Kink vs vanilla

[Isanyonereallyanonymous]

Sorry, crappy title.
I wouldn’t say I’m massively vanilla, happy with Al fresco sex, using toys, different positions, handcuffs etc. But nothing more than that.
Met a guy via OLD over summer.
He told me he’s into BDSM but virtually over chat sites. He says he counts it as cheating so doesn’t do it when he’s in a relationship.
He’s initiated toys/cuffs etc in the bedroom and he can be quite rough. I’ve explained anything more than that isn’t my thing and asked if he’s ok with that, which he’s said he is.
Obviously I’ve gone away and googled/read threads here as it’s not something I know much about and all I really feel is that it’s not likely to be enough for him if that’s what he’s into.
Can anyone who is more into kink give any insight/experience as to his side of things? Is this likely to become an issue?

Edit so as not to drip feed - he does have the Kik app installed on his phone which I understand may be related (I wasn’t snooping, he’s very open with his phone and I was using it with his permission the other day to Google something and noticed the app then)

It's more than likely that it will become an issue ! BDSM it's not just a kink it's a lifestyle. Of course at the beginning he can try and rein it in it or control it but it will always feel like there's something missing which of course would lead to him engaging with other people to get his kick, watching porn etc etc. There are so many threads on this site only that shows that as to how some partners are struggling. As of kik, I personally find it as a very dodgy app that's for one thing only.

For some people BDSM is a lifestyle.
For some people BDSM is fun to play at from time to time.
The only way you're going to find out where he is on that spectrum is by talking to him or having a relationship with him.

IME people who are comfortable with BDSM are more open and honest about sex than people who aren't, and if they have any significant experience, they understand and respect boundaries a lot more than "vanilla" people.

As he says he doesn't do BDSM while in a relationship as he considers it cheating, is it that he pays to see a pro? I am very into BDSM and other kinks, and although I would never want anyone to do something they didn't want to I am happy to just have a vanilla relationship with someone because I have other partners who can give me the satisfaction that I need from BDSM. If you're monogamous and don't have a kink relationship but he needs it, I think it would be a barrier over time as I've seen that happen with others.

The majority of people in the kink community are poly too, so although many may have a monogamous romantic or emotional relationship, it's rare to find people who don't do kink play with others, so it could be that he means if he did kink with others in the scene it would be a form of cheating for him. I think you probably both need to lay out what you would want from the relationship to make you happy. My sadist dom wants to be monogamous and he currently only plays with me when he's not dating someone, but I think that he would like to do more but he has a feeling it doesn't work with a monogamous dating relationship.

If he goes to events on the scene you could see about going to something with him, to get an idea of what excites him, as you might find there's something there for you too.

I can't comment on the BDSM question, but I can on Kik.

Kik is an app favoured by people using online chat/cam sites. Once you strike a connection with someone on the website, Kik is a good way to continue to engage with them outside the app, as it's essentially WhatsApp, but without having to give your phone number away.

I think he will go further than you'd like.

Most people I know who use Kik it's to be able to message without giving your number, there's not always a sex connection but there is often. I joined but left as I just got spammed with accounts wanting to sell me porn, and it was my teenager who saw the icon on my phone and said it was known for sex 🙊 kind of like Snapchat really, if men want me to add them on there it's generally so they can send me dick pics, which hopefully isn't the way young people use it

BDSM is a very broad term for a whole variety of kinks. I'd be suspicious of any guy who said he was "into BDSM" as it shows a lack of understanding. You need to ask him for more details about what he's into. Does he enjoy being dominant? Is he a sadist? Can he explain what consent means? How to negotiate a scene? R.A.C.K? Hard and soft limits? Safe words? Aftercare? If he doesn't understand these terms, I'd run a mile.

I don't believe he only gets his BDSM fix from online chats. He's already shown you that he likes to be rough in the bedroom and use restraints.

Most people in the lifestyle are very transparent and happy to talk openly with partners about this stuff. They will also respect boundaries and limits because they understand the importance of trust.

My worry is that you've landed yourself a wannabe Christian Grey...

Thankyou everyone.
This has made for interesting reading and backs up what I already suspected. I’ll try to address various points that have been raised but apologies to not reply to individuals.

The way he described it was partly wanting to help people/pleasure people and partly he likes the mental aspect of it, being in control/it being like a puzzle/game.
I haven’t seen any hints whatsoever of any kind of mind games/control tendencies etc in the relationship (and I’m sensitive to those after a DV relationship and one where I was gaslit)
He said he’s happy to both play the part of sub or dom which is apparently quite unusual?
He actually seemed a bit freaked out/unsettled after the night where we played a little more. (Although I know he did that sort of thing with his long term ex. Not sure how it ties in with his initial thing of only doing it online)
He seems set on a monogamous relationship.
Luckily conversation between us is quite easy and we do talk about all sorts of things so I’m comfortable raising this. I’d rather cover it now before we get too far down the line and I’m too invested- actually, it’s making me hold back at the moment anyway as I feel a bit cautious about it all.
I’m going to have a chat with him next time I see him, if there’s any questions I should be asking/info I should be trying to get to understand his viewpoint etc please feel free to add them.