FWB complications

[Complexfwb]

I have a FWB who is in an open relationship, it’s a mutual arrangement they both have and they’re very secure within their relationship which I respect. They play together and also solo. He only sees me on his own and hasn’t seen anyone else. They went to an event where they both interacted with others. He has met another woman who he said he plans on seeing again, he is always honest with me, if I ask. I know things happened with the woman, I asked him and he told me, I feel hurt, I realise I have some feelings for him. We don’t just have sex, we laugh, chat and he always makes time for me.
Is it time to end things with him? I hate the thought of not speaking to him again but I realise carrying on is only going to end up with me getting hurt.

How did you meet? Yes you will o ly get hurt by this set up, I'm sorry.

Personally I need the friend bit of fwb in order to enjoy a sexual relationship with someone. My way of dealing with it is that I’m allowed to care for them, desire them and feel desired and cared-for in return but I can’t demand commitment or exclusivity from them. (It helps that I’m not in a place where I can offer those things.)

You need to be honest with yourself and him. If you can’t do that kind of relationship it might be in your interests to end it. Only you can decide if it’s worth the grief.

You already know what you do for your own self preservation .

DP and I have an open relationship so we've navigated many of these emotions,

Firstly, it's ok to have feelings for him! If you're having an intimate relationship you'd usually want to feel some emotional connection.

Secondly, you've identified that you're hurt at the thought of him with another woman. Can you examine why you feel hurt? Such a feeling usually comes from a place of insecurity or jealousy... the fear that you're going to lose something. Do you think he'll prefer her, that she'll somehow be "better"?

You don't have to necessarily end things with him. This is something that can potentially be worked through. If he's experienced in ENM he'll be happy to talk to you about your concerns. Tell him how you feel!

I'd recommend reading the Ethical Slut or following Chillpolyamory on IG, where there is lots of great advice about how to reframe those emotions in your mind.

I echo Pinot (I am also ENM) - what is it you are worried about? For example, him having less time for you, what you have being less special etc?

This is a very common scenario with FWB. It starts off with the same intention, but invariably one develops feelings for the other and then things go wrong.
Its human nature.
He already has his fallback, so he is unlikely to feel the same.

I would end things before you really get hurt, and maybe look for a more conventional relationship.

It's fascinating how our brains and emotions react. You were accepting of the relationship he was in when you met and accepted that he'd play with others with his partner but the thought of a new solo 'someone' has triggered uncomfortable feelings. It's likely a fear of someone new replacing you or altering the dynamic you are enjoying with him.

If a FWB is still what you want then it might be worth working through these feelings with him. However if it's highlighted that you would in fact prefer an exclusive arrangement then it's time to say goodbye and move on.

Totally understand how you feel as l was in this situation.

Met a guy - polyamorous. In long term relationship with a married polyamorous woman (E) whose husband also poly.

Was completely fine with it. I knew there was no "danger" of him wanting more as he loved his partner. I read the Ethical Slut book and really liked what l read - communication, boundaries, agreements, openness.

I knew that l would feel more secure if l knew if he planned on sleeping with anyone other then E and so we had that agreement.

Until he did.

He told me after the event as he "didn't know if would happen". Apparently they had been flirting and been suggestive to each other for weeks and he went to her house for dinner. ...

It was at that point l realised he didn't follow the Ethical Slut "rules".... and l stopped reading the book.

More also happened and it completely messed with my head.

If he is willing to reassure you and you're able to come to agreements ... like the book recommends... then good.

Unfortunately, we couldn't as l asked him for 3 things - the above, having the next date of meeting in the diary...even if it was 2 weeks away... and for him to give me foreplay or to finish me off after he'd cum.

He didn't abide by the first two... and the last one he refused as he "didn't have the full Spectrum of feelings" for me - only E.... and therefore it felt awkward for him.

@NeedToAskPlease the whole not making sure you had an orgasm because E was his primary partner was reason enough to dump that one hard!

@PansyPolly - l did say to him that l wanted more foreplay as currently...we kiss, l give him a blow job and we have sex in doggy position.

One time after he'd finished and we were lying in bed, l tried to direct his hand round to finish me. He said afterwards that it felt awkward as he didn't have the "full Spectrum of Feelings" for me and he doesn't want to kiss passionately or intimately as he only wanted to do that with E.

He also said he is emotionally shy and doesn't have feelings like other people.

All this has confused me as l thought being polyamorous meant you could love/have feelings for more than one.

Yeah - what you had there was a fuckboi.

I am not in love with all my partners, nor they with me, but orgasms and pleasure are mutual goals for the FWB types as well.

And obviously he had no issue with him
getting an orgasm. Somehow his “intimacy issues” could handle that one…

@PansyPolly - l'm not in love with him either but l did have deep care and affection for him - and I'd hoped that was what he had for me after 8mths.

We would spend time doing other non sexual stuff - walking, cinema, he cooked me dinner.. so l thought l actually meant "something" to him. Something more then a platonic friend. Apparently l am a "friend who matters". No idea what that means!

Honestly, he’s a fuckboi. He wants everything on his own terms and doesn’t give a shit about you, whatever he says.

You may or may not be suited to ENM, but this guy is a tosser and you deserve better.

I don't know if l am suited to ENM as this experience has really put me off.

I really liked what l read in the Ethical Slut book though and feel if l had that sort of relationship l could really embrace it.

Sorry @Complexfwb l have taken over your thread, trying to share my experience.

Has anyone else received a message? 🙄

@NeedToAskPlease yes, from that poster, though mine was different. I reported it.

I think I know that guy 😂😂😂

The one who has messaged.

@Complexfwb - just wondering how you are?