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How do I deal with this in a kind and understanding, loving way?

18 replies

INcogNitoErgoSum1 · 27/01/2024 21:45

Long term poster. NC because it's delicate.

After a very long term and loving relationship ended unexpectedly I have recently met a new man.

He's kind and lovely, and everything I would want him to be. I'm falling for him.

We have had sex a few times, and there is a problem, and I don't know how to tackle it.

The first time, even though we kissed and cuddled and touched for ages, when I came to touch him he was completely soft. Although he had given every indication that he was enjoying the kissing etc (moaning, heavy breathing) it had had no physical effect on him. I was surprised because I myself am hard to turn on and I was raring to go. I remembered that he told me he liked to be stroked and licked until hard, followed by deeper oral, so I gave it a go, and it took a good 10 minutes to get him erect, and even then I'm not convinced it was a full erection. We did have PIV, but he didn't orgasm and it stopped abruptly.

He was very kind and loving, and I apologised that he didn't orgasm. He reassured me, but having never experienced that with my only previous partner I did wonder if it was my fault (which I could understand).

The next day we tried again, and it was better - he, again, was kind and lovely, he did get hard quicker (but again took much longer than I have ever experienced before with full oral and manual stimulation), and we did achieve an orgasm for him through PIV - but I'm still concerned that there is perhaps a problem.

We have talked so openly about sex and what we like and want from each other..in great detail..but he never mentioned this.

I'm unsure how to deal with the situation without hurting him unintentionally.

I really like him, and would love a long term relationship with him, which he has indicated he wants too, but I know long term this could be a problem for us, and from my side specifically for me because it's very dispiriting when stimulation works so very slowly, and then perhaps not fully at all.

I don't want to lose him. I dont want our sex life to be this. I don't know what to do.

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nameForThis99 · 27/01/2024 22:47

Pretty obviously he has ED, if you talk about sex a lot and what you both like etc, just plain ask him about it , it might be embarrassing but the meds are cheap and plentiful ( if you’re in the UK ) & you may well find it’s just stage fright and a few successful attempts everything is okay

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INcogNitoErgoSum1 · 27/01/2024 23:39

Thank you.

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Namechangefromholiday · 28/01/2024 06:27

Sounds like ED as PP said. Often first time it can be nerves but dissipates.

How old is he? Any medical conditions (appreciate he prob wouldn't say)?

If it is ED you have to decide what to do as it gets soul destroying. Reading on MN it is beginning to sound like a national scourge blighting men but I'm fortunate never to have experienced a man with it

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Yozzer87 · 28/01/2024 07:28

I've experienced one man like this. He had never mentioned it until we got down to business. We didn't date very long and in all, had sex about 5 times. Each time he took ages to get hard, then lost the erection. One time we did it without issue but he seemed really surprised of the fact he came. He would say a lot of sexual things to me but they rarely translated into actually doing them. He then casually said one day that his ex wife had had enough of him not being able to have sex properly and that's why she cheated on him. I did feel resentment towards the fact he had then transferred his problem to me and made it my problem.

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INcogNitoErgoSum1 · 28/01/2024 07:39

He is 50. No conditions that I know of, but he doesn't have a healthy lifestyle.

I'm not hugely sexual myself, so I can live without needing to do it every night..but I know that I will be hugely discouraged that I can't get him hard easily. Giving oral with zero or extremely slow response is utterly demotivating ..a few minutes in and I'm struggling.

I adore him in every other way though. It feels really cruel.

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nameForThis99 · 28/01/2024 08:02

INcogNitoErgoSum1 · 28/01/2024 07:39

He is 50. No conditions that I know of, but he doesn't have a healthy lifestyle.

I'm not hugely sexual myself, so I can live without needing to do it every night..but I know that I will be hugely discouraged that I can't get him hard easily. Giving oral with zero or extremely slow response is utterly demotivating ..a few minutes in and I'm struggling.

I adore him in every other way though. It feels really cruel.

50 with an unhealthy lifestyle is the perfect combination for ED , just because his penis is not full of blood is doesn’t mean you are not arousing him, it just means his penis is not full of blood and he might need help with that

just take a look at the ED market, there are so many treatments available, something will work

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nameForThis99 · 28/01/2024 08:13

Namechangefromholiday · 28/01/2024 06:27

Sounds like ED as PP said. Often first time it can be nerves but dissipates.

How old is he? Any medical conditions (appreciate he prob wouldn't say)?

If it is ED you have to decide what to do as it gets soul destroying. Reading on MN it is beginning to sound like a national scourge blighting men but I'm fortunate never to have experienced a man with it

Reading on MN it is beginning to sound like a national scourge blighting men 

I think this is true and not true at the same time, older men ( and their partners, ) have suffered in silence with ED for years, but it’s just talked about more openly and frequently now on TV, Film, radio , internet , this coupled with the increase in marriage breakdown there are more & more middle aged people embarking on new relationships and finding things don’t work how they used to.


if you look at the health of the general population there are many more overweight sedentary middle aged men about and ED is a early warning sign that you are on the road to serious health issues

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nameForThis99 · 28/01/2024 08:38

INcogNitoErgoSum1 · 28/01/2024 07:39

He is 50. No conditions that I know of, but he doesn't have a healthy lifestyle.

I'm not hugely sexual myself, so I can live without needing to do it every night..but I know that I will be hugely discouraged that I can't get him hard easily. Giving oral with zero or extremely slow response is utterly demotivating ..a few minutes in and I'm struggling.

I adore him in every other way though. It feels really cruel.

A lifestyle change, exercise and weight loss would be a major benefit as well

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INcogNitoErgoSum1 · 28/01/2024 10:17

nameForThis99 · 28/01/2024 08:02

50 with an unhealthy lifestyle is the perfect combination for ED , just because his penis is not full of blood is doesn’t mean you are not arousing him, it just means his penis is not full of blood and he might need help with that

just take a look at the ED market, there are so many treatments available, something will work

Can a man be aroused without an erect penis?

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ruffler45 · 28/01/2024 12:18

MIght be a case of stage fright and his head is not on the right place at the moment. When was his last relationship?

Might be medical of course where a blue tablet (others are available) might help.

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nameForThis99 · 28/01/2024 13:43

INcogNitoErgoSum1 · 28/01/2024 10:17

Can a man be aroused without an erect penis?

Yeah - of course, why do you think there a multi million pound ED industry,
Doctors, walk in clinics, high street pharmacies, internet providers- tons of choice, think of it as a plumbing problem that needs to be addressed

BUT - health, lifestyle, cutting down on smoking, drinking & weight and diet are all key as well

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/erection-problems-erectile-dysfunction/

nhs.uk

Erectile dysfunction (impotence)

Find out what erectile dysfunction is, what the common causes are and how it can be treated.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/erection-problems-erectile-dysfunction/

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Cambsguy · 28/01/2024 13:46

Quite possibly stage fright. Has happened to me a few times with new partners. That need/desire to impress and for things to be perfect but a huge emotional strain, and if it's not rock hard early it's hard to combat. For me, using condoms was the biggest issue, they really were a passion killer, again probably mainly in the head.

A small dose of Tadafil (or whatever its called) is sometimes just the nudge needed.

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PinotPony · 30/01/2024 20:45

It might just be nerves at being with a new partner. I'd give it a bit of time before suggesting viagra to him! If you make it into a big issue in his head, it's likely to get worse.

If his erections don't improve once he feels more comfortable with you, then it may be worth having some gentle chats about his general health and lifestyle.

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JustStoppedByOnTheWayToTheShed · 30/01/2024 21:12

I live a very healthy lifestyle, but in my mid-late 40’s I noticed erections were getting slower to arrive and quicker to depart. I know that it had nothing to do with desire, I was not at all bored in our relationship. It wasn’t her, it wasn’t me, it was my disappointing (to both of us) physiology.

Eventually I bought a pack of little blue pills from an on-line pharmacy and…WOW…that was a revelation. My Dr confirmed I’m fit and healthy and gave me a prescription (which saves A LOT) of money.

In a way erections are like eyesight. If you need correction it doesn’t matter how much you want to see something, you still can’t focus. Lucky we live in a world with so many options.

I suppose the difficult bit is how you approach this in your current relationship.

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JustStoppedByOnTheWayToTheShed · 30/01/2024 21:13

I live a very healthy lifestyle, but in my mid-late 40’s I noticed erections were getting slower to arrive and quicker to depart. I know that it had nothing to do with desire, I was not at all bored in our relationship. It wasn’t her, it wasn’t me, it was my disappointing (to both of us) physiology.

Eventually I bought a pack of little blue pills from an on-line pharmacy and…WOW…that was a revelation. My Dr confirmed I’m fit and healthy and gave me a prescription (which saves A LOT) of money.

In a way erections are like eyesight. If you need correction it doesn’t matter how much you want to see something, you still can’t focus. Lucky we live in a world with so many options.

I suppose the difficult bit is how you approach this in your current relationship.

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INcogNitoErgoSum1 · 31/01/2024 06:14

Thank you everyone. I'm seeing him again this weekend, so I shall see how it goes. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him. He is very special.

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homeiswhereyouparkit · 31/01/2024 08:55

Just to reiterate that this is absolutely no reflection on you. Its entirely the mans problem. My guess would be first night nerves, especially if he has not been in a relationship for quite a while.

See how you go for the next couple of times, then maybe have the chat, but along the lines of your concerned about his health. ED in men can also be a signal of other significant health issues which he would need to see the GP about.

Good luck. Its an awful thing for both of you. I really hope that it resolves itself.

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StarlightLady · 31/01/2024 12:21

It always amazes me that women go through smears, Hollywood waxes, various gynaecological things and generally get used to undignified positions and being poked about, yet men seem reluctant to seek medical help.

lf you were not so keen, l would suggest moving on, but as he ticks other boxes, maybe not. But without help things won’t improve and they are likely to get worse.

OP, at the very least ask your partner to seek ED medication from a pharmacist. I suspect he is making matters worse, by worrying about what will and won’t happen each occasion.

ln the meantime, you might want to suggest oral only sessions. Then, what happens, happens and what doesn’t, doesn’t but you can still enjoy the intimacy. Maybe things can naturally progress from there.

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