For the men: when you never want sex

[WhyWhyY]

What does it mean to you?

Partner and I have a poor relationship, but it hasn’t always been this way, but our sex life has dwindled now to nothing for two years.

im adventurous in bed. I’m not horrendously overweight or bad looking but he’s never really wanted sex very much

i wanted to know from men if this has happened to you and what it meant for you. I know it doesn’t mean anything to me but partner won’t even engage in a conversation about it so I’m hoping to just understand

im adventurous in bed. I’m not horrendously overweight or bad looking

there are 2 ways to think about this,

If your relationship is in the toilet, he might want sex, but just not with you, no matter how attractive you are

The other thing could be that he is just not really interested in sex full stop, a bit like someone not being interested in football, you could offer then tickets to the FA Cup final and they would still not be interested

It could even be both. I don’t even get the impression he pleasures himself either.

thanks for your reply

I went off sex with my ex and, looking back, it was because our relationship had gone to shit. She still wanted it but I didn't feel intimate in any way with her

My libido returned with my next wife

Attraction isn't always physical. I had an ex that was really gorgeous but they were selfish, jealous and immature, slowly and over time it completely put me off and it ended.

Mismatched libido with someone you love and respect is difficult. Personally, having a miscarriage led to me being terrified of touching my wife during pregnancy and the longer not having sex continued, the higher her opinion of me went and the more frustrated I became.
I believe that the Madonna/whore perspective is very prevalent among men - maybe more among those over fifty - whereby an adventurous playmate is very attractive in a girlfriend and early in a relationship, more intimidating when you're established as a couple.
I think it's true to say that many men fantasise about women who like a lot of sex, but find that they've bitten off more than they can chew when they are involved with one.
Communication is much better than speculation IMHO.

My ex was a tall good looking woman who liked sex, but was also quite selfish and took absolutely no responsibility for anything in life - both very unattractive traits that ended the relationship

In my experience this means the man is most likely getting it elsewhere.

Particularly as his sex drive was high before. It's very unusual for it to simply disappear.

I’m not a man, but I could have written your posts word for word (and probably did) 2 or 3 years ago. The most I could ever get out of my XDH was that he just wasn’t bothered about ‘that’ any more. We went out for dinner one evening, had a lovely time, getting on well, came home and were lying on our bed fully clothed chatting happily and I felt a bit brave and asked him whether he thought he’d ever want to have sex with me again (really expecting a reassuring if empty “oh yes one day”), and he just said, “I don’t know”.

We’re divorced now and I’m having a lot of sex with a lovely man who more importantly makes me feel cherished and wanted, and we have very open communication about everything. And no one was surprised about the divorce, even though no one else knew about the sex issue.

Thrilled for you @BrianWankum . How hard was it to divorce?

Took about 3 years to realise things weren’t going to change and I needed to be out for my own sanity. But then once we’d had the conversation it was pretty straightforward. All over and done within a year. No regrets.

In and amongst all the reasons why sex and libido disappear I thought of another the other week. I'm going to call it the Roller-Coaster effect. When you first see a new roller coast you want to have a go... if it's a good one then you'll have a great ride (pun intended)... and you go again and again... and eventually - weeks, months, or years later, you'll know it so well - every twist and turn, every sensation etc that it just doesn't do it for you anymore. Same roller coaster, same looks, same ride... you still love it... but it just doesn't float your boat anymore !! People change, relationships change, and it doesn't mean you have to thrown them away.

Interestingly enough you don't get the same problem with motorbikes? I'm going to go for a pint now to try fathom that one out :)

Interesting theory, but it doesn't really explain the mismatch that blights so many long term relationships.

It's almost as if you didn't read my reply !!

"In and amongst all the reasons why sex and libido disappear ..."

Same here and it's really hurtful. I just feel rejected. I must admit I have given up now. Someone mentioned the Madonna/whore perspective and I do wonder if that is what is going on.....he seems to have little to no sex drive whatsoever