We have sex 10-12 times a year. For me it's plenty and it's a tick box exercise. For him it's too little and I know he's right.
It's not just that it's the same every single time, all 12 times will be him on top, missionary, with a few variations but I don't enjoy doggy, I don't enjoy being on top and I can barley get the energy to do what we do.
Recently I've noticed it's not just that I don't enjoy it, I actually don't like it. I stiffen up and hope it's going to go better but it doesn't. I have been trying to work out where it all went wrong. When we first met we were like any couple, having sex and foreplay all the time. But at some stage it must have become boring as after a couple years we only had sex one a week on the weekend.
That reduced to twice a month and then even before DS came along we were down to once a month and it's stayed like that but sometimes we miss a month and others squeeze in twice, it's between 10-12 times a year.
He's made comments that it's too little and I don't move in bed. It's true. The first time we had sex I was taken a back by how vocal he was, every other man I'd been with was practically silent until climax. I've now made comments that his dramatic noises put me off, from the moment we kiss he kicks into action with the groaning and I'm not turned on to start and that turns me off. So he tried to stop them but I still don't enjoy it and avoid eye contact vs he stares down at my intensely and I find to off putting.
It sounds like I don't like him but I do, I love him, a lot. I couldn't do life without him. He's attractive, kind, does 50% of help around house and with DS, maybe more as he does all the cooking. He's a gem and I feel like he deserves more!!! I want to give him more but we have no sexual chemistry. I want to try to be better but I don't know how to stop feeling so put off.
For years I felt he was emotionally unavailable and as I had a traumatic childhood which still plagues me I felt if I ever spoke about any kind of challenge he clammed up. Once he just ignored me and carried on watching tv and changing channel as I said how anxious I felt on the run up to Christmas given my lack of family, I lost it, I felt like our lack of sexual chemistry had to be down to this lack of emotion.
He tried a bit but then the actual sex was still not good. I think we are both bad in bed to be honest. We both have sex drives as he's admitted to me he masterbates and watches porn which I think is normal and I grew up watching sex as I had no boundaries in my house, I had a tv and video player in my room and a lock on my door and would watch sex on tv all the time and be fascinated with it and masterbate. Watching porn and doing that was part of my life before I met him.
I did wonder if that was a reason why I don't enjoy penetrative sex and I stopped both watching it and DIY but it didn't help. I even look forward to having sex only because I know I can DIY at any point over the weeks following. On the run up to us ticking the next sex box I try to refrain.
I wonder if I'm depressed. I have severe ADHD which is undiagnosed but I def have it I've done tests online and friends have told me. Because of my fragile mental health, including low self esteem and bad anxiety I really rely on sleep. Without it I fall to pieces. So I find it hard to wake up every single morning as I find it hard to fall asleep and I dread not having enough, so our agreement is he gets up with DS every day and drops him at nursery and I do pick up and bedtime everyday. Of course this hurts my low self esteem. People make comments about it at nursery that I don't do drop off and I pretend it's my job.
My job gives me horrendous anxiety. I'm not book smart but I am street smart, I was always ashamed of the jobs I had and felt I wasn't going to amount to anything but I worked really hard as a career eas something I desperately wanted. I've worked my way up and I'm a director at a successful company responsible for 30 people in my org and I meet with senior stakeholders, but my job creates so much anxiety and fear. I've decided I will leave after our next child, only have 5 months before I go on maternity then plan to stay 1 year after and leave. I think it's the root of a lot of my unhappiness but to walk away from the shares I would come into if I stay has always stopped me. It's a viscous cycle because as I gear up to walk away, they give me more but I know it's time.
To conclude I don't know if DH is just cringe and bad in bed, and so am I as well as I'm lazy in bed and we are in a rut or if this is it for our sex life. I'd be happy just not to have it. But of course I'm so self conscious I would worry it's not 'normal' because it's not. Or if I'm depressed and it's me.