Don't feel good enough

[Canwedoit4]

Please be gentle, I need some outside perspective. I've put this on the sex board because it's the sex situation rather than the relationship I'm struggling with.
Me and DH had a lovely sexy weekend but I don't orgasm when we have sex, he made a comment in jest about bringing in another man to do that for me! We had a giggle and a laugh and yes I will be honest I didn't scream horrified from the roof tops. I don't really have any interest in having sex with another man but thought if I could finally get an orgasm and my DH was OK with this we could have a conversation about it.
Skip to the next day and he has signed up to a website and is talking about how he will get to fuck other women because I will be getting it on with another man. I don't know how I felt initially but I kind of ignored it but he has gone on and on and kept pushing and now I feel a bit used and taken advantage of like it wasn't really about my pleasure at all or wanting to see me orgasm it was so he could mess around with other women.
I do understand how selfish this makes me sound, and hypocritical I think it's just because we have come from different headspaces and I just don't feel good enough like this was his agenda all along because he doesn't want me.
DH is adamant this isn't the case and he just thought it was a fair suggestion. Ehy do I feel so hurt.

The answer to how to orgasm question is trust, clitoris stimulation using hands, mouth, sex toys, and experimenting yourself and together. It is NOT to get your husband to have sex with other women.

We have experimented, we have been together a considerable amount of time. I can orgasm on my own, he just doesn't seem to be able to make me regardless of guidance. That was why he suggested another man, he seemed initially to really want this for me! But now the suggestion of having sex with other women makes me feel this is not the case.

Anybody else? Really want to bump this as I'm feeling really shit and don't seem to be able to get over it.

An honest opinion. I think opening a sexual relationship up in a loving close relationship is one thing and for some can be the icing on the cake. Forgive me for saying this but your not in that place.

Him signing upto a site , him saying he can have sex with someone else? No no no. Please don’t even consider your being selfish your really not.

You need to talk and talk and work through this. As someone who’s done the whole threesomes and moresomes your a million miles of doing this.

sorry if this sounds judgemental but this is him not you!!

Thank you for your honest opinion I need to hear it. We have had a chat, I don't think he has intentionally done this to hurt me I think there has been some crossed wires and he has got carried away. We weren't on the same page and I think he understands how dangerous this could be.

There are 2 separate issues here.

You say you do not orgasm when you have sex. But sex is not just about penetration. A skilful lover (Im in my 40s and still use “old fashioned” terminology) will be good with his hands and spend a serious amount of time giving oral. It is not merely an issue of “climax by insertion”, you are not an Ikea flat pack to construct. You can also take someone’s hands to show them what you need.

The second issue is that he is trying to take you out of your comfort zone, seemingly coerce you into something you don’t want and there has been no serious discussion. His logic (if you can call it that) in wanting to open up the relationship, is based on his own inability to bring you to climax. Rather than want things for you, he is looking for more women that he is unable to bring to orgasm. What is in it for you?

Be assertive and clear what you do and don’t want.

The chances of him bringing you to orgasm are indeed very slim, when you are not remotely on the same page.

Sounds to me like he is trying to coerce you in to going along with his own fantasy of an open marriage / opportunity to sleep with someone else guilt free,

Have you orgasmed with previous partners? as i dont see how either of you think another man will guarantee you an orgasm, sounds like you would be better placed working on foreplay/toys/tehcnique with your partner than both sleeping with others

I think your right, we need to figure this out together. I would love for him to be able to make me orgasm, I don't want to be sleeping with other men to try and achieve this and him sleeping with other women isn't going to even come close to solving it either. He is quite upset today at my suggestion of him trying coerce me and I do believe I may have got this wrong. I hold my hands up!

Exactly, maybe he just saw an opportunity and went with it, on reflection isnt going to solve real issue, have you orgasmed with other partners / toys? if yes then surely just need to show him what you like and keep trying

Is he quite poor at sex? Particularly Oral?

it might be getting to him that he can’t make you orgasm hence the bizarre suggestions.

I can only orgasm through Oral or use of hands/fingers but have found many men to be useless at the latter and very hit and miss at the former.

My best orgasms have always been orally and by men who concentrate on what they are doing and don’t keep deviating from their Rhythm. So many men just want to give you a token lick then move up and shove their dick in. They seem to have no concept of what a woman likes.

Yes, quite a big jump from wanting to have an orgasm together with him to bringing other people into the relationship, and definitely sounds like you're uncomfortable with that.

Would suggest introducing toys, maybe try on your own first then when you get used to them and if you're comfortable doing so, use them together so you can enjoy getting satisfied together with him.

As others have said worth getting him to work on his technique too, which should be fun experience in itself if you're sexually compatible. Make him work for it - you have yours before he has his.

He is amazing at oral and doesn't have a problem doing this he isn't selfish like that and is willing to go for however long it takes! I think unfortunately because I have orgasmed through penetration with others, both he and I would like that to be the case here and he is so frustrated that it doesn't happen. Its not that I can't cum because I can - just not through intercourse with him.

I think achieving female orgasm from penetrative sex is bit of a holy grail but from experience and reading up on it, it would appear most women are unable to achieve this so yourself and your partner should not feel you have failed in some way on this.

I seem to recall there have been some topics on this board on this subject with a few helpful suggestions e.g on positions and worth also continuing to experiment with toys and other stimulation to reach point of orgasm immediately before penetration which can also be satisfying.

Definitely a few things to investigate which don't require bringing someone else in!

Agreed there are things to investigate. Do you recall what it was about other partners which got you there? Technique? Size? Something else? I would start with whatever worked before and try and teach him, it sounds like he's trying and fully up for helping get you there, but ultimately we're not mind readers and guidance on what works goes a long way.

Clearly on the extra person he is opening up on a fantasy. Quite how he would feel watching his wife get there with another man (if that happened) is probably a different thing all together, as much as he likes the idea in his head.

I think it's the size, we do try lots of positions but to be honest I have zero expectations now after over 10yrs. I think fantasies are great, they have definitely got me through at times and yeah I have fantasised about another man too but the difference is I don't believe a fantasy would ever play out the way you think because in your head you aren't thinking about the other person's emotions and in reality when it's in front of you, there is no escaping that.

Tricky one to bring up in conversation but have you played with sleeves for down there? He might like the idea, loads on love honey and ones just to boost girth on Amazon. Might be the solution if everything else between you is fine

Maybe it's not another man you need maybe it's a woman 😉🤣

🤣 that would send his head west would it!

I suspect this has become a massive issue for you, and you aren't able to relax into it because it's in your head "will I cum? I want to cum." Too much pressure on you. His comments like that after make you feel more pressure the next time. Tell him to stop saying things like that, as it isn't helping.

I'm going against the grain here and disagree that it's about more/better oral or fingers. Nothing makes me cum like penetrative sex.

If you've cum this way before with previous partners, then spend some time before you next have sex with DH thinking what it was, how things were positioned when you did, pace etc

Then next session with DH be vocal about his pace, his position BEFORE penetration happens. Use it as a way to talk dirty to him. When penetration happens if he's not quite in the right place, guide him. Focus on the pleasure it's giving you, not the orgasm you hope for. Enjoy it. Relax into it.

What I had to do with my current partner was tell him to stay still when inside me. His rhythm was doing nothing for me. I then slowly moved him into the best position for me, gyrating my hips against him. Any time he moved, I told him again to stay still. From that position, I gave myself an orgasm. He found it really hard to stay still, as he wanted to join in with me. Anytime he moved, I stopped moving. He soon got the hint.

It's now something that's part of our sex life. I give myself two or three orgasms with him still on top at my preferred slow pace. He then takes the lead at his much faster pace, or asks me to go on top, as those are what he prefers.

Could be worth a try for you? Whatever you do try, relax into the pleasure your body is giving you and try to get out of your "must cum" headspace is my best advice.