How to arrange unusual situation

[InstantKarnage]

For health reasons I haven’t been able to have sex for about a year and it’s unlikely to change for a while. DH has been nothing but supportive and understanding. But I know he is missing it terribly as we were previously very sexual and open about our needs, and I can just tell he’s frustrated at times.

I don’t want him to have to be celibate because of me (but I know he will choose to be, I am certain). I can’t even face providing pleasure in other ways (and he doesn’t ask for it).

I jokingly suggested that he should find a lover for the weekends and he side eyed me something rotten! He will not go looking for it, even though he wouldn’t have too many problems arranging it I think - he’s mid 40s, good looking and fit (I think so anyway!).

I would like to provide him with some opportunity to have sex at least occasionally, but how do I arrange this? Tinder etc would freak him out as it is essentially public and he would absolutely not go for that. Do I approach single friends? Put an ad in the paper/online classifieds? Hire a sex worker to come to the house? I think if it was arranged and he was in the situation he would go for it, knowing I approved. Any suggestions on how to arrange this situation? What service do I need and where do I get it!! Thanks in advance.

I think if you're happy to have an open relationship then leave it up to him to join fabswingers or something?

Don't approach single friends that would be weird and obviously too close to home.

I'm sorry you've endured a tough time physically by the sounds of it, but just because intercourse isn't possible there really are lots of other ways to maintain some intimacy. I think sending him off alone to find some fun may cause problems Tbh.

Dont hire a sex worker. It may be the most transactional from an emotional perspective but renting someone’s body by the hour?
No half decent bloke would even countenance such a thing.
If you wish let him know you are ok with him seeing someone else and then its up to him to seek out his own supper!!

@Janiie honestly any intimacy isn’t possible at the moment - mentally I am a million miles from there. I know what you’re saying about it causing problems if he finds fun elsewhere - but I just hate the thought of removing that part of his life because of me.

@Wherearemymarbles yeah you’re right of course - I’m just trying to find some solution to this - but it should be ethical at least. The sex worker, it was just a throwaway comment, and is not the ideal situation.

I'm confused here. He doesn't sound keen from how you described his response so why are you trying to arrange/convince him otherwise?

You are also struggling with your mental health. Do you feel that him having sex with another woman will help this now or in the future?

@PizzaPastaWine he’s not keen to find a lover and cheat on me, that’s true. But I know that he misses sex and I don’t want him to have to close that off for himself.

Our situation was similar in the beginning, PND seems to have set off a lot of things and I had no libido or interest in sex for a few years. We said it would be ok if he wanted to, though he didn't he just knew he had permission. In the end we've both done this, with separate poly relationships.

I dated a guy whose wife set up his profile on OkCupid, and I kind of found it a bit strange and I guess infantile that he didn't do it himself (there's no way I'll arrange my DH's lovelife, he can sort it himself 😂), though one of my partners set up his primary partner's account because she didn't want to do the admin of incoming DMs so it does seem to happen a bit. But best to at least do it together, and work out any boundaries and rules (but debrief after meets, as for a while at least this will change).

For sex, you're looking at Fab Swingers, Feeld and OkCupid. Hinge, Bumble and Tinder are very mononormative, I tend to get mostly abuse on there and have only found one date.

I don't understand why you are trying to organise a sexual liaison when he's already stated that he wouldn't want it.
I think it's thoughtful to give him permission, but completely wrong to force him into it.

What does HE want OP?

If you believe he isn't going to go looking for sex OP, why on earth do you think setting him up with someone will work?

And what woman, besides one you've paid, is likely to want to have sex with a man where she's only had contact with his wife?

I cannot understand your thinking. Giving permission, yes. Setting up a scenario for him with a stranger...what?

Listen to your husband and act on what he says, not on what you think he wants or needs.

There’s been a lot of posts here recently, creeping into the relationship board too, that seem to want to set a narrative that people should be willing to let their partners have sex elsewhere if they can't manage it. 🤔

You’re ill, it sounds like it will be a temporary thing, he doesn’t seem keen. He’ll cope. Talk to him, stay close.

Long term relationships often naturally have ‘highs and lows’ for the amount of sex had, lows due to factors like stress, children, illness etc. My opinion is getting through those times together without looking elsewhere is part of what differentiates your marriage/LTR from something more casual.

In my relationship, neither of us would look elsewhere. We’re a team, we get through any more difficult times together and that knowledge that we’ve come through it, just is, has made us so much stronger.

Everyone is different but as your husband doesn’t seem the type to want to go there, leave him alone. Keep talking though, acknowledge it as something your bad health has taken away at the moment.

I'd be very very careful op. In theory/fantasy land it sounds like he'd have the occasional couple of hours out the house to have sex with someone then come back to you and he'll be happy and you won't feel the pressure anymore etc. however, the reality of these set ups often cause the destruction of relationships. What if he falls for someone? It's very easy to develop feelings when having a sexual relationship with someone. How would you feel knowing you've actively encouraged him seeking it out? He doesn't seem that bothered, just stop. If he approaches you at a later date then you can discuss it again but I really don't understand why you're pushing for it at this stage.

Just give the permission, explain that you don't want him to miss out, but he might not want to do anything about the situation at all. Your desire comes from a place of understanding and maturity, which is commendable, but It might be that he's happy as things are. He might want to see you get better and feel happier, first, and Isn't focused on his sexual needs right now.

This is dangerous territory and the road to hell is paved with good intentions. How would you feel if he falls for someone as a result of this set up? If you’re serious about this then as a pp said, grant the permission and look the other way. I couldn’t do it personally, especially if he had said to me that he was OK and would wait for me. You’ve got a health condition OP, that’s not your fault, you haven’t decided to never have sex with him again. He’s probably worried about you and you’re pushing him into the arms of another woman.

Why do you feel a pressure for him to have sex? You’re not having sex either. This happens sometimes in committed relationships when illness or other things strike.

I agree with @GuiltyStranger I have seen a big push on here to allow your long term partner/spouses to have sex elsewhere in this situation, I’ve read about 5 threads on this subject in the last week. 🤔 It doesn’t reflect my real life experiences where friends have weathered the storm together and come through stronger.

One of my closest friends had cancer and her husband was completely focused on her wellbeing from her mental health to her diet. Of course he missed the intimacy, as did my friend, but it would have been the last thing on his mind.

I agree with what GuiltyStranger says. There is this pervasive idea that it's natural to have purely transactional sex and / or that feelings are a nuisance to be got out of the way, rather than a natural part of oneself. He doesn't want this. He's said so. There's no reason to look behind that. Contrary to what dgconsultant says, pushing the matter even though he's made his view clear doesn't show understanding maturity at all: it actually shows you're at risk of bullshitting yourself.

Good Heavens, I can't do right for doing wrong here. My post clearly stated that maybe the husband will be more concerned by her wellfair rather than worrying about having transactional, meaningless sex with a stranger. That's my "view". OP is only being mature to have the conversation with the partner. Not many a decent husband would want to have sex with a stranger when his wife is seriously ill/suffering from mental illness.