FWB selfishness help needed

[Fwbdilemma]

I've been with my FWB for over 3 years. He lives 2 hours away. I spend a lot of time at his during school holidays (I'm a teacher). I go to his about once every 2/3 weekends in term time. He rarely comes to me, as I have young adult children in my house full time, so he's in a hotel.

We message throughout the day, every day. At least 20 interactions, sometimes over 200. He's told me I've been the closest friend to him in supporting him through 2 deaths of his close friends.

We spent a lot of time with each other over this last Christmas, like we do every school holiday. I realised just how comfortable and relationshippy it felt. We didn't have sex every night. We did things like go for walks and country pub drinks. We both don't have the feels for each other though. We're agreed on this. I tell friends I'll likely be seeing him until I'm dead unless Mr right or ms right come along for either of us.

Tonight he's "gone out with his best mate". I only know this as I suggested he come to me this weekend for an event he would love and he declined. In the early days, I catfished him and the fake stood him up. That night he told me he was "out with his best mate" too. The way he's spoken about tonight, he's clearly lying. The absence of messages over the last 3 hours is also unusual for the nights he is out with his bestie.

If he's on a date (which I suspect) good luck to him. But I'm having this weird feeling of "I don't want him, but I want him until I don't want him anymore"

Reality is that I've had a few one night stands and dates during these years. He's not aware. I've always kept him safe. I even hooked up with my ex in Dec for a few dates. I was on the phone to FWB whilst messaging ex arranging our date later that night.

I feel bad for feeling like this, as it's FWB. I want happiness for him...but clearly only on my timeline. And he's only doing what I've already done, but he didn't know.

What advice can you offer to help me stop being so selfish?

(And thanks for reading this far..this post is longer than I expected it to be!)

I don't think you are FWB. Sounds like a relationship to me.

Sounds like non friend without benefits to me. It’s time to look elsewhere.

lf you are going down the FWB route, l would usually suggest having more than one.

It's not a relationship in the conventional sense @GentlemanJay I stopped trying to label it a while back. It's definitely more than just FWB sex, but I view him as someone to have fun with until I meet Mr Right.

Neither of us want sex 5 days/nights in a row @StarlightLadythe benefits feel additional to sex... Someone to have a laugh with and to go places with.

I don't like that he lied to me. That's not what friends do. Is that the angle you mean on the non friend?

I would struggle to have more than 1 FWB. I wouldn't feel safe having sex with that many people by association. I have thought for a while now that I do need someone closer, but haven't been bothered to do anything about it as what I've currently got is easy.

So first off - nothing may come of his dates.

But also relationships are often hard, sex with a new person can sometimes feel awkward or anxiety provoking. There’s lots of uncertainty in dating. What you have with him is very comfortable. And whilst you’ve got that then perfectly good candidates for a more meaningful relationship or Mr Right will always fall short to the ease and comfort of a FWB. So I think he may be doing you a favour if this ends. You’ll finally be able to give new dates a real chance.

What advice can you offer to help me stop being so selfish?

I think the advice from @StarlightLady is spot on , you have no reason to be jealous of his potential dates as you have been seeing other people during this period.

you either move this relationship to Friends only and you both see others for sex or you commit to each other full time.

"We message throughout the day, every day. At least 20 interactions, sometimes over 200"

That's really not how you do FWB.

Sounds like you do have some feelings to me.

He's my first FWB.

I'm not his first, second, third or fourth FWB. I followed his lead.

This is not a Feb then

Messaging frequently throughout the day is not how FWB works...

It's a bit of a double standard that you see other people but then get jealous when you think he's doing the same. It's none of your business whether he's out with a friend or on a date. You shouldn't be trying to find out.

He sounds boring. Just dump him.

No idea why you are so connected to the loser to be honest.

It's how FWB has been working for us.

I'm not jealous of him going on a date. I'm sad he's lied to me. There was no need and it's not what friends do. Life is too short to have people around me I don't trust.

I'm not going to try and find out what he's been up to. I agree it's his business. I thought my opening post made that clear.

I don't understand, if he's fwb isn't it implied that neither of you are exclusive and could be waiting for 'the one'? And as for him (possibly - remember this is just your hunch!) 'lying' hasn't he done exactly what you've done when you haven't mentioned your other hook ups? Definitely sounds like more than fwb, at least on one, and possibly both, sides

No, lying is different to what I've done. We spoke about not being exclusive. We agreed we didn't need to know if/when the other did, we just needed to keep each other safe.

When I meet people I don't tell him. If he asks to meet up when I've already got something arranged, I'll say sorry, diary is already full. Which he could have easily done and may have already done. Instead he lied.

All of that aside, this is the part I wanted help with

If he's on a date (which I suspect) good luck to him. But I'm having this weird feeling of "I don't want him, but I want him until I don't want him anymore"

Does anyone have any tips on dealing with this selfish attitude?

It's not what fwb do usually all that texting!
Mine and I usually just text if we want a meet up .

You are using Semantics to say he is lying ,
he doesn’t tell you when if he is meeting other people & neither do you - you say “ diary is full “ not that you are seeing someone else , you are using hiding behind your words and not telling the truth

It’s plain jealousy, maybe you should stop seeing him as you clearly don’t like him seeing other people & are lying to yourself about it

We agreed we didn't need to know if/when the other did, we just needed to keep each other safe.

Saying he's seeing his mate is his cover story, just like saying your diary is full is yours. It's not lying because you've agreed not to tell each other when you see other people. You sound too heavily invested for a FWB with him IMO.

Be honest with yourself. Do you have feelings for this guy? I'm pretty sure you do from your posts. I don't message my DP who I am in an actual relationship with as much as you do! You either need to turn this into an exclusive committed relationship or move on. This is messing with your head.

Yours is a fuck buddy situation which is less connected than a FWB situation

Sounds very much like you both having feelings for each other, maybe love just doesn't look like you expected it too. Time for some honest conversations between you I think.