Hysterical Bonding

[BrickHeaven]

Husband here after some advice.
Marriage for one reason or another was virtually sexless.
Wife has cheated, 1 physical Affair and 5 Online Affairs.
After finding out about the Physical Affair, my desire to have sex with her has grown massively and we have had a lot of amazing sex.
I still feel detached from her but can't seem to give her up?
Is this a normal feeling and am i just to weak?

Was the sexless marriage primarily down to you? If so then yes it could be and the whole situation could relapse back into what it was quite quickly. You need to have a deep discussion with your wife about whether the marriage has long term potential.

From what I understand for some men the thought or actuality of their partner having sex with another man is actually very arousing even when there is also confusion and emotional hurt going on too. Maybe this is going on here?

But why was she unfaithful in the first place? Did you contribute to that in some way? As @DonnaBanana asked why was the marriage sexless previously and why has that suddenly changed? And - most importantly - do you know how she feels about it all?

A real commitment from both of you wanting to work at things is key (I would say) for a truly happy relationship. Can that be rebuilt?

Thanks for the thoughts.
We are 14 years married, teenage child, the sexless part has come from her health issues and me not wanting to push things or make each other feel inadequate.
As indicated in the original post, the desire to have her increased, even though the desire has always been there, and reading up on the term Hysterical Bonding' certainly indicates what you have said.
Hindsight dictates we should've talked more about our feelings before the affairs happened.
We have spoke in detail about the affairs and depression was stated as the cause of the affairs. Maybe i contributed to the feeling of depression but i thought we should be strong enough to talk through our feelings together?
I still love her but the trust between us has been shattered.

Have you thought about couples counselling, such as Relate? You may also get a wider variety of helpful responses on the MN Relationships board as this one does focus more specifically of sex issues and it sounds like your concerns are much broader than that. Just a thought. All the best.

Your reply changes things for me somewhat. If sex dried up because of "health issues" and then she went and had an affair anyway, it all rings a bit hollow. She doesn't seem like a great person. That doesn't mean you should end the relationship, but perhaps do therapy alone to really figure out what it is you want. Given you have tolerated a sexless marriage so far, maybe you get more from the relationship that you are not prepared to give up yet beyond the sex.

Hysterical bonding is usually short lived. About 3 to 6 weeks being typical.

If you are in a committed relationship, with the intention or working through your problems and staying together, then really what harm is there in this?

The only question you really need to address is, what does she want?

The fact that she has had 5 emotional affairs, suggests that she is not getting that need met within your relationship. You both need to be extremely honest about what both your needs are and if the other can support that need.

Then there is the elephant in the room, a physical affair… I assume you are not one of those man who gets off on the idea of your parter with another person — I am assuming male, but you have not said. You need to ask yourself some serious questions about trust going forward.

Can you forgive? Or will it come up every time there is an argument?

Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. But it does mean not trotting it out every time something goes wrong.

Best of luck.