TW: I just had a horrible sexual experience and I don't know what to do

[ahjeez]

I met up with a guy I'd been with years ago. It was fun, and up until close to the end I was having a good time, then I realised he was quite drunk and was falling asleep.

Anyway, earlier on, he'd put anal beads in me, and it hurt but he said that was normal. At the end of the night, I wanted to take them out and the pain was...unfathomable. I was crying and screaming trying to take them out. He did not take me seriously at all, and even said he wanted to film them being pulled out. I had to BEG him not to. He also said that I had to make myself cum to get them out and that he had a rule he (jokingly) didn't help with taking them out. After much pleading, he did help me get them out, but I keep very shaken and...violated. He knew I'd never used them before and used a set that were enormous.

I don't know what to do, other than never see him again obviously. We connected again over a dating app. Should I report him? I feel so, so stupid and so fucking upset.

Sorry, maybe this is nothing and I'm overreacting. I also just need to vent.

Well I'm very glad they're out! I hope you have no further consequences from this.

You said it was fun and obviously you consented to him putting the beads in. So, what I would do in your situation is learn a painful lesson that 'going along with' sexual ideas that you haven't tried before with someone you don't know and haven't built a relationship of trust and rapport and communication with is not a good idea.

If you feel that any aspect of what he did to you was forced or unwanted or you clearly said 'no' / 'stop', then report it. However, personally I'm not getting that from what you wrote.

I think if you're going to casually date men for sex, then make your own set of rules about what you do and don't enjoy and find acceptable.

Maybe learning boundaries and how to say 'no' very clearly and learning how to express, I'm not doing this, this is not OK, would help you more that filing a police report = it's probably been more of an unhappy learning experience than an actual crime. If you feel violated and need the police then you go for it.

Obv this person sounds pretty unpleasant and has somehow got you doing something you didn't enjoy so definitely block him and don't see him again.

If you feel that any aspect of what he did to you was forced or unwanted or you clearly said 'no' / 'stop', then report it. However, personally I'm not getting that from what you wrote.

I am getting that, screaming and crying in pain is the point he should have helped her remove the beads and checked she ok and not injured. Instead he chose to suggest recording her to the pint she had the beg him not to, and then suggest she masturbate and only helped her after much pleading. I'd say it's not the op who needs the lesson in boundaries.

She may have consented to trying something new but he didn't show any care or respect when she was suffering. I wouldn't treat any sexual partner like that, casual or otherwise. I'm sorry you were put in that position op. I can understand why you feel shaken up.

You're also not stupid OP.

Exactly - consent can be withdrawn at any time.

How the previous poster could not get the impression from the OP that she did not want to continue is beyond me.

I'm so sorry to read this OP, I hope you are doing ok this morning.

He is an absolute shit.

Of course you report this, this person is a danger to you and to other women.

Report it.

I’m so sorry

this is a horrible experience

and they happen . It’s unfortunately a risk with casual sex . meeting callous nasty men
its happened to me , but this anal trend is really fucking something else 😡

look after yourself
by that I mean really look after yourself
speak to whoever you can to process this

sleep , stay off apps , exercise
if it shakes you up , let it shake you up if that makes sense

and I think it’s really good you were able to speak of it

It's not a matter of not wanting to continue if the beads were already in there is it?

It's a matter of probably call 111 and see if the paramedics will assist because the dude is a piece of shit.

I would suggest OP contacts her local sexual health clinic to see if there's some form of counselling.

Thanks all for your responses.

I have sent a report in on the app and messaged him saying how uncomfortable and unsafe I felt.

I am thankfully doing better today, hung out with friends and had a giggly, silly day. Good to be reminded that I'm so lucky to have such caring, lovely friends!

It was a horrific experience and hoping I can do what I can to prevent any other women experiencing that!

It's not a matter of not wanting to continue if the beads were already in there is it? That's exactly what the matter is though. It's the part that's left op feeling shaken up and violated and what's made her feel like she should report him.

You first reply to her said she should report him if any aspect of what he did was forced, unwanted or she'd clearly said no. But that you personally didn't get that from what she wrote and you also told her she should learn how to say no very clearly and how to express I'm not ok.

It came across as minimising OPs assault, like she could have done something to stop him degrading her, she'd had previous experience with him and could have reasonably trusted him based on her previous encounters with him, a look at the relationship board shows there's men who ignore their partners safety and consent in long term relationships too.

It's a matter of probably call 111 and see if the paramedics will assist because the dude is a piece of shit.

It's not an either or scenario, she could get medical help, counselling AND report him for sexual assault.

He’s an absolute creep but where was the assault? While they may have hurt it appears to have all been accepted up until the point of removal at which point he appeared to disengage physically by not helping at all and acting like a creep instead. Definitely not someone to see again tho

Not minimising anything just believe me you, if anyone's thinking of getting the joke of a police farce involved in something then it really should be a bit more solid IMO. JMO.

I've been drugged and abducted and raped by a group of men. I've been overdosed and raped.
I've been battered and raped.
I've been snatched off the street, stuffed into a car and raped and kicked out on a motorway flyover.
I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse by multiple people.
You think I don't know what fkn rape is?

Didn't bother reporting any of above to police because believe me you in those days it wasn't worth it.

Nowadays it is ever so slightly more worth it but the police will do nothing with a report like this. It's hard to find the crime. The OP herself has not stated any crime that I can see described. If the OP believes a crime has taken place she would be best served paying for a one off consultation with a criminal lawyer who specialises in sexual offences and can pin point the bits of criminal law that are pertinent, then ask the police to enforce them. That would be the most productive thing to do, if there is any evidence. If there is no evidence then that would also be a waste of time and money.

You want to spent several hours discussing this with the useless filth then waste half your life and get a whole load of shitty notes written up about yourself that you will never see but sit in the background next to your name and DOB, go for it. Probably along the lines of 'alleges' x, y, z but no evidence. That comes up for the rest of your life in the background and next time you 'allege' something it'll be there on the system making it look like you've got a lot of 'allegations'.

At a reach there could be something like 'failing to assist an injured person' or 'failing to call emergency services when someone is injured'. I don't think that's an actual crime but if so it would be in that region.

I’m so sorry all that happened to you @LittleMissSunshiner

Unfortunately a solicitor wouldn’t pursue a case without it being first reported to the police as they’ll need the reference number. I’ve had recent dealings with the police and whilst there’s little they can do, I did feel believed, listened to and taken seriously.

This is sexual coercion and battery. Consent can be withdrawn at any time. Her boundaries have been undermined when she was at her most vulnerable, if she wants to she should report it.

@LittleMissSunshiner

Genuinely I'm sorry for what happened to you. I mean that with all the kindness in the world and I'm sorry if what I said upset you.

I've also been the victim of csa and rape and one of the reasons I didn't report was fear of people not believing me and telling me I didn't say no.

That did happen when I eventually told my family as an adult. I was told it didn't sound like Id been clear in saying no and it's those words that stopped me reporting or seeking help because I then blamed myself. That's why your initial reply sounded like you were minimising to me.

It's taken decades for me to realise I did nothing wrong and that's why I replied to you the way I did.

I also know all about being let down by the systems that are supposed to help us. I've got a very close family member being let down after years of sexual abuse from her spouse and it's heartbreaking and anger inducing. The system is a joke and I have little faith in the police too, but maybe, just maybe, a visit from the police may give this bloke pause for thought in how he behaves with women in future.

I don't want to upset you further so I'll stop engaging with you and I'll apologise again for upsetting you and wish you the best.

Sorry this happened to you, it sounds absolutely horrendous. I think everyone agrees in the replies that he did a terrible and despicable thing and he is the lowest of the low. I think the only disagreement is to the criminality of his actions - not the morality of his actions.

Im glad you’re feeling better, if you feel the need to speak further then a local rape and sexual assault service would be a good place to start.

Hope you're feeling much better OP

also moving forward (and I can't believe no one has even mentioned this) but why on earth is anyone engaging in sexual play with objects that don't belong to you, how can you be sure they are clean and not been used in or on someone else before being used/inserted in to you!

Well done for reporting him OP. I’m glad you’re feeling better and have good friends for support.

I’m so sorry this happened to you op. It’s terrifying to be naked and intimate with someone who has complete disregard for your safety, and dignity and is getting off on your pain and humiliation. In those moments you don’t exist as an actual person to him- just as a means to his own sexual gratification. And that is an incredibly dangerous situation to be in. Don’t minimise this - seek out counselling to safely disentangle this, if you can.

We’re living in a weird time when you’d be safer engaging in hardcore bdsm play these days than risking casual sex with these porn addled arseholes.

In fact, I’d strongly suggest that you take time to look at the expectations people in those communities have around consent and communication and educate yourself about different sex toys and practices. If something is unfamiliar say no until you know enough to make an informed decision.

The parameters of sex have changed dramatically in the last twenty years and women aren’t being educated to engage safely. We don’t have a cultural blueprint that prioritises our safety - the old patriarchal paradigm has been rejected and there’s an insidious pressure to be cool, adventurous and sexually experimental. And for men, extreme practices are normalised. It’s just bloody dangerous.