Awkward sex/he stopped midway

[Tunisge89]

Looking for some views on my situation.

I have been with my dp for 9 years, I’m in my late 20s, we have 3 dc together. He was my first so I’ve learned everything from him (practically) although I wasn’t his first, he had slept with 10 women before me but he was a teenager then so I don’t really count that.

tonight, we had sex, he went down on me but honestly I just couldn’t get turned on. I have been struggling with getting aroused the past month/2 months. Usually I’ll have a week or 2 when I’m extremely horny during my cycle, this is purely due to hormones around ovulation. I don’t let him know that I’m not turned on, as I feel that will make the situation uncomfortable and I honestly want to have sex and want to please him. When he was going down on me and thrusting I honestly didn’t feel any pleasure, I was barely wet and it just felt like the physical motion but no actual enjoyment. Usually if I’m horny any little touch tingles through my body but I’ve been struggling recently.

he stopped himself from finishing once or twice (which I absolutely hate when he does as he usually then ends up taking ages to finish in the end and I can’t handle long sessions) but then he just went soft and used that time to go back down on me. I instantly felt embarrassed as I always think it’s my fault, so while he was down on me I just couldn’t focus. At the same time, I’m tired of faking it and don’t want to feel more embarrassed if I force myself to orgasm when he’s gone soft and then I will feel more useless that I couldn’t keep him hard but he’ll feel that he was able to get me to orgasm.

of course this was all in my head, he wasn’t aware of any of this, while he was down I gently moved his hand twice, as he was putting 2 fingers inside and it was a little uncomfortable but nothing major, I was only slightly manoeuvring his hands into a different position. He then completely stopped mid way, stood up, walked away, put on his clothes and sat down and started eating. He didn’t say anything, I lied there on the floor naked for 20 minutes while he sat eating, I could have gotten up and left the room but in that moment I just felt so embarrassed and wanted the ground to swallow me up.

When I eventually went to stand up he then told me he stopped as I moved his hand twice and that’s why. He asked me why I don’t talk or communicate during sex and said he’s never experienced that with anyone else before. This is where I got upset, without going into too much detail and without fixating on this next part, he cheated on me a few years ago. Although I know about this one woman, I feel there may be others but never found out. We have moved on past this but it’s always in my head and him telling me he hasn’t experienced this with anyone else just hit a nerve. Even without him saying anything I naturally always feel like I will be compared to other women. Unlike me, who only knows him, he has seen and experienced many different women, vaginas, bodies etc.

his point is valid, he wants me to communicate during sex and tell him what I like/don’t like, he wanted me to talk and tell him that I didn’t like the 2 fingers, or wanted it differently etc. I tried to explain to him that I just don’t feel 100% comfortable like that, I feel embarrassed and that’s why I find it hard to talk during sex.

im not sure what to do now, we are in separate rooms and I feel sad, humiliated, not good enough etc. although this is just me putting those words in my head, he hasn’t said anything of the sort but I can’t help how I feel and I’ve always kept it to myself.

on top of that, I’m not sure if there’s something wrong with my body as I’m struggling to get aroused and wet, or if I’m just struggling to get turned on by him (not in a physical way, he’s very attractive) or if it’s a mixture of both? I’ve gotten to the point of looking into estrogen vaginal creams to help with the low libido/dryness etc but I also feel that I’m very young to have those issues and don’t want to take something that can have risks if it’s not needed.

I really don’t know what to do

i should add - I don’t usually struggle to get wet if I masturbate. I’m able to get myself to orgasm quite quickly and get wet. However the last few times it was more of a force

🥲 what a horrible night for you.

im confused was he trying to prove a point, or teach you a lesson? He says you don’t communicate in sex but stopping midway through and going to eat is definitely not communicating or loving.

Do you think maybe some of your physical issues are a result of the trust in the relationship being broken?

I’m not sure what he was trying to do, he said he stopped as if it was awkward for him that I wasn’t communicating and just kept moving his hand. Maybe he felt he wasn’t doing a good job? Even though it really wasn’t that big of a deal, he has a big ego.

honestly I think that’s a possibility. The trust being broken causes me to always have things on my mind, no matter what so it’s hard for me to completely relax. We do usually have amazing sex, but that’s mainly when I’m ovulating and horny. If I think about it, I don’t think I get turned on by him. Whenever I am turned on it’s purely down to hormones when I’m ovulating, other than that I just get the job done for his sake…

Communication is key to sex.

He wants to pleasure you and is uncertain about what you enjoy or don’t. You should see that as a good thing. I mean do you really want he to carry on doing something that is not working for you?

He wants some kind of feedback, to say that feels good, or this works better for me than that.

If you cannot tell him what you like how is he supposed to please you, how is he supposed to feel good about his skills?

If you fell inhibited to talk during sex, then perhaps do the talking before hand. I want you to take me to bed right now and do X to me, but use more lube, or use one finger not two… if you don’t want to talk during then tell him before that you don’t want to talk during, make it a sexy thing to do rather than a means of closing off from him.

Just my 2 cents

I completely understand that, it’s a good thing and why I said his point is valid. Of course this is what I would want from my partner, the stripping and walking off mid sex and ignoring me there naked was very awkward for me though.

also, my issue with talking during sex is that I don’t feel completely comfortable, due to his range of experiences and my lack of and not feeling turned on.

on top of that, he went soft before the ‘finger’ situation happened… which makes me feel more uncomfortable and not good enough compared to others

I agree walking away mid session, is just rude!

I am not trying to excuse his behaviour, he should not have done that. Men are not the most articulate creatures, if we cannot understand our feelings, or cannot say what we feel, running away is usually an option... not a good option, but an option.

I understand that you are uncomfortable talking during. My partner is the same, but she has other cues that I've learned to read, a soft moan, or subtle muscle twitch. You need to learn your partner, and vice versa, what works with one may not work on another.

I frequently soften, while going down. I mean that part of me is not in use right now, and my mind is focused on her, of course it's going to soften. Once you are done, that is something you can work on to bring him back up.

Men do have fragile egos, when they perceive that something is going wrong, and they don't know how to fix it. Which is why communication is very helpful.

I understand that you have less sexual experience than he does, but what does that matter? Confidence is something you need. Perhaps you should engage in some self exploration to find out what works for you, so that you can whisper it in his ear. Or have a few drinks before hand so you are both relaxed, or watch a film with some erotic content to get you in the mood?

Perhaps if you cannot communicate with him, try role-play or dress up so that you are someone else?

Or he could just have had a shit day at work, and have his mind on other things?

Sorry you had such an awful eve OP. I felt really sad for you left alone on the floor and imagine you felt really vulnerable as well as embarrassed.

To use a MN phrase, to me it sounds like you've got The Ick, or at least the start of it. The cheating broke your trust and now your subconscious is controlling your body- not attracted to DP and the hormones may override at times but ultimately you don't want to be intimate with him. Not getting turned on, physically and mentally, is the biggest clue. It doesn't sound like there's anything physical going wrong if masturbation is normal.

I've experienced this in a relationship before and it got to the point where sex was either impossible or very painful. It didn't end well for that relationship despite counselling because there was nothing wrong to fix, we just weren't compatible any more.

It doesn't sound like you're past the cheating - absolutely not a criticism, I couldn't get past it either- if it's still on your mind and the constant comparisons are going to leave your fragile self esteem in tatters. Sorry you're going through this

Um you moved his hand that was communication - he sounds cruel actually. He could have cuddled and re-assured you - something is off about his reaction - it sounds abusive - please don’t think it’s you - he’s punishing you - he’s decided to sleep in separate beds - he’s making out the issue is you - it’s not - your not over his affair which is understandable. I’d try and step back from him and really see him - your response was ok - you moved his hand - no big deal - any fool would know that you didn’t like what he was doing - because you did that he rejected you by standing it and walking away and now he’s in another room. I hope you have real life support. 🌺

I’ve reread your initial post, somehow I managed to miss the cheating part on the first read through.

That changes everything… fuck him! Or rather, don’t fuck him ever again!

Time to get yourself a divorce and get clear of that asshole. You could be having great sex with someone who cares about you, wants to be with you, enhances rather than detracts from you.

Life is to short to waste on cheaters… it’s really not that hard to keep your dick in your pants.

Agree with @KTSl1964 also- I didn't delve into the details because I was looking at the bigger picture but of course you communicated! You don't have to speak or give instructions to communicate, especially with a long term partner who should have a good idea about your non-verbal communication. Christ even a ONS would grasp that moving a hand meant stop/change that please.
Clearly his reaction afterwards was shitty and it's a bit rich to criticise you for lack of communication then behaving like that. It sounds like he was trying to teach you a lesson in comms by stopping abruptly and humiliating you.

Thanks everyone for your reassurance.

I will admit, I’m naturally quite shy with talking/communicating during sex regardless, but having been together for so long he knows me quite well - what I like/don’t like and the hand gesture was a form of communication. I’ve also told him multiple times in the past that I prefer 1 finger to 2, so I have communicated that before. I think as he has a very big ego, he might have felt he wasn’t doing a good job and that’s why he stopped and walked away.

today things were fine, we tried again to have sex, he really tried to take his time and turn me on. I do feel bad, as he does try to always make me satisfied and has asked me in the past to tell him what I like etc, he’s thoughtful like that. I was actually quite horny before we had sex today, had more feeling down there etc, but again once the sex started I just couldn’t relax. There was just a mental block.

after the sex he spoke to me about it, told me he can tell I’m not enjoying sex with him anymore, asked me what’s wrong/what I think the problem is and if I want to text it to him instead I can. He asked me if I’m not attracted him anymore, or if it’s a health issue or if it’s a mental problem. He also asked if I masturbate, incase that’s causing it?

I wrote the text out explaining all of my issues regarding the sex, I haven’t sent it to him yet but plan to.

im not saying this is the case with sex every time. Most times it’s fine, I mean we had sex 3 days in a row last week, it was fine but inside I can tell I’m not very aroused and struggling to get turned on/wet.

i believe 80% of my issue is down to my lifestyle, in terms of not being happy, relationship issues, trust issues, confidence issues etc. I think around 20% of my issue is down to hormone issues too. I agree the trust issues surrounding the cheating justifies why I would feel this way, even though we moved past this as it’s been a few years, but recently something happened with another woman. A client of his was extremely flirty with him which lead to her husband approaching my dp accusing him of sleeping with her (he hadn’t, and had the proof) but the entire situation has given me the ick

A little update - I think I may be more of the issue than dp…

I had some alone time and decided to experiment. I was horny earlier today, before we had sex, I just tried to masturbate now.

absolutely dry! I managed to finish two times, in around 10 minutes - although it was such a force to get there as it was so dry down there. After I orgasm I will always be wet, this time I’m completely dry even after both orgasms. I’ve not experienced it to this level before and now I’m just worried I have issues.

clearly there’s a hormonal issue right? But I don’t understand, even women that aren’t ovulating or are at different stages of their cycle can still have sex and get wet regardless. There’s clearly something wrong with me.