Why is he searching other women? Advice from male’s please

[ConfusedDotCom1982]

I’m a long time user but name changed for this.
I’m putting this in the sex category as I’m assuming this is the board most men will be looking at and don’t want a load of other women just bashing my husband, I want to understand before I absolutely lose my shit with him but don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

He is at home all day everyday at the moment because he has a back injury and we are waiting for an mri, it is doing his head in being at home and starting to get him down, I am doing absolutely everything (he does do what he can) as soon as I open my eyes to the minute I go to sleep we have 3 kids and I’m also working. I’ve noticed he is searching loads of women on fb inc his ex some of these women are friends of friends some are just normal random women and some instagram worthy women 🙄 he is deleting his search history but obviously don’t know to delete the “see all” history this is woman after woman and one In particular he keeps going back to, very different to me, fine whatever but it’s made me feel quite insecure, our sex life is great and almost everyday (sometimes twice) now I’m thinking is he fantasising about these women while we are at it! What is getting me the most is if I was doing that I know full well he would be having a go at me, I feel like he is taking the absolute piss out of me while I’m running about like a lunatic for the kids and bring home the money and he’s there no doubt knocking one out to other women. Can someone please explain to me from a man’s point of view why he/men do this.

Boredom whilst stuck at home? Curiosity? It is a bit disrespectful but I would hope he has no plans to act on any of it. If people are honest with themselves, they'd be inhuman if they didn't ever have thoughts about other people, but if seeking it out in this way is going too far you probably need to make your boundaries clear. It also sounds like you're feeling underappreciated for everything you're doing at the moment which, whilst making you feel even worse, is a separate issue that probably also needs addressing. There's also the question of trust if you are searching his phone?

He doing it due to idle curiosity and boredom & deleting the history as he knows you will be upset

Hi

I'm writing this not to justify it all, just to give you some insight.

I was talking to some friends, all at the time in their 30's, about this about 10 years ago, one said he wasn't on Facebook, a comment was made "how do you check if the girls you fancied at school are hot or not". We all laughed, I think in a way that meant we had all done that.

I do that, but I absolutely am not doing it in a way that means I don't fancy my wife, or want to do anything about it, or would given the opportunity. I know that whatever the meaning of looking at them, it's probably more curiousty than anything else. It definitely isn't as I want to do anything at all, and I'm not knocking one out over them.

I'm not saying your husband isn't doing that, but I would think, from my experience, he would be in the minority.

As I say, not excusing it, but hope it gives you some insight

Hi Op

I think it depends on what your boundaries are. You have mentioned indirectly what his are. This is relevant because your boundary could be a hard no to porn so he has found another source of arousal as you hadn’t mentioned that what he’s doing currently is not ok. A technicality I know.

What if any material if any would you be happy him looking at? If not that is non then that is possibly a little unreasonable.

I am definitely in agreement that wanking over your wife’s best friends holiday snaps is a lot worse than looking at models on instagram. There are plenty of tasteful non porn accounts on instagram with images similar to what he is looking at on Facebook that he could follow without the need to deletes his search history.

General rule if you’re deleting your search history you don’t want your mum to see it.

Just to add that a twice a day shag with a back you can’t work with is truly heroic. Whether that’s makes up for a dubious search history is the question.

I did think boredom and curiosity too as I have looked at profiles for those reasons before but once in a while whilst he is looking at so many each day. And as for the trust issue I do trust him to a certain extent but a couple of things in the past have made me think that he might want his ego stroked elsewhere (not physically but as in text exchange)

Hi, tbh I’m quite relaxed about porn, sometimes we watch it together and I don’t mind that at all as I know it’s the main event that’s turning him on, it’s the seeing his actual preferences like the women that he is clicking on eg massive boobs, lovely slender bodies, as I said we have 3 kids so those days are gone for me 🤪oh and about 10 years younger 🙄that’s the hard part (we are early 40’s, not that I’ve let myself go or anything like that lol. He does compliment me everyday and is quite grabby so I know he still fancies me and I don’t question his love for me either so I guess it’s just a me problem, I think my issue is that I know for a fact that he would have a strop if the boot was on the other foot so it’s double standards and that’s my reasoning for pulling him up on it, but also don’t want to kick a man while he’s down kind of thing as I know he is bored to tears being stuck at home so do I just let him crack on with it ffs 🤦‍♀️ 🤷‍♀️ all I know is my confidence has taken a bit of a battering after seeing some of these women.

This made me laugh, he is as strong as an ox and thinks he can still do all these moves but pays the price afterwards, I tell him he needs to take it easy but his legs are constantly numb (sciatica) and he’s worried that it will start to effect his ability to have sex so is taking/giving it while he can

I think you have every right then to be a bit hacked off at the double standard. There is plenty of content out there to have a look at that’s designed to be arousing and if ethically produced,the woman and men in it have consented. Porn is a fantasy and if you’re ok with that and there are many on here that wouldn’t be then maybe it’s the reality of what he’s looking at that’s got to you.

Looking at friends of friends is close to home and perving on women who haven’t consented to be perved on is a bit grubby if I am honest. My wife knows what I follow on insta and has no issues with it she’s same age and kids like you but if I was caught focusing in on her team members on the works night out photos she’d go Quite rightly ballistic because that’s real life.

I think you need to tell him calmly he’s made you feel like shit and why and ask him not to do it as you don’t like it and that should be enough for him to stop doing it. If what I was doing was making my wife feel shit I’d stop end of. Within that conversation hopefully he can apologise and reassure you that he still finds you attractive (sounds like he does) and why. I know on here there are many tales of bad guys I can’t quite believe it myself sometimes but if you’re fella is like me my wife’s body has changed with age and kids but I love her and all the parts of her. I know she doesn’t fully believe me but it’s true.

best of luck Op 👍

Yuk. He doesn't deserve you.

This might be a little left field but.....

Men are hard wired to find the woman who will produce the best & strongest offspring. So he's with you based on modern social rules but deep down he's still looking- not that he'll do anything about leaving you.

Also the back thing makes you realise you're not indestructible & awakens ideas of mortality so you start thinking about what might have been .

It sounds like you already know exactly what he's doing. He's window shopping, and yes, probably fantasising about it whilst having sex with you.
That's normal behaviour for many people, men and women alike.

But, the risk becomes if he makes contact with any, and starts flirting with them. Things can rapidly get out of hand and lead to infidelity, even if it wasn't planned.

Talk to him. Tell him you know and aren't comfortable because you feel he's possibly fantasising etc..

Pull him up on it. Discuss your feelings. If you don't, and he crossed a line, will you later blame yourself for not doing anything

Finding myself in a similar situation now - did you speak with your husband and how did it go?

You both have trust issues.
He's hiding stuff which he thinks needs hiding.
You're looking for betrayal by snooping through his search history.
IMHO you both need to figure out why your together, and then you need to talk to each other. You may not end up together.
(Sorry if that's blunt. It's just meant to be objective. )

You need to stop this until he's had the MRI - I had a "caudally sequestered left paracentral" (look it up) and the consultant I saw advised 'restraint' until it healed naturally or he said the the situation could become a lot worse !

In my honest opinion, i bet he's feeling very low, you're doing everything, while he's laying around waiting for the MRI scan, unable to do anything, it's a possibility that curiosity has got the better of him and wondering if he is still desirable?

I was off work for 3 months, had an operation on a dislocated shoulder injury, admittedly 20 odd years ago now, but the pain i was in, sex was the last thing I wanted!

I’ve often searched ex’s on fb, not because I still like them or want to have a wank but more out of curiosity of what they are up to, I suppose it’s more of moments of boredom than anything else. I’ve noticed on Facebook now that people’s profiles that you’ve viewed but not directly search for even come up in your history so it could be something fairly innocent and out of boredom especially if he can’t do much at the moment.
My wife would go mental aswell and it would probably be something I would struggle to explain to her why I’m viewing other women’s profiles but it doesn’t mean you fancy then or doing anything that you should.
My advice would be just try to ignore it for now