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How to be open to having sex again?

4 replies

Lafoosa · 13/11/2023 20:46

A bit of backstory. I got with my ex and father of my children when I was 15, so he was the first person I ever slept with.
I should've left him when I was still a teenager, but I didn't because I couldn't cope with upsetting people.
Anyway, as our relationship went on he became incredibly sexually coercive. If I didn't have sex with him whenever he wanted he'd get angry, throw things, shout at me, refuse to help with housework or children and then tell me he can't help with any of those things because me not having sex with him 2+ times a week makes him depressed. So then every time I had sex with him it was to keep him mood in check, or because I needed his help and he couldn't be bothered to give it unless we had sex.
It got to the point where I told him unless I'm the one initiating don't touch me, don't ever wake me up for sex, don't even suggest it because if I'm not suggesting it I don't want it. And I had to say that because we couldn't even kiss hello, goodbye or just for the sake of it without him trying to stick his tongue down my throat and grab my arse. So I stopped kissing him, stopped hugging him because absolutely any physical contact he'd turn into something sexual and I told him I didn't like it and I wanted none sexual contact too but he didn't care.
Anyway right before I left him I'd told him I didn't want sex anymore, I had no sex drive (which was true because I was pretty much already a single mum to 3 under 4).
And one night I woke up to him touching me, I pretended to stay asleep, didn't move, didn't breathe because I thought he'd stop if I didn't react or move. He didn't stop so I pushed him away. I was horrified and didn't speak to him about it at all until after I'd already left him. At which point he kept claiming he thought I was awake because I reacted to him and moved my body suggestively, whatever that even means when you're asleep?!

After him I had sex with one other guy, but I wasn't really into it and only did it because I didn't have the balls to say no. A mistake I'll never be making again. Anyway that guy didn't know what he was doing and it hurt so much I was in pain for 3 days after.

That was in April, I've not even wanted to have sex since then. But I have a few dates arranged with a man I've been talking to for a few months and while I'm not planning on anything physical on any of those. If it ever did go further than just a date I don't know how to emotionally prepare myself to sleep with someone. The thought fills me with dread, and it's not that I don't want to have good sex with someone because I do but I kind of feel like there's now this huge wall up with me being able to be that vulnerable with someone. And I know sex can just be casual, but that's not really me. Kudos to those who have the confidence for that, but I don't think I'd be able to unless I already really like someone. And right now even that wouldn't be enough, how do I get over this? I feel so silly that it's become such a big deal.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 13/11/2023 21:10

Time. You're not ready. You'll know when you are.

Ianz · 13/11/2023 21:15

I don't think you're silly at all. You just formed an unhealthy relationship with sex and possibly it triggers some of you past experiences. I think you should perhaps have some counselling and open up about this whole thing. Like you said you've learned from your mistake so never agree to something you don't want to. If the guy doesn't respect your decision and he's pushy then you know what to do! But as the pp said. Time will heal and you will know when you're ready.

JoanMacIntosh · 13/11/2023 21:36

Oh sweetheart, this is really sad, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this.

I totally agree with the pps, you need time and therapy. You’ll get there and by the sounds of it you’re young enough to start again.

You’ll need to learn to advocate for yourself in the first instance, and how to spot red flags which are usually visible way before you get into bed with someone. You’ll get there x

Overtherainbow77 · 14/11/2023 10:44

Your ex sounds dreadful and it sounds like he’s knocked your confidence somewhat. With the new guy I would just say you want to take things slowly and remove the pressure from yourself. If he’s not ok with that then he’s not right for you.

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