Sex life

[Jimc1984]

Been with same woman for 20 years. The sex is non existent. Its getting worse all the time it's now effecting me.
Thing is. I love her to bits but I genuinely don't think I find her attractive anymore.

What do you do? Don't say talk to her about it because it won't end well

Even if it doesn't end well it's a conversation you both need to have.

If you've both just let it slide and need to make an effort then see if she will. If not and it's affecting you then you need to split or agree to an open relationship.

No one should be forced into an intimacy free relationship. However if you just don't fancy each other you might have to agree to go your separate ways.

Just don't cheat, that is what wouldn't end well.

I think it all comes down to whether the love you've got for your wife is more important than what you're lacking. You might find the grass isn't greener on the other side or it might be within your best interests to move on. That's something you have to work out for yourself. I also think you do need to have a conversation with her. Perhaps not be completely honest but in a gentle way. Instead of saying you don't fancy her anymore, you could talk about reconnecting sexually as you aren't happy anymore and see if she feels the same way.

Personally I’ve reached “prepared to cheat,” in a can’t/won’t be intimate and can’t/won’t discuss it scenario. After more than 2 decades finding the confidence to do so is another matter entirely.

Not sure how you reconcile love her to bits with not finding her attractive though. Don’t love and attraction go together?

But how can someone refuse to discuss it?

Surely you pick a time when alone without distractions, say 'Im really unhappy with the state of our non existent sex life as I'm sure you are so the options are 1. Try to reconnect by <suggest whatever might work> 2. Split, 3. Have an open marriage'.

Life is too short.

Genuinely don’t know what advice you’re looking for here. Do you love her enough to stay or is that the point you’re at now?

If you don’t find her attractive then that’s not a great start.If she isn’t going to talk about it then there’s not a lot of options. You won’t get much sympathy if you’re thinking of cheating especially on MN.

if you stay there are improving technologies that would scratch you itch but for me it’s not the same. A solution appears to be to buy a big camera and get into wildlife photography or cycle or run the urge away 😳

My opinion is that life is too short for a life without sex when you want it and you shouldn’t feel guilty for that and if it’s effecting your MH then it is obviously important enough to you.

All in all it’s a pretty shit situation to be in and one that’s difficult to talk to someone about in real life. Look after yourself access some talking services if you can. We chaps can be poor at that.

> Not sure how you reconcile love her to bits with not finding her attractive though.

Bingo.

You've not told us what your actual problem is.

You don't fancy her and you aren't having sex. Do you wish you fancied her but you can't bring yourself to? Is she complaining about the lack of sex? Do you want sex with somebody else?

Bizarre post all in all.

You have to talk to her.

By having medical issues that include significant brain damage.

Well if someone has significant brain damage that does indeed shed a different light on things. They of course are unable to discuss it, sorry for what you and your dp have gone through.

My point was more for those physically and mentally able. Discussions should always take place hard though they will be, to allow both parties the chance to either make an effort, have an open relationship or split. Doing nothing will just invariably lead to cheating once a desperate third party appears on the scene.

Your situation isn't really relevant to this thread then. I'm sorry for whatever happened though.

Surely you pick a time when alone without distractions, say 'Im really unhappy with the state of our non existent sex life as I'm sure you are so the options are 1. Try to reconnect by <suggest whatever might work> 2. Split, 3. Have an open marriage'.

Sure but then you end up with (and this is common both ways around, men and women) one partner panicking and having sex for a while to maintain the relationship then it fizzles out again. It's like putting petrol on a fire that's going out. You can't usually reignite relationships like that long term without going to a therapist and actually doing the underlying hard work.

Do you still have intimacy? Holding hands, cuddling on the sofa, kissing her as she walks past, acts of kindness like running her a bath..? If not, that's where you start to rebuild. You both have to want to touch each other before you can even think about re-kindling sex.

Check out some Esther Perel videos. She's a genius at explaining lack of intimacy and sex in long term relationships.

Some people are happy to have LTR without intimacy.
Some people aren't.
One of each in the same relationship means someone isn't going to be happy.

Counselling only works if both parties are willing to change.