Sexless relationship. How do you get back into it?

[Hammockintherain]

For over a year my partner and I haven’t had sex. The last time was in fact when we conceived our baby. Prior to this he had hang ups about sex, he had performance anxiety and it took a lot of work for him to learn how to make me orgasm, he felt like it was a lot of work and slowly over time he lost interest. During a good period we’d only have sex once a week.
I now feel very unwanted and undesirable that sex has gone completely. Your partner should want sex with you and see you as attractive. I don’t expect us to be ripping our clothes off every day, but his lack of physical affection really hurts when he knows it’s so important to me in a relationship.
The more time has gone I’ve felt like we can never get the sex back. I initiate and get knocked back which destroys my confidence further. He suggests well have sex at a certain day or time, but will conveniently be asleep or busy. Now he doesn’t even bother suggesting as he knows he has no intention of following through. If I offered a bj he’d be all for it though. Not that he’d reciprocate or want sex after, he’s a one and done man.

I now feel awkward, the thought of us having sex again makes me feel quite embarrassed. I’ve forgotten how to have sex. I wouldn’t know where to look or put my hands. Silly things but with my confidence ruined and a partner who doesn’t want me, I’m embarrassed and hate to admit I’ve become sex shy.
Im convinced he masturbates regularly, it isn’t a health issue. He denies porn or lusting for someone else. I ask him why he doesn’t want sex with me and his reply is : I do. No explanation further than that or how we can become intimate again.
He knows how I feel and that it’s making me depressed, I told him a relationship doesn’t work without sex and he breaks down in tears because he doesn’t know what to do. I then feel guilty for battering his ego and making myself appear as sex mad and not caring for his mental health. We continue quietly for another couple of months until I raise the subject again that I need sex and he’s still not trying anything.
im just so sick of it now. We’re early 30s so we’re not even old.
Part of me wants to end it and pursue someone else for sex, but we have a baby to consider and I can’t break up our family for sex. He is great in all other aspects and I know it’s impossible to find a man who is everything you want. I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I want a partner who is attracted to me and makes me feel sexy and wanted, I feel like a frumpy mum and housemaid. I then wonder if we did begin having sex again would it be underwhelming and crap because we’ll be completely vanilla with minimal effort. I probably wont enjoy it and that would spell the end of us anyway, crap sex is as bad as no sex imo.
So, for those who were in this position how did you get your sex life back?
Is there anything I can attempt one last time to get us where we need to be before I call it a day?
Sexy undies doesn’t work for him, I could walk past naked or in lingerie and he wouldn’t notice. He won’t drink alcohol. Sex scenes on tv make him embarrassed. Dirty talk or sexting is a big no no. I’ve got a vibrator but I have to use it secretly as he hates sex toys and doesn’t want me to have one. help!

@Hammockintherain Sorry not to be optimistic for you, but you have tried several things.
Toys
You have talked to him
Lingerie
Not much else you can try is there? Be realistic. This man has let you down, HE has failed you.

Are you sure you want to be with him even if he did perform?
You should start making plans to go out more without him and build a social life with women. Then see where it leads, you might meet a man, you might meet several men you could have one or two FWBs You might meet a woman you fancy.

Hm. Performance anxiety is not really an issue if there is a will to have sex. It can be overcome.
Don't worry you forgot how to have sex - it's the most natural thing, like eating and sleeping, you'll get back into it in no time. I had a very dry spell for years and even though the first time with a new person was terrifying it really was nothing to worry about. Your body remembers ;)
However from your description I agree with the previous poster, it doesn't really seem like he even wants to try so the problem will persist until you'll give up eventually (and your MH will take a toll in the process) or meet someone accidentally and will have an affair.
What makes a couple couple is sex - this is the glue to the relationship. Yes, sex is not everything, but it's very difficult to have a relationship without sex unless both people are OK with it.
I would make plans to leave. Do it early, while your child is still young and it won't affect them that much.

You need to talk. Also get a copy of any of David Schnarchs books, Intimacy and Desire is amazing!!

A committed relationship is a two way thing and if he is struggling to talk you need to find a way to encourage him. I'm not saying you need to do all the work here but you are a team, life and family and work take a toll and it just takes both of you to walk back up the hill together.

You will get there!!

Counselling?

You are too young to be in a sexless marriage.

But you can't fix it on your own.

Do you still have a social life together?
You do need interaction outside of the mundane and work, The idea of it is it gives you more that is interesting and sets up the possibility of new friendships and getting a fresh point of view on life in general.

It sounds like he has a lot of issues around his attitude to sex and unless he is prepared to work on those it's very difficult for you to move forward. He really needs to be prepared to open up and talk to you - or a counsellor - about it all. It seems like he sees sex as a shameful thing and something dirty - where has that attitude come from?

Does he feel he is no good at sex because it takes him a long time to make you orgasm? It might be that he has very low self esteem and he feels he's just no good at it. My suggestion was going to be that he use a vibrator on you - but what's his problem with vibrators? There's no way i'd be sneaking around pretending that I didn't have one!

I think you need to start by trying to get to the bottom of it all and what happened to him to give him this attitude to sex. The more you can talk about sex, the more comfortable it starts to feel. Next step - tell him you have a vibrator. He needs to be able to cope with that! One he's come to terms with that if he's always up for a blowjob you could then suggest he uses the vibrator on you while you give him a blowjob - or if that's too much that you use it on yourself.

There's only so much you can do though and he has to be prepared to meet you half way.

I’m also in a sexless marriage and early 30s. It just becomes quite soul destroying. Sorry to not have any helpful tips (I’ve tried everything and not had any positive effect) but I can say that trying everything and waiting and hoping something will change just causes so much resentment. I’m stuck as I also have young children but can’t see a way to ever get a real relationship without leaving…

Sexless marriages are absolutely soul-destroying (unless you are both happy with that dynamic).

Whilst everyone has peaks & troughs in their sex lives, to be sexless is another thing.

I stayed far too long in one - a combination of having young kids, no family support, too much of a struggle financially to leave when they were young.

It just lead to resentment & ultimately the demise of our relationship.

I then had some time on my own before meeting someone in my 50's & now have a good sex life.

I really regret staying so long.

Honestly? I’d look for a FWB in the short term. And also use the time to weigh up whether you want to be with him. Be direct and clear that unless he makes steps to address the issues you will leave.

You wouldn't advise that if the sexes were reversed, why is it OK for a woman to cheat?

Yes I absolutely would. It’s not fair to expect your partner to stay in a sexless marriage - male or female.

I agree with you, actually :)