He can't 'finish'

[Catladyireland]

Hi,

I never thought i'd actually write about this online and I'd hate to think he could ever read this. I have been in a (not great, being honest) relationship on and off over a number of years and he does have some tendencies of selfishness/narcissism (I'm just mentioning that in case it's relevant). He has never been able to finish with me during any sexual activity, not even using his own hand when I'm in the room. He says he can easily finish alone, with I'm suspecting quite weird porn. I'm sympathetic towards him and he went cold turkey on porn and masturbation for a while but it didn't help.

As I said I am sympathetic but I really feel we miss out on intimacy and I feel so strange that he simply goes home and masturbates.....

Why do you suspect weird porn in particular? It does remind me of Death-Grip Syndrome, where guys lose sensitivity physically because they're masturbating too much/too hard, or - perhaps more simply, they're so habituated to a particular sexual stimulus (usually via porn) that they struggle to reach orgasm without it.

www.healthline.com/health/death-grip-syndrome

I suspect 'weird' porn as he has some interest in specific kinks, which I know at least some of come from what he watches.

Yeah, the death grip makes sense but he can't even finish himself when I'm in the room.

Have you asked him why he thinks he can't finish? He would have a better insight than you guessing.

DP and I had a similar issue. He said that he got so focussed on my pleasure that he kind of forgot about how he was feeling. Then it was almost like it was too late.. he'd missed the "window of opportunity" to cum.

It also became a "thing" in his head. "Oh god, she's expecting me to cum. I should cum now. Right now. Fuck, why can't I cum?!"

We resolved it over time with a reduction in wanking (in general and particularly to porn) and him finishing by masturbating onto me. PIV ejaculation was helped by him cumming first before focussing on my pleasure (even though he gets sleepy afterwards!)

You just need to talk it through and try out some solutions til you find what works.

Yeah we have talked it through a lot, this has been happening for over six years now. He's tried to speak to counsellors etc about it. He's very frustrated but I just thought I'd share it here and see if anyone had gone through similar

It's a 'not great' 'on and off' relationship where he never orgasms with you but does to weird fetish porn on his own. Personally I think it just sounds rubbish and I'd rather be on my own than with some bloke with a porn addled brain.

do you have an orgasm ?

Why is an issue if he cannot finish with you ?

Is he on medication? Beta blockers and antidepressants in particular can cause this entirely on their own.

Deffo this. And is he turned on by you being turned on/reaching orgasm?

I'm no sex expert but when you say 'he can't even finish himself when I'm in the room', that makes me a) think that he simply can't finish without the particular porn stimulus but also b) wonder whether you're involved/uninvolved with his efforts, ie lying next to him & being affectionate, or basically just letting him get on with it?

He does sound pretty far down a tunnel, OP. It sounds as if your presence in the room is at best irrelevant to whether he can finish, at worst an obstacle - because with you there he can't do what he usually does, ie get his phone out & watch his favourite porn. But if he's genuinely aroused by you and your arousal, ie erect & actually wanting to finish even though he can't, I guess there's hope.

If the porn isn't too weird I guess you could try indulging it a bit, to try & break into the tunnel he clearly goes down re sexual arousal and get him to see you as a 'valid' focus sexually, not just the porn. But even if that works & he's able to cum in front of you - which would be progress given where he is at the moment - you've then got the issue of whether you want to carry on indulging the kink, and whether you can move him on towards the kind of sex you want. You don't want to carry on feeling he's only interested because you've substituted for the porn. I'm not saying 'true' sex always has to be vanilla, but it does have to be a connection between people, not objects. Sounds like a job for a sex therapist, tbh.

Pinot Pony has posted the best answer to this problem

I have been in a (not great, being honest) relationship on and off over a number of years.........

Well, this is a reason to end the relationship anyway, OP. You don't have to stay in a sub-optimal relationship.

.......... and he does have some tendencies of selfishness/narcissism (I'm just mentioning that in case it's relevant)

That's extremely relevant.
He honestly sounds unpleasant. You don't have to stay with a selfish narcissist in a relationship where you get no sexual pleasure.

We resolved it over time with a reduction in wanking (in general and particularly to porn) and him finishing by masturbating onto me

The OP states that he can't finish if she's in the room though.

If it's been going on for so long and he's had counselling, it's probably become a source of huge pressure for him. Virtually impossible to cum with someone there waiting for you to do it!

Its obviously psychological rather than physical. You just need to figure out why.

Just an idea... what if he masturbates (with or without porn) and you just observe with no interaction, perhaps from the other side of the room. So, there's no expectation that he's doing anything for your benefit, it's just him doing what he'd do if he were alone. Would he be too self-conscious to do that? You could frame it in a way that you'd get off on watching him bring himself to orgasm (whether that's true or not)

I'm not suggesting that's a long term solution but it might help bridge the gap between his solo activities and your intimacy as a couple.