How to help a sexless marriage!

[ThePartyArtist]

DH and I have sex extremely rarely (maybe once every few months). I feel like the problem is me and I don't know what to do!

I am 40 and we have one child age 8.

I don't know whether to pursue medical help, couples therapy, individual therapy for sexual abuse or what!

The issue goes back several years. I didn't feel like sex throughout pregnancy or early motherhood. I was exhausted, touched out etc. It took us a long time to even try after birth and I found it physically uncomfortable and self conscious.

When our child was 2 I got really unwell and developed chronic illness. I was very unwell for several years. My husband mostly understood sex was completely off the table - although it was hard . Occasionally he tried to initiate but I couldn't really do it, I was so ill. I did occasionally masturbate and he was aware but not happy about as I was not having sex with him.

I'm now more well but our sex life has suffered. I never feel like it. I was masturbating occasionally but that's gone. My health condition means very limited energy and has somewhat affected my body confidence as I get used to my disabled life.

Occasionally we've had sex and it's been great, leading us to say we must do it more. But that seems to have gone.

We recently had an honest chat where DH said he's beginning to accept we just have a sexless marriage and doesn't want to keep hoping for sex - kind of like he's given up on it. This has made me really sad as I have had to face up to the problem.

I suggested we concentrate on getting back into cuddling, hand holding, quality time etc. and see if sex follows. But I kind of feel that's just where we are anyway.

I also suggested we just try it. I initiated last night and it didn't go very well. He could tell I wasn't very into it.

There are a few other issues - I don't get naturally wet anymore so it's quite physically uncomfortable even with lube. Also as a child I experienced one incident of sexual abuse - an older child who coerced me into giving him oral. I feel quite triggered by this - it sometimes comes back to me in sex and being asked for oral by DH is triggering.

I've suggested to DH slower build up, bath, massage to get me in the mood but he's unconvinced this will help.

We're getting to the point where he's ready to shut down even trying as it's so awkward and upsetting.

I feel help is needed but don't know which bit to focus on / type of help to pursue.

Does DH know about the sexual assault? I assume he masturbates? Would you both be open to you helping him with that, just so it’s an intimate experience and his needs are acknowledged by both of you. You might find you get a bit jealous and want him to return the favour. Talk to the GP about your condition, the vaginal dryness might mean menopause is getting in the way, too.

This does not need to be complicated. You both have a right to feel the connection, intimacy and pleasure sex can provide in a way that is comfortable for both of you. Finding out what that involves means you need to be willing to try stuff and communicate.

Definitely ask the GP about HRT / vaginal oestrogen for the dryness and also use lots of lube, well in advance of any action. Silicon lube stays 'lubby' for longer than water based lubes which can dry out and feel 'sticky', food quality organic sweet almond oil is another great safe alternative. Feeling 'dry' already puts you in the headspace of wondering if it'll be uncomfortable or feeling like a bit of a failure.

Do something fun and /or exhilarating (non-sexual) together so you're feeling connected, see a comedy, tackle an escape room.... go and do something you used to do when you were first dating. Then, maybe start with a massage, take penetration off the table completely the first few times so there's no pressure and no sense of failure if it doesn't end up as a sexual experience.

If you’re able to access private therapy I would perhaps look for a therapist who is able to offer EMDR for the trauma and have a discussion with them about next steps. EMDR isn’t a magic cure but it can get relatively quick results (which also helps with managing the expense).

you may as well speak to your GP and see if they have any suggestions or can refer you to any local psychosexual services.

Id also maybe try and read some books, not as a cure but just to get more informed and consider other solutions. People often “mind the gap” by Dr Gurney as being readable.

🌷🌻🌺 for you

I think you need to speak to a qualified therapist about your traumatic sexual abuse experience. You may find that once you start healing from that, your sex life naturally improves.

We were like this for a while, it was starting to affect us in other areas we just weren't connected on any level it was getting to a really bad point I did think a separation may be on the cards as we just weren't getting on, I really did not want that to happen. We lost who we were after kids and other life issues come along. What's worked for us, we went on holiday. 10 days away from everything and everyone. Wow what a world of good that done for us. We didn't have sex on holiday due to kids and feeling exhausted and we were still trying to like each other again. It wasn't until we came home and about a week or so after that, we just naturally started having sex again.

From the hoodie we started to talk again, we were forced to have a. Good time we had to for the kids and in the end we just did as we had all the very day stresses taken away for a while.

Once we began talking again and having a bit of laugh, like when we met and pre kids things happened naturally. There was no pressure to have sex of it happened great. That alone helped. And now we can't keep our hands off each other .

So I'd highly recommend a holiday, if that's not possible then a day date and or date night. No pressure just have a drink or two let the stresses escape. Have fun and the rest will follow. Sometimes it's about us releasing any worries and stresses and just going with it. Good luck 🍀