Is this an indicator of someone who's abusive?

[Dogknowsbest]

I've been dating my new man for nearly 3 months, known him for about a year. We had sex for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I knew he was a bit kinky in bed (as am I) and we had discussed it a bit although not really in any depth. During our love making he slapped me quite hard across the face (I wasn't expecting it). He dressed it up as testing my boundaries, so I kind of wrote it off as something that was misjudged.

Last week, he suggested that he wanted to.watch me have sex with another man. I thought that's fine. I've had those fantasies too and it really excites me. I said to him, I couldn't do it with a complete stranger. I'd need to get to know them and be sure that they were good on practising safe sex. His response was "STDs come with the territory. I don't think you should worry about that".

This is a complete lack of regard for my safety isn't it? I was starting to trust him but now am feeling a bit unsettled by him.

I can't discuss this with anyone IRL because it's just too personal.

He should never have slapped you across the face completely out of the blue like that. Its not my thing at all, but if its what you want, you both should have discussed it first.

The STD thing.........fucking run! I've not been involved in swinging, sharing partners etc, but we have looked at possibly visiting a party before. Everything suggests that this sort of act is safe and consensual, and people do all they can to avoid catching anything.

Frankly, your new man sounds like an abusive cunt and he is testing you out to see if he will get away with it! Fuck him off and don't look back!

Thank you and good bye.

Slapping without discussing? Across the face??? Abusive.

Did he maybe mean to say “STD checks” were standard? As people who are more serious about swinging etc do tend to just have regular STD screening etc…

Otherwise… run!!!

🚩 Dump him. He’s not kinky, he’s just a manipulative and dangerous man.

Long ago, when l was about 14 or 15 (I’m in my 40s now) my now deceased mother said “if something isn’t making you feel nice, stop doing it”. Sound advice for me then, today, please heed her words.

Violence (that is what unexpected slapping across the face is) is never acceptable. If you want to have sex with someone else, fine, it can be fun, but do you want to be a make entertainment centre? And do you really want to be with someone so blasé about your own sexual health?

You’ve had a comparatively long time to discover these things, if you had to discover them it would have been better earlier. But please don’t wait a long time from here.

I'm doing it tonight. I know it isn't right but the part of me that still likes him wanted to believe it's okay.

So between 21:46 last night and 07:11 this morning you've gone from asking advice from strangers who pretty much tell you to run for your life, to obliging your relatively new BF in what appears to be something you had doubts about...? And you acknowledge that he has "a complete lack of regard for my safety". This is bonkers!

OP, l’m afraid l am lost. You are doing what exactly tonight?

Well, if you're going to do it anyway, I guess the best advice any of us could give is to check some kink/swinging/sharing/whatever forums online (or even Reddit) for whatever last minute advice you can find to keep yourself safe. The 'STDs just go with the territory' comment is alarming and ridiculous (and I very much doubt you'll find (m)any others out there who agree, if you look around). However, there might be someone out there who can help minimise the risk of this whole thing going pear-shaped for you

To answer your original question though - yes, being slapped and asked to shag another man right at the start of the sexual relationship is a whole chinese military parade of red flags. HTH

I think it’s bullshit, not bonkers! 🙄

This isn't Dom/sub dynamics. It's abuse dressed up as BDSM. He's probably watched 50 Shades and thinks he know his shit.

Have you discussed limits, safe words, aftercare? No, I thought not.

You'd be crazy to see this guy again, much less engage in a MFM with him because you "like him"! Where's your self-esteem?

Trust me, there are much nicer Doms out there who'll look after you properly and prioritise your safety. Don't bother with this one.

Finishing the relationship of course.

I'm not obliging him if that's what you were all thinking.

Thank god for that! 😅

Well done! I’m glad you’ve decided to get out of there!
Someone once upon a time used to quite like seeing me with other people, but his role in keeping me safe while it happened, that condoms were always used and boundaries respected, that he was always there and would tease me about it afterwards, made it fun and cozy and strengthened our bond and made me feel cherished.
if it’s not fun for both of you run, don’t look back, and don’t let anyone tell you anything is “normal for kinky!” What’s okay is what everyone involved says is okay and nothing more or less!

The above to me sounds sensible and a totally different ball game to what the OP has been subjected to.