Differing sexdrives

[fassbender]

My husband and I have been married for 18 years, three of which we had a trial separation then got back together.

He asks me every night for sex and gets stroppy if we don't have it every 2nd day at least. I recently had a uti which meant over a week without and he was not pleased.

Me? Twice a week would be fine and not being asked every night. It is complicated by the fact that I have had Multiple Sclerosis for 30 years and have mobility difficulties and fatigue.

I want the closeness but think that there are ways to do that without sex.
But this is a major issue for us

He sounds pretty unpleasant, there are plenty of ways to have intimacy without sex. I would be frank and tell him if the sulking for sex continued then you’d end the marriage, that would massively turn me off if my husband started sulking.

Dear god, if I was in the position to have good sex twice a week, I'd be jumping for joy. Men can be selfish, especially as you've recently had a UTI to deal with. There's wanting regular sex, then there's being a pest.

That seems crazy OP, I would think once or twice a week in your situation is much more normal.

I think you need to have a chat and schedule it so he isn't constantly annoying you and then being dramatic about rejection.

Thanks all, your responses have confirmed my thoughts. It feels just like something else I need to deal with which I can do without obviously!

It’s difficult to discuss isn’t it? I guess collaborative problem solving is the way forward, if you can both avoid getting defensive.
I have the same but opposite problem as I would like more sex but am now scared to ask if it’s likely and he’s scared to reject me so we don’t talk about it and it goes round in circles.
NB Once a week would be an improvement for me! If you need stats on what the average is to prove you’re not being unreasonable, I’m sure there’s plenty of threads on here. Nobody NEEDS to have sex everyday, it’s just a preference.

Your husband becoming stroppy if you turn him down for sex is a sign of coersive behaviour.
He was "not pleased" when you had a UTI??
This man is putting his desires above yours. It sounds like you already are starting to view sex as a chore (and i can understand why). What a huge turn off.
If things carry on like this your resentment will build towards him you'll want sex even less and things could spiral down from there.
However awkward it might be you need to speak to your husband - tell him how being pestered make sou feel. Explain that the stroppy behaviour is a massive turn off and if he continues it will lead to him having no sex atall.

Someone not being 'pleased' about their partner having an infection would be a huge red flag for me.

But it also needs to be acknowledged that different sex drives is a huge issue in a couple, which can lead to a breakup, and that someone shouldn't apologise or feel they are 'wrong' just because they have a different sex drive, whether higher or lower.

It is telling that on this forum there tend to be rather different reactions depending on whether it's the man or the woman who has the higher sex drive...

You have been married for 18 years; has it always been like this? Or have you always had different drives but the difference has become greater recently? How have you handled it these 18 years?

To be honest it hasn't always been like this, As my health has worsened, my sex drive has definitely lowered. But that doesn't mean that I can't get into the mood, it means that I have more tiredness and the energy that I do have sometimes has to go into something other than sex! Whereas in the past I could do both, if you see what I mean.

We have had a talk and are getting on better – I did talk to him about my UTIs, saying that I obviously can't help them and that it upsets me when he reacts as he did. He seems to have accepted that and the pestering seems to have lessened a lot, so hopefully that will continue!

@fassbender Well done for discussing it and keep the communication going, it sounds like he hasn't figured out how much things have changed with you and is being rather thoughtless. I'm not saying it's intentional it might just be part of him is still where it was before and he hasn't yet joined the dots.

Have you shared with him that you still enjoy sex (and with him) but because of your situation it's harder to be able to do everything you wanted to before and sometimes that means hard choices have to be made? It might be that if he is feeling rejected and a bit thoughtless once he understands your situation properly and has caught up with the new relationship dynamic he might relax and things can begin a new rhythm.

Good luck and report back!

JFC the OP has multiple sclerosis. I'm sure her husband has realised by now - as she's had it for 30 years! How much more talking should she need to do?

It might be that if he is feeling rejected.............

OP has MS. And frequent UTIs.

Some men need to learn that no means no. The OP's husband must know about her health conditions, too.

Hi all, yes I have had ms for thirty years though it is only in the last 10 that it has majorly affected my mobility/tiredness. We have been together for 20 years (I was diagnosed as a teen).

Things are still going ok since we've had a proper talk about it and he seems much more considerate.