Struggling to seduce partner

[ChasingLosses]

NC for this. Apologies for the longer post.

I (36W) struggle to get my partner (50M) in the mood for sex, if he doesn't want it. We've been together 10 years, and have no children. He was always very up for it in the past, while I had a lower sex drive. Now - while the sex is good - it is lower in frequency than I would like. I'm lucky to get once a week and feel like I'm always pestering him for it.

I end up feeling like a sex pest, or that I'm coercing him into sex. I feel a bit shocked by other posers who say their DH never turn down sex. Mine turns down sex often. It only really happens when he initiates, which is becoming less and less. I don't think he has ED or that there is anyone else - we both work from home and spend almost 100% of our time together.

Is there anything I can do, or is this normal? I would feel silly trying things like sexy underwear, at the same time maybe it has become too "practical" for him: I usually just say "fancy a shag", and then it's yes/no. We're often naked around each other, but not in a sexual way. I don't hide my body either.

Not wanting to drip feed: I've put on a bit of weight over the years, but still see myself as on the slimmer side. When we met I was size 8, now I'm size 14 but with a relatively flat stomach and big ass (which I know he likes), with bigger tits. And I'm tall (5 foot 10), so I feel like I pull it off. He is always complimentary about my looks but I do feel I've let myself go a bit compared to how I was. Now I rarely bother with make up, hair, shaving etc I work from home, live in a small town and rarely go out.

I know he preferred me slimmer, he always denies this, but there were times in my latest 20s when I gained and lost weight (e.g. fluctuating between size 8-12) and when I lost it he couldn't keep his hands off me.

I always liked how we are comfortable/best friends, but maybe it has gone too far. What do you think? What can I do to restart the spark? Or is he just getting older? I've spoken with him about it and he just says he is tired (in the morning or night) or busy in the day.

If there are any women or men's POV I'm interested to hear. Maybe I know the answer is going to the gym and making more of an effort to be sexy, but I also enjoy being lazier. I'm a little bit depressed and struggle with self care, emotional eating these days. I enjoyed having a best friend i could bang without any faff. Do I need to put on a show?

From a bloke's perspective, you might have to do a little more. Easy to let the self-care go at times, and the fact that your frequently naked around one another will undoubtedly take away some of the mystery and spontaneity. Sounds like your relationship is just in a bit of a rut.

'Now I rarely bother with make up, hair, shaving etc I work from home, live in a small town and rarely go out.'

I'm not saying we have to dress up tantalise men but this does seem to suggest you don't take any pride in your appearance. Do it for yourself, not anyone else.

When you say you rarely go out do you mean socially? I'd try and find a couple of interests out of the home for a change of scene and build your confidence.

But the obvious thing is talk to him, you're maybe both stuck in a rut. Does he have any fantasies/kinks that you know about?

Maybe try different locations, even perhaps riskier ones.? Stop the car on the way home and jump him.

Thanks for all your replies.

@DGConsultant I appreciate the male perspective. It sounds like there could be a few simple things I could do to make more of an effort. I feel like I knew this intrinsically, but also was a bit in denial - I.e., men are just happy to see you naked and love any sex.

@Janiie thanks for this questions. In my younger years we lived in a more exciting place and would often do things that I would make an effort with my appearance for (e.g. dinner, cocktails, even going to work). These days, after working from home I just watch TV until bed. We live in a tiny town with only a few "old man" pubs and charity shops, but close to the countryside. So on the weekend we either look round the market/charity shops then go to an old man pub for a drink, or do something like a woodland walk/national trust property. I enjoy these but it doesn't feel worthwhile to put on nice clothes/hair/makeup for. At the same time, I get your point of doing it for myself. I also agree with your larger point of finding some kind of hobby to get me out the house. I'm an introvert and think I'm autistic (although undiagnosed) so I like my own company and struggle with other people, which is why I don't do hobbies or have friends I hang out with. But I also think it isn't a healthy way to live.

I'm going to ask him again about fantasies/kinks. In the past he has described pretty basic things that we do, but not often (e.g. anal). Or things he doesn't want to do in real life (e.g. 3some fantasies - he has already done this with ex's).

@Loiteringwithoutintent I really like this idea. Early dating days we used to do things like this, but not anymore. I think surprising him in the car or on a woodland walk could be fun!

At 50 his sex drive might be in decline slightly, the getting fitter and taking some self care need s to be for both of you
for him could be weight Llosa, decent hair cut , new clothes etc

Go to the gym for yourself. Exercise helps with depression, or so I'm told. Extra sexiness should be treated as a happy bi-product.

At 50 your DH's sex drive could be very much in decline. I'm (male) closing in on 50 and would love to have the sex drive I had ten years ago. Yours, on the other hand, could be increasing.

As for the other things: something that stood out in what you wrote is that sex happened from a standing start. That still happens with us, but I think a lot more happens because we have a lot of physical contact that just makes it quite easy to move onto sex but without there being any pressure (and for him, at 50, you don't want that.)

I always liked how we are comfortable/best friends, but maybe it has gone too far. What do you think? What can I do to restart the spark?

I think your answer is in the above quote from your OP.
The spark to be restarted though is you own. From your description of your life it is as if you are settling for pre-retirement. Start thinking about changes to your lifestyle and move more.
You are 5'10" under 40, Wow,

@myNewName21 I didn't think about his health to be fair. But I think you're right. Maybe it's something we both need to do. He has also put on some weight over the years.

@Catullus5 I really appreciate the POV about the "cold start" being difficult. I prefer to ask outright because I don't like to wonder will he/ won't he. But I didn't think it could be putting pressure on him. I'll definitely try the more natural approach over Xmas and see how we get on.

@Lululite thank you for your reply. I'm definitely missing the spark from life, I've been thinking about that for a while and still trying to figure out what that means for me. The winter never helps. I hope that finding a new hobby and exercise might help me feel better in general. I often feel like I'm waiting for my life to pass, rather than enjoying moments.

Life for me became a bit dull a few years ago after divorce. I concentrated on Two areas of my life.
1.My own fitness. I took up running again, ParkRun, but it is tedious in that they start at 9.00am on Saturdays. So soon was just running on my own. then joined a gym and followed a Set Plan.
2.I concentrated on my career. by reading about the technical parts of the industry. I learned enough to move to support Sales Dept.

I made new friends with women at the gym and found I was valued more at work and promoted. I found I had dropped a dress size and had different attitude to family life. I enjoy better sex too.

Good perspective that.

He's at a prime age for low testosterone. It's very common after age 40. It's a simple blood test to get it checked, and very easy to treat if that's the issue.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK532933/

Thank you so much for additional comments and advice, especially @Lululite and @MissConductUS, you've definitely given me other POVs that I didn't expect.

I've already started exercising again and eating a bit better. In laws are over for Xmas so I haven't had the chance to try any of the fun stuff. I'll look into the other ideas re testosterone and him getting fitter, plus some hobbies/spark/new interests for me in the new year... New year, new me 🤣🤣 although that phrase makes me cringe 🤢🤢, I think it might just be relevant here!

You're welcome, OP. My DH had low testosterone in his late 40's. The doctor gave him a prescription gel to rub on his upper arm once a day and he was right as rain in two days.

Low T is also a serious risk factor for cardiovascular disease in men, so even if the libido loss isn't causing problems, it's still very much worth treating.

Does your husband make an effort with his looks, has he put on weight in the last 10 years?

Whilst I understand what people are saying about looking after yourself, I think it takes two to tango and it's not fair if the only person having to be concerned about their looks is the woman.

I too have reduced my self care over my 15 year relationship and I guess, if I were a man, I'd rather my partner have smooth legs. So we I fancy sex (which isn't weekly - weekly sex is pretty frequent in my book) I do try to have a shower, shave, wear nice PJ's in the lead up.

Unfortunately, some men are very visual and if he prefers size 8, I'm not sure what the answer is. I guess he needs to adjust his expectations, he's lucky enough to be with someone 14 years younger, size 8 isn't achievable for most 30+ year olds. Had he always preferred the "younger" look?

100% this ^^ at 50 he needs to be looking after his weight and diet,
yes low testosterone might be an issue, but it’s more likely he needs to drop a few pounds and exercise more to get some energy back

Thanks for the replies @WhichIsItWendy and @myNewName21, to be fair to him, he says I'm perfect as I am and that he loves my shape/size. I have just noticed myself that he prefers me slimmer and slim women in general. He has never said I should lose weight/ make more effort etc. His ex partners were older than him, so I don't think it's an age thing. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on.

You are right though, he has put on a bit of weight and he does exercise to be fair to him. But the only exercise he does is lifting heavy weights. He doesn't do cardio. I actually like his shape/size, but I do think reducing his weight, and improving his cardiovascular fitness, would help his overall health.

I don't think it should be on the women to change, it just happens to be that I am the woman and I'm the one who has noticed (things in the relationship, and things in myself) I would like to be different. So I would like to start with what's in my control rather than nagging him that we're not having enough sex, and he needs to lose weight and go to the doctor etc. I think that would be cruel.

But I do agree that there are things we could both do and it shouldn't be all on me. And I do appreciate the suggestions. I need to figure out how to broach the "him" things sensitively, while also working on what's in my locus of control.

I don't think it should be on the women to change, it just happens to be that I am the woman and I'm the one who has noticed (things in the relationship, and things in myself) I would like to be different.

Just be careful that you don't internalise issues. Yes, your sex life isn't as active as you'd like, but you shouldn't jump to losing weight and it being about him not finding you attractive. You may be absolutely right, he may prefer very slim ladies, but that's on him, not you. You are who you are and as you age further you're likely to put on more weight and your body proportions will likely change. It's not on you to stay a size 8 to get a healthy and fulfilling sex life.

I'm sure he's noticed your sex life is less and that you want more. His response is to do as he pleases (reduce frequency of sex). He doesn't seem to be doing anything to increase it, despite you wanting more. Yet you're considering your weight, your body hair, his health and more to resolve the issue.

You need to talk to him and you both need to work on achieving a sex life you're both happy with. It isn't just on you.