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Original poster

Is he selfish

16 replies

NeedToAskPlease · 17/03/2024 19:57

I have been in a casual relationship with a guy for 8 months. In that time l have never had an orgasm. Not even close.

He has had one every time we've had sex. I asked for more foreplay for me as currently sex consists of us kissing, me giving him a BJ and then having sex doggy position.

One time l tried to direct his hand to play with me. He has now told me that he would feel uncomfortable kissing and caressing me... and also didn't like me directing his hand.

Basically he is a selfish lover isn't he... or am l missing something?

OP posts:
Satinthemiddle · 17/03/2024 20:02

Sounds selfish to me
I like new partners showing me what they like and
I think it's time to change him for a different one

Runningoutofusernamestochange · 17/03/2024 20:04

Selfish! Get rid!

Original poster
NeedToAskPlease · 17/03/2024 20:11

I think part of the issue is that he watches alot of porn too which isn't realistic when it comes to women getting satisfied.

He said he doesn't have romantic feelings for me (only his longterm partner - he's polyamorous) so it doesn't feel natural to him.

OP posts:
Satinthemiddle · 17/03/2024 20:15

FFS fire him off now
Basically he is having his cake and eating it
No romantic feelings towards you and your letting him get away with using you
No wonder he is putting in no effort

No offense but more fool you for allowing him to treat you this way

Original poster
NeedToAskPlease · 17/03/2024 20:24

@Satinthemiddle you're completely right. I have actually finished it, but doubts are creeping in as I'm missing him.

OP posts:
Satinthemiddle · 17/03/2024 20:36

Have you spoken to his poly partner?

Are you sure he's actually is poly or is he just spinning you the line to get away with cheating

The no romantic feelings is a major red flag
That's just my opinion

Runningoutofusernamestochange · 17/03/2024 20:37

Missing him? For heavens sake, why?! No judgement for the polyamory or the casual sex but the lack of effort and porn dictating his expectations? Not worth it!

Original poster
NeedToAskPlease · 17/03/2024 20:45

Satinthemiddle · 17/03/2024 20:36

Have you spoken to his poly partner?

Are you sure he's actually is poly or is he just spinning you the line to get away with cheating

The no romantic feelings is a major red flag
That's just my opinion

No l haven't met/spoke to her

He lives alone. She lives with her DH.

I believe him when he says he is poly from conversations we have had.

However now l have taken a step back, from everything l have read about being poly..... he really doesn't conduct himself like it, in regards to things like being able to love and have feelings for more then one person.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedToAskPlease · 17/03/2024 20:47

Runningoutofusernamestochange · 17/03/2024 20:37

Missing him? For heavens sake, why?! No judgement for the polyamory or the casual sex but the lack of effort and porn dictating his expectations? Not worth it!

Edited

I do agree.

It was just nice being cuddled and feeling wanted by someone again... even though l now realise that he actually didn't want me.

OP posts:
Fiery30 · 17/03/2024 23:21

I can understand the missing him part but if you think about it you weren't experiencing the full level of sexual satisfaction that you needed and wanted. There are so many wonderful, intimate things a loving and non-selfish partner would do. Even if they were a casual partner. They would do it because pleasuring you would give them pleasure too. So you deserve that kind of give and take.

StarlightLady · 18/03/2024 05:54

All casual relationships should be based on equality, passion and trust while meeting needs. This is doing none of those.

Original poster
NeedToAskPlease · 18/03/2024 06:58

Thankyou everyone. I just needed it confirming that I'm not being unfair to expect a little bit of what l enjoy also.

He said he is emotionally shy so doesn't have feelings in the same way as others.... but he does know he loves his longterm partner

But doing more intimate things with me like kissing and caressing before sex (which l class as my foreplay.. as l did point out that giving him a BJ is his foreplay but it doesn't do much for me!!)... or lying in bed kissing afterwards and him playing with me (well... after he has cum) makes him uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Hallmark1234 · 18/03/2024 07:09

Honestly? Put simply, he's just being lazy. He knows he can get away with not putting any effort in, past what he needs to do to finish off after your BJ.

Everything else is just an excuse. He doesn't care about what you want, so get rid and stay rid, as it won't get better. Raise your bar. You will look back in years to come and be glad you did.

StarlightLady · 18/03/2024 08:00

OP, l’m so pleased to see your reaction. Good quality sex is about sharing bodies on equal terms. I have been criticised on MN in the past for saying l would not sleep with someone who would not go down on me. I would, however, suggest that next time, with someone else you have this little conversation.

This is not a friend with benefits as there are no benefits for you. To put it bluntly, he is using you as a wanking machine.

Women deserve better!

Original poster
NeedToAskPlease · 18/03/2024 10:47

StarlightLady · 18/03/2024 08:00

OP, l’m so pleased to see your reaction. Good quality sex is about sharing bodies on equal terms. I have been criticised on MN in the past for saying l would not sleep with someone who would not go down on me. I would, however, suggest that next time, with someone else you have this little conversation.

This is not a friend with benefits as there are no benefits for you. To put it bluntly, he is using you as a wanking machine.

Women deserve better!

I agree with what you're saying. I really thought he had care and affection for me with how he'd act towards me when we weren't in bed.... how stupid of me 😞.

OP posts:
Runningoutofusernamestochange · 18/03/2024 12:58

NeedToAskPlease · 18/03/2024 10:47

I agree with what you're saying. I really thought he had care and affection for me with how he'd act towards me when we weren't in bed.... how stupid of me 😞.

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We’ve all kissed a few toads! Dust yourself off and keep looking for what works for you x

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