I moved to a new city in a new country last August. Pretty soon after arriving here, I met a man and we hit it off. We met up quite a few times as friends, and on one occasion in November we kissed. There was some chemistry but we never acted on it. Then I went back to England for the entire of December and he was working abroad for Q1 (January to March). We stayed in contact but online only. The messages were occasionally a bit flirty but mostly chatty. We sometimes went weeks without contacting each other, but usually we messaged reasonably often.
He came back 2 weeks ago and we met up for a drink a couple of times. Last night he invited himself to my house for a nightcap. He was very forward and it took me by surprise. He grabbed me and started kissing me and pushed me down onto my sofa. I didn't object, I had actually been hoping we might get together at last, so I invited him to my room.
He seemed to be in a real hurry, pushing my clothing aside rather than actually taking it off. I told him I wanted to slow things down and started to massage his back. After a minute or so, he wanted to swap positions and I thought he was going to massage me, but instead he tried to initiate anal sex. I was quite upset and said I did not want that. He said something like "what do you want?" and I suggested that he use a vibrator on me. At this stage he had sucked and bitten my breasts (and I had told him to be more gentle) and pulled down his trousers but he still had them on around his ankles. He had not touched my vagina at all. I don't remember exactly what he said in response to me suggesting the vibrator, but it was something like "that's only for you and not for me". I wish I had told him to leave then, but I didn't. He just took the vibrator out of my hand and put it back in the bedside table.
He asked me if I wanted to have sex, and I said I wanted to take things slowly, but I asked him if he had a condom. He put the condom on straight away and rolled me over. I sort of froze. I know he pulled my hair at one point but I can't remember if it was then or earlier. He entered me and was quite rough. I was crying but quietly. He asked me if it was ok for me. I was crying. I'm not sure if he heard. He carried on for a few more moments asked me if it was ok for me again, then stopped. He did not orgasm. I presume he stopped because he realised I was crying. He got dressed and left pretty quickly.
I feel like he raped me. I did not actually tell him to stop though, and I live overseas in a country with an even lower conviction rate than England, so I will not go to the police. I spent a lot of the night trying to work out what happened. I couldn't understand if he had intended to or not. It might have just been terrible sex and terrible communication. I didn't actually say anything like "stop" and when he asked if I wanted to have sex, I said I wanted to take things slowly, but I also asked if he had a condom, so I presume he understood that to mean yes.
This morning I woke up to a lot of messages from him, many of which had been deleted. The first message which had not been deleted says "Normally a man should treat a woman much better than on this occasion. I'm the one who didn't act like that, for my reasons. I didn't have the intention of being violent with you either, I just didn't want to do things that I simply don't want to do. So I don't know if you understand me, what I am saying is not bad vibes, it's reality..." There are more garbled messaged, and he says stuff about how sex is different if you're in a relationship, he is sorry if he hurt me and that he found it annoying / not normal when I wrote to him on whatsapp several times in a row when we were messaging over the last few months. We were in different timezones so sometimes I wrote several messages in a row during my day and his night, but he did the same thing to me. Then he ends by saying he does not want me to contact him again. I assume this means he did mean to hurt me. This wasn't a misunderstanding or a miscommunication. I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. I don't know how to feel or what to do. I've been faking being fine at work all day. He worked from home today so I did not see him, but I probably will next week. I just don't know what to do. I am a long way from home and I do not have any family or many friends here.