted me to come inside her. She would use her hands, her mouth, her slip, her knickers, her bra - all different things that would really work for me. And then when I was close she would quickly get me inside her and urge me to release. Was wonderful.

It's painful isn't it!!