Sex life mismatch can we get back ??

[35dadof2kent]

I apologize as I know this topic has been done to death and I probably could look back through the hundreds of posts on here but I am looking for direct advice.

Me and my wife have been together 11 years (35 & 32) and married 7 of those, as I'm sure is the case for most couples when we first got together we were having sex non stop, but even after being together 5/6 years we were still averaging 3 or 4 times a week, it was always equally instigated and consensual and we had a very healthy sex life, nothing crazy in terms of kinks or anything but adventurous and passionate

We decided after marriage to try for children and 3 months later we became pregnant with our eldest daughter

And from pretty much then onwards our sex life has stopped

Appreciate during pregnancy especially being our first that our sex life would drop off, we probably did it three or fours times during pregnancy but I wasn't worried about that at all

After we had our first we didn't have sex for six months again wasn't too worried about this as my wife had c section and was all very unknown to us

However when we started trying sex again my wife was experiencing pain, we think caused by c section
And she has been having pain since

Our sex life then went to then probably having sex once maybe twice a month and it feels like she's doing it just to shut me up, I have a very high sex drive and would happily have sex most days but her drive is now literally at zero

However she then decided she wanted a second child and we did it most days for two months, she was experiencing pain maybe every other time but did seem to enjoy a few sessions
We then had our second daughter two years ago and followed pretty much the same pattern and we are now back to sex once or twice a month

I completely understand that if having sex causes pain then you wouldnt want to do but she flat out refuses to go to the doctors to try and help with the pain

I've offered to go doctors with her - no
Try lube - no
Try just oral - no
Try lots of foreplay -no
Try just doing external play with no pressure to do piv - no

She just doesn't want to try anything or go to docs and seems happy to once a month take a bit of pain and shut me up

I'm at my wits end with the situation we have discussed non stop for the past few years but nothing is changing and I don't know what to do i.miss that passion and closeness so much just as much as i am frustrated due to my high sex drive and I don't want to look elsewhere for sex as I still love and desire my wife but there's only so many times you can be turned down before you start to think the problem is you

Shes assured me she still loves me but she has just accepted she has no sex drive any more and that when she have sex it hurts, I'm hopeful a doc would be able to help us and be able to help with pain and techniclques but she just doesn't seem bothered

Any help or advice from people in similar situations m.or.f be most appreciated

If you had pain when you had sex would you want to do it?

I can tell you as a man, who suffered from phimosis [scarring of the foreskin] that while I really wanted to have sex with my partner, it was excruciating, agonising, and every time would cause more scaring and more pain the next time. Even now after many years Ii have a strong desire for sex, but a fear / anxiety to actually performing the deed.

Now I have no idea what the issue is with your wife or how you might help her to over come it. After a C-Section, she may not be comfortable with seeing a medical professional, or asking for medical help.

She may have physical scars, she may also have mental scars from the pregnancy and birth. If she is unable to speak to you and receive your support, I'd suggest that she be encourage to seek counselling to explore the issue and perhaps gain a recommendation to seek further help from a qualified outsider to your relationship.

In the mean time my advice is to be supportive to her, and use your own hand!