Mismatched sex drives

[beebee23]

DH and I have been together over 20 years. He has ED and after briefly trying viagra says he doesn’t like the side effects and doesn’t want to take it. We have some nice times together but no penetrative sex any more, which I miss. If I try to initiate he will cuddle a bit but it doesn’t go anywhere. We had arranged a time once a week for us, but he now says that’s not working for him. He won’t try anything at other times as says the kids will hear. He doesn’t want to talk about it, I think partly embarrassment, and despite my saying I’m frustrated doesn’t show any interest in my point of view.

I have a fairly active sex drive, I’d do it at least twice a week if possible, perhaps more. I am massively frustrated and just basically sorting myself out now as I know weeks or months will go by with nothing happening between us. I feel like I’ve tried for years to interest him, make moves, arrange times, been understanding etc but fundamentally he’s just not very interested.

I find it pretty lonely and heartbreaking tbh, and constantly have crushes on other people which is hard to manage. I don’t know what to do. We are happy enough in other ways but it’s just always been a problem and I’m basically just not myself, and I need the physical closeness to feel loved really.

There are other treatments then Viagra that have less / different side effects, would he be open to trying something else.

your other options are
get used to it
leave
ask For an open relationship
have an affair

that’s about it, ultimately if he doesn’t want to have sex that’s his choice & he if won’t do anything about it, those are his consequences to deal with

yes, these are the options opened to you. How old are you, and him?

It seems that it is a myth that it is men who are more sexually frustrated because partner is no longer 'interested'. Partly because they tend to be older, but for other reasons too.

It seems that it is a myth that it is men who are more sexually frustrated because partner is no longer 'interested'. Partly because they tend to be older, but for other reasons too.

I don’t think it’s a myth, I’m sure there just as many frustrated men about when their wives/ partners are no longer interested , they tend to go off and have affairs more often I think

It's pretty heartbreaking for either person when their OH doesn't want or can't have sex. What is hard is in this case as the DH won't talk about it and won't explore all options. Frankly with that level of ED I'd be worried there is a health issue anyway.

The reality is whilst this doesn't automatically mean an affair, it often means that the frustrated party does over time become more vulnerable to an affair as they crave the intimacy and enjoyment of sex so hence the benefits of trying to sort it out. And yes women can definately feel that frustration and cheat...I know as my older friend did . She didn't go looking, as she described it, she succumbed as her DH just isn't bothered. She is still having extra martial sex on an ad hoc basis with the same man and she says it is what is keeping her marriage together. I find it uncomfortable morally but do understand. She is unlikely to be caught as she travels a lot with her job and he is lives where she visits regularly so they meet, have a meal etc and then have sex. Helps that he is much more adventurous in bed so she has opened her eyes, but the downside is she would love more but accepts this is better than nothing

I think you really need to explore each others feelings. It’s hard to express dissatisfaction without blame creeping in.

I think if you could point out the good things and stroke his ego a little and see if you can get him to open up. Would you be happy with just non penetration or is that a firmrequirement.

the pressure on him will be huge and you have to show him in your eyes he’s still a real man!

Thank you everyone. I have tried to talk to him but he always says it’s a bad time or he’s tired. Today is the first time we’ve had together without being at work or kids being at home. He’s gone out. I will try again. I don’t want to leave, and can’t, financially, and don’t want to have an affair. But my self esteem is so low now, I get depressed on and off, and it all feels like a bit of a sham relationship. He just doesn’t seem to want to talk about any of it. Years ago I said that I get crushes on other people because I’m frustrated. He’s never asked anything about that, shows no interest. I do compliment him, have never criticised, but he doesn’t seem to like that either. I don’t know. They did do blood tests when he went to the GP a few years ago and said all clear. TBH I’m not too bothered about PIV, just regular sexual contact would be good. I will try to talk to him. Thank you.

Try initiating with toys, see if he is willing to use them on you, if he agrees then that could give him the boost he needs?

It sounds to me like your DH is being really selfish.

If two people have entered willingly in to a committed, monogamous marriage, then in my view they have a responsibility to each other to ensure their needs are met.

This of course does not mean having sex whenever your spouse demands it.

But it does mean caring about your spouse's happiness and listening with love and empathy. A loving spouse should be extremely concerned when told that his or her partners needs are not being met. He or she should be solution focussed, and bring suggestions to the table for ways that the other person's needs can be met.

You seem to be doing this yourself. I'm sure you've raised the issue very sensitively. And of course there can be many other wonderful forms of sexual contact beyond PIV.

If your husband loves you and cares about your happiness, he should be doing the same. I'm so sorry your words seem to be falling on deaf ears. Masturbation while fantasising about the kind of marriage you wish you had is such a lonely place to be.

Does he think you'll never leave him because of this? Perhaps suggesting seriously that you might would give him a wake-up call. Even a trial separation somehow (move out somewhere for a few weeks - I don't know if that's possible for you).

The message you need to get across is that there are only two options for a way forward. One: a commitment to explore jointly, actively and enthusiastically, potential solutions to this problem that work for both of you, or two: divorce. It sounds like he is counting on number three: you suddenly being happy and satisfied without sex for the rest of your life, which he needs to understand is not going to happen.

Do you carry an equal share of the mental load in the household /family? There may be other situational or family dynamic issues at play. Teenagers always in the house? Stuff like that

Come along now @DonnaBanana.

So this woman's husband would stop stonewalling her pleas for more intimacy and be the man she deserves, if only she would stop leaving him to organise everything around the house?

Maybe it's true, that she hasn't been pulling her weight at home for years, and her husband has run out of ways to ask her, so the only thing he can think of is to hit her where he knows it hurts, and refuse to have sex with her.

After all, she can't force him to, can she? And it's not as if she's going to end the marriage just because of that.

Possible, but unlikely.