I only like receiving sexual pleasure

[Heaet1135]

I’m female in my 30s in a long term relationship with a man the same age. We have hit a rough patch where he has said his sexual needs aren’t being met. We don’t live together but have sex about twice a week. At the start of the relationship we did some dressing up, role plays, anal plugs but to be honest I have been exhausted and for the last year have been very happy to just do the same position which works for us both and then roll over and sleep.
My boyfriend has been nagging me to peg him and apparently needs to experience this. To the extent that he would throw away our otherwise perfect relationship where we are planning to move in and marry and have kids.
In the course of the discussion I realised that I do not get aroused by giving pleasure. He’s right that our sex life basically involves him touching me/ giving me oral and then PIV. I don’t particularly enjoy touching his penis and I definitely don’t get aroused by it. I find him attractive and love cuddles but to be honest if I never had sex again I wouldn’t care. I just don’t have a drive or a ‘need’ for sex.
when he talks about something he ‘needs’ I get so irritated- I just can’t understand the idea of needing sex. To me it sounds ridiculous, like ‘needing’ to eat chocolate or go skiing. You’re not going to die without it.
its causing tension and we are going to couples therapy but I think we are going to have to split as he says he wants me to want to do things to him. I can do the acts he needs and act enthusiastic but it’s not genuine. I have no desire to touch his anus particularly- I just see it as a hole for poo. But I love him dearly and want him as a life partner and father to my children.

any advice on how to learn to enjoy giving sexual pleasure?

I can sound a bit like a broken record in my advice, but would you consider an open relationship? We initially discussed when I was asexual and we knew that I wasn't interested in sex and he wasn't being satisfied. He likes to be submissive, scratched etc which isn't something I'm keen on doing so he does that with other partners. I feel like you shouldn't have to do anything that you don't want to, I had been doing that when I was asexual.

Brace yourself - DMs are coming…!

It’s unfair to keep someone in a relationship where their needs aren’t met, however you shouldn’t feel forced to do things you’re not comfortable with. Personally pegging a man whilst getting off on toys various sounds pretty good to me but it’s not for everyone.

He’s open minded and curious and sex is a two way street, it’s a pretty standard thing in a relationship to give and receive pleasure. Personally I couldn’t be in (and have recently ended) a relationship where I wasn’t receiving pleasure, despite my best efforts to keep XH satisfied he wasn’t interested in doing the same for me. It was hurtful and poured cold water on any desire I had left for him.

I would be reconsidering the relationship or looking at introducing a open/poly solution with his consent.

He's never going to change, if anything he's just going to keep asking for more and push his boundaries and explore his limits which is within his rights and that's what's going to make him and keep him happy. On the flip side as well, you're not going to change and you're going to do things you're not overly impressed, or happy with! You're talking about marriage and kids and life time, do you honestly think you can keep this up for another 30- 40 years ? I agree with pp, open the relationship or call it a day.

Agree with others , he is perfectly okay to ask for there things, and you are perfectly okay to say no,
not married, no kids, don’t live together, you should probably split and both of you could find more suitable partners

If I was going to loose the love of my life ( altogether or to a bit on the side), I'd probably try it once instead. That's just me. (Excluding extremely/unhygienic eg. eating poop)
Other women would say "no" and be happy with their decision and leave it at that.
I don't think you should split or send him rushing to the arms of another woman.

There seems to be two issues. He’s giving you all the pleasure which creates an uneven balance and will cause resentment.
If he is asking you to peg him or he will leave the relationship then this is coercion and not healthy. You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with and he’s within his rights to leave, if his sexual needs aren’t being met. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, marriage and kids are the last thing you need.

This isn’t fair on either

and I can’t see this
lasting and being suitable for kids if you are so not matched in this critical area

The problems when you have kids and are even less horny will be off the fucking scale sadly

I sounds to me like he wants to feel desired and not continually be the instigator or the dominant partner.
You need to have some good conversations especially before committing to being life partners and having a family because incompatibility can raise resentment and destroy relationships.

We had a long chat about things at the weekend and I realised that I have been neglecting him sexually and had just settled into a boring routine. I’ve been super stressed at work and realised that my pill is likely affecting my libido too. I made an effort to take charge in bed and found I really enjoyed myself. So I think we are back in business - I just need to make time to relax and not neglect the bedroom when I have work pressures.
thanks for the advice though

great news :)

🙄 zombies are out today it seems

Why do you want to marry and have kids either someone who is coercing you into sexual acts which you don’t want to do?
Realising the sex was a big one-sided is one thing, but a partner should never keep asking for something that the other partner doesn’t want to do. That’s coercive, and honestly is sexual abuse. You should never feel pressured to do something that you don’t want to do, manually, orally, vaginally or anally, on you or your partner.