Wife never initiates sex and when she does its after masturbation

[Birminghamdad44]

My wife and I have been married for almost a decade, but she rarely initiates intimacy or seems interested in sex. On weekends, especially long weekends like this one, she often masturbates in the mornings while I'm busy taking care of our kids downstairs. Unfortunately, we don't get to enjoy any sexy morning activities together.

She tends to ask for sex at night if she masturbates in the morning. However, I can't help but feel insecure because it seems like she only asks after masturbating. I worry that I might not be able to satisfy her and that she needs to masturbate to feel desire for me. Even when we have the opportunity to be intimate during the day while the kids are asleep, she relies on porn to get in the mood. I always make sure to prioritize foreplay to ensure she is fully aroused but she still watches or reads porn first.

I attempted to discuss it with her, but it turned into an argument and I was banished to the couch. Now I'm finding it hard to ask for sex because it's constantly on my mind.

I'm feeling unsure about how I look and my abilities in the bedroom and worry this is the issue. I'm curious if others feel the same way or if I'm just overthinking things. Is this something we should seek help for?

Has she told you she masturbatrf? Could that not be part of your sexy foreplay? She’s obviously horny but can’t get herself off like you can so ultimately she coming to you to fulfill her needs. Sounds to me like you could turn all of this into something fun rather then something to be worried about.

Yeah she tells me when she masturbates. The problem is even when I use toys on her she struggles to orgasm with me, but is fine on her own

Because she knows her own body very well. Ask her direct questions and communicate in the bedroom. The majority of women will orgasm far quicker alone then they will with a man. I think your insecurity is playing a big part here. Learn more about her body, ask her what she wants, make it sexy. The insecurity thing would be a bit of a turn off for me if I’m honest.

I used to be able to give her at least 2 orgasms, I'm worried she's finding the insecurity a turn off too.

Any chance she could have been ‘embellishing’ the truth then. Multiple orgasms are not as easy or as common to achieve as men would like to believe. It’s like you finishing off and immediately cumming again, it’s not actually all that enjoyable or necessary.

Anyhow that was then and this is now. I’ve given you what I would recommend, other users may suggest different. Try to have a little more fun with it all. This is about mutual benefits, not an exercise for you to feel good about yourself and your abilities.

Foreplay starts in the head for a lot of women. Masturbating in the morning could be her warm up act for sex with you later, getting herself in the right frame of mind. I'd see it as a positive and increase intimacy throughout the day in anticipation. That she is telling you what she's doing is a strong signal that she wants you to be thinking of her in a sexy way.

"She rarely initiates intimacy or seems interested in sex."
"On weekends, especially long weekends like this one, she often masturbates in the mornings... She tends to ask for sex at night if she masturbates in the morning."

So she's not interested in sex, but is masturbating most weekends and then initiating sex that night? Which you for some reason are then turning down.

Reverse?

What has her masturbating in the morning got to do with her initiating sex at night? Women are not like men, twice in 12 hours is not an issue.
You turning her down is more likely to be a problem.
And my guess is that she's telling you about masturbating inn the morning as an opener, as an indication she might be up for it later? Because otherwise why would she be mentioning it?

Well first of all, a lot of women fake orgasms because they have been conditioned by society to do so - meaning: make sure they fake an orgasm when they are unable to achieve one, because otherwise you might man the man feel insecure, and his ego is more important than your pleasure.

So you have absolutely no idea of knowing whether those multiple orgasms were ever real. Women don't just lose that ability as they age, so if she can't now, she probably never could.

Secondly, I wonder if you are using your own base of interpretation on her. A lot of your fears and insecurities are based on how you interpret her behaviour, which doesn't make it reality. You may be right, but you also may be way off.

She initiates sex after masturbating in the morning. Maybe she has responsive desire, meaning she needs a long time to let her desire 'stew' and build up before she actually wants to engage in sexual activity? For women, desire often isn't an on or off switch, it's something that has to build up over a long time. Which might also explain why she needs porn to get in the mood, because again, she doesn't have that on or off switch. Even when you're doing foreplay, she probably hasn't had enough time to reach that level of arousal she needs. So she takes the express road, porn, to get her there.

She rarely initiates. Okay, but that's true for a lot of women. What has she learned about the role of women in relationships, or in intimate situations? Maybe she's afraid to initiate? Even in our society, women still get judged for having a libido (as well as for not having a libido, you can't really win this one). Maybe there's something holding her back?

I get that you're feeling insecure, and that must be hard for you. But I'm betting it's not much easier for her. And I find you here, complaining about what she does and doesn't do, but I don't see you trying to really connect to how her brain and her body works and what you can be doing to make sex feel more natural for her.

I think you need to start having very open conversations about sex without focussing on what you are lacking from her at the moment, but with openness and curiosity and a genuine interest in who she.

Yet another thread that if posted by a woman about man would have utterly different answers.

The dynamic here sounds awful, with a real lack of intimacy, and his DW sounds completely uncaring and quite selfish. Masturbating fine. Regularly doing so while her H is minding their children, grim.

Why didn't you post this in the Sex topic?
Seeing this in Active has put me off my crisps.

Mumsnet isn't really a good forum for men. I note a comment above about "insecurity being a turnoff": it's like society tells men to show their feelings - but not inconvenient ones such as this. I've searched in vain for a good forum for men related to sex within a marriage or a long-term relationship, and haven't found one. There was a very good forum a few years ago, run by an American guy: it had some clear and strict principles - no whingeing (or "whining" as the Americans call it), no disrespect of women, no encouragement to be unfaithful, work on yourself and let everything else follow, etc; it was a great forum and heavily moderated, but the owner suffered a heart attack so shut it down as he felt he couldn't continue to give it the time it needed.

It can be very difficult for men to get the advice and support they need in relation to sex and other relationship issues.

Interesting that not one woman posting has mentioned the porn use. Not one
when a woman posts about their dh porn use and how it makes them feel…. well we all know the responses.

Op you need to talk with her about what makes her tick and if porn bothers you, you absolutely have the right to ask her to stop.

Women don't just lose that ability as they age, so if she can't now, she probably never could.

Not necessarily, peri menopause has done some really weird things to my orgasms. I think it's not uncommon, so depends on her age.

I think if you were part of her masturbating (or present during) then you wouldn't feel 'left out' and you would feel better about this, your OH might be totally ok with this?

I haven't experienced what you're going through bur from a woman's perspective, or at lest this woman's perspective, feelings and emotions are a huge part of sex. Part of that is being physically ready as well as emotionally ready - think of it as having had enough rest, which might be why your wife enjoys masturbating in the morning. Do you feel as fresh for tht in the morning? As always, it's all about finding what works for both of you and both should explore alternatives that are fun and available preferably without any fuss.

Your wife does seem selfish, especially in the reluctance to have a proper conversation and then making you sleep on the couch. Both of which are immature behaviours.
Is it possible that she does not fancy sex anymore and sees it as a chore? Nothing can be accomplished without a honest conversation, away from the bedroom. Rather than blaming, talk about how her actions make you feel. Could you both reignate the passion with massages, watching porn together, date nights etc.?