ENM relationships- anyone got any experience?

[Painintheback]

Well that really.

(Please, if you don't have experience of this, please skip. This isn't a topic for judgement or moral opinion,. It's verry personal and emotive and not something for everyone. I'm not here for opinions, just people who have been there's, advice!

H and I have a LAT living situation which suits us far better as we've realised as after a very long time we've become quite different, he's become much quieter and now is very staid whilst I've become very outgoing, a real night owl and love being out, sociable etc- it's led to a lot of problems, this is the perfect solution. He also had zero sexual interest in Me, hasn't had for a long time, BUT we still love each other and don't want to separate.

We have recently discussed the idea of an ENM relationship with one partner only each rather than many, well certainly for me, (I don't mind if it's more than one for him as long as its safe For us both.)
Im curious from those who have tried this and how its worked. It would be longer term set ups not one nighters type situations as I see it. Is this a thing etc?

Advice gratefully received.

He also had zero sexual interest in Me, hasn't had for a long time, BUT we still love each other and don't want to separate

You poor thing. You sound so desperate to keep him and he's not actually interested in you at all.

This solution you've come up with won't work long term. You'll suffer a lot of pain.

He's actually very affectionate, caring and considerate in many ways, we just prefer different things lifestyle wise and it's sex for me as well. I'm not entirely sure if it's sex with me or sex in general. He does have ED issues and I think that's a large part of it, meds don't work brilliantly in his case and I suspect that largely explains his lack of interest- the timing coincides.

I had an ex who wanted us to do this because of distance. I had been married for years so I was happier to not be monogamous at that time.

I had a great time dating, he was miserable, jealous, and insecure. He didn't expect to be so happy.

Honestly by the time he mentioned enm I was pretty over the relationship.

Anyone else?

DW was ENM when we met (about 20 years ago). We were M for most of the time after we married.

She had an affair a few years ago (not ENM), which we have worked through and she currently has a ENM second partner.

I wouldn't say it is easy, but we do love each other and it can be made to work.

I know a couple that did this. It seemed ok for a few months but then the husband got very close with his new partner causing lots of problems.

They’re now divorced, the man is now single and woman is dating. They both now say they should have just divorced and could have remained friends as their arrangement ruined any chance of that.

Yep, my husband and I have an ENM relationship. It works very well, but communication is essential. What we originally started off thinking it would look like has changed along the way, but we continue to talk and establish new boundaries.

You hear a lot about ENM relationships that don’t work, but don’t be disheartened. It’s just the successful ones generally aren’t talking about it on the internet. Also, relationships fail - ENM or not - it’s not necessarily because of the NM!

I’m in a ENM relationship - I have a husband (of twelve years, we no longer have sex) and a boyfriend (of eleven months). DH is not interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone else, and boyfriend and I are still in honeymoon phase so he is not pursuing anything with anyone else.
He’s experienced in ENM, I am not.

It takes a lot of work, we’re all very private people - secretive not ashamed.
And energy. Takes a lot of energy.

DP and I are in an ENM relationship. We met 4 years ago on killing kittens and agreed that neither of us wanted to be monogamous.

It takes huge amounts of honest communication. You have to be prepared to have some quite difficult conversations.

I see a couple of guys on a semi regular basis. DP tends to date less than me. It works for us.

I had a short period of time in an ENM situation but for me it didn't really work - I felt particularly bad about my non-primary partner (I still don't like the idea that he was a secondary partner, though that was how I treated him). I still think in theory it could 'work' but I'm actually not sure what it working would look like.

My DH (41) and I (45) became open a few years ago, quickly realised we were poly as both of us need an emotional connection before intimacy and we wanted ongoing relationships. It took a while for him to find a good partner, about 6 months I'd say, so we took it very carefully during that time and I kept my side of things slow. We have found it to be brilliant, it's made us closer and we now have dates and give each other conscious personal time. Communication is key, and going at the pace of the slower partner. As it is now I have a few partners, been dating them for 2&1/2yrs, 2yrs, 18mths and 7mths. He has two partners, of about 18mths and 6mths. We're openly poly, it surprised me how colleagues were unfazed. I couldn't keep the secrecy, and we want our partners to be part of our daily lives. Our kids know, and they know our longer term partners. I would be very happy having an asexual relationship with someone I care about, and two of my partners I do no more than cuddle and kiss with (the intimacy there comes from kink rather than sex). I hope it goes well for you. As someone else said, some people say ENM doesn't work when they've had a bad experience, but you could say the same about monogamy too - it's the people involved, not the system.