ENM

[mnmnddddd]

There seem to be a few MNers who are ENM. I used to think I could do it, then decided I was probably too monogamous at heart, but recently I've been thinking maybe I could.

To those who've done it, (espeially those over 45) what makes someone suited to ENM.

(This is not an invitation for DM's)

I couldn't do it because I'm not good at sharing and it would make me feel insecure. So I imagine that you've got to be very secure in yourself and your relationship.

I thought I knew the abbreviations; ENM, meaning please?

Ethical Non Monogamy, is a wide and deep subject, where each person has multiple romantic and / or intimate relationships that are not exclusive and also consensual with others you have relationships with

Oh! just promiscuous sex then.

Top of my list would be communication. You have to express what you want, where your boundaries are, how you're feeling. Equally, the ability to listen to partners and understand their needs is vital. ENM isn't always easy and there are sometimes difficult conversations.

I think you have to be quite self-aware. To recognise your emotions and understand that it's ok to feel jealousy or insecurity, that it's just an emotion, that your thoughts aren't necessarily truths. Yes, she might be thinner/prettier/funnier but that doesn't make her "better" or lessen your qualities.

Trust is a huge part of ENM. Contrary to popular belief, it's not having your cake and eating it. I'm in a primary relationship with DP and we're always respectful of each others' wishes. If he wanted me to stop seeing someone, we'd discuss the reasons but ultimately I'd prioritise him.

Finally, organisation. It's hard to coordinate multiple diaries. To remember who you've watched that Netflix series with! Especially if your partners have partners.

I think people are naturally monogamous or not. Many people would struggle to share. But I also believe society has taught us that we should seek only one person to be our confidante, our lover, our co-parent, our best friend.... I don't buy that anymore. I'd prefer to meet new people with no expectation of what our relationship might be. They might become a really good friend, a casual acquaintance, a passionate lover, a life partner... it's nice to feel that I'm open to all those possibilities. That I can surround myself with people I love, like and respect without labels or restrictions.

Actually I would say promiscuous sex is easier as you don’t care about anything or anyone

ENM you have to think about the feelings and wants and emotions of lots of people at once

Not really as it's not always sex, two of my partners I do kink with but don't sleep with

We became open at 43 for me, 39 for him. We'd started the conversation 8 years earlier and along the way had given each other permissions to sleep with people when we were away at conferences (never acted upon though, but permission was there). We'd been together 15 years when we became open. I think we'd had most of the hypothetical and boundary talks before we actually did anything, so we were pretty prepared and didn't encounter some of the bad knocks that we see others too who jump in quicker without so much communication. We also had a massive amount of trust - I've never felt any jealousy of him being with others, but I have had jealousy with other partners where I don't know how important I am in their affections. Whatever happens, we plan to be each others' primary partners indefinitely.

At the time we started discussions, I was asexual and had no interest in sex of any kind. Not even to do with him, I didn't even find any celebrities attractive or anything. By the time we actually did it my libido had been back for a while, so although the initial idea was because he might want sex with someone else it then became what we both wanted by the time we actually did it. We only wanted to see people separately for sex - a lot of people seem to be couples who want sex with others but playing together, that wasn't something that appealed. As soon as we both had one separate meet we realised we weren't up for ONS or FWB and wanted to date others, and realised we were poly.

It's 2 1/2 years on now, he has two girlfriends and I have one boyfriend, a dom and a few other regular partners (either sex or kink or both). We're kitchen table poly for the most part, we all socialise together. The kids know our serious partners, as they realised we were lying about something and my son accused me of cheating so realised we should tell the truth. Unlike a lot of peoples' perceptions, it's not about the sex, for us it's the relationships. We're both demisexual, it takes a lot for us to get comfortable enough with someone for sex but I'm loving all the hugs (and the kink, the kink is more important to me than sex).

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Literally couldn't be further from the truth. Or more misinformed/judgmental

@PinotPony I too agree you're either mono or non-mono. Thinking back, I spent my twenties actively avoiding serious relationships as I didn't want to live with someone, share my life with them, compromise on my life. Meeting my DH changed that, but from the beginning we were different - he loved watching guys eye me up, or we'd talk about people we fancied. I'm also neurodiverse and queer, I think those two plus ENM are very common to go together as a broad open-mindedness.

Being mindful of your partners is so important, I stepped back from starting other relationships for a few months last year when my primary needed me to be around more due to his mental health, and I think everyone in the community is very aware and understanding of these things.

Also yes, the shared calendars and remembering what you've done with who! And I could write a sitcom one day of the things that have happened that only ENM people would understand.

Thanks. Food for thought.

I've been on a journey the last 18 months. In my 20s I was never interested in settling down with one person until my biological clock started ticking. And then I met my husband and, while I was married for years and faithful, I always knew my thinking was a bit different to others. So when my marriage ended last year, I decided to explore ENM.

I fell in love with a guy who made all the right noises but I soon discovered the idea of it horrified him, and he became abusive as he couldn't cope with it.

Because of the abuse, I went to therapy and discovered I probably have ADHD, which perhaps explains a lot about my life.

After licking my wounds for a while, I've now met another guy who is very open to ENM. He even introduced me to the poly Facebook group he's in. But his default position is don't ask don't tell and he knows that doesn't sit right with me and my idea of what being ethical means. So it's a work in progress and I don't know where it will go if anywhere but I'm happy to explore it.

Yes everyone is different in their approach to poly, I like to be kitchen table poly where all of my partners tend to know each other (the dinner parties and theatre trips are great!), but my primary's ex liked parallel where she didn't want her lives to intersect. Don't ask don't tell is something I feel strange about, probably as it puts me on edge that they're actually cheating (one certainly was I later found out, hence my paranoia), and it's not my style as I like to hang out in my partner's houses and be a part of their everyday life. Hopefully you'll find partners who have the outlook that you'd like, local poly groups are great to meet people and make friends (we have in-person meet-ups a couple of times a month in Nottingham) but if you're into kink there's a lot more social events on that side. I also found out I may have ADHD through other poly people, as it's really common to be ND and ENM. I've since been diagnosed with ADHD and autism.

ENM is about 80% communication and 20% sex 😄.

DH and I opened our marriage after about 15 years together. I don’t believe that one person needs to meet all your needs. But he is my anchor partner, who I choose to do ‘life’ with, and we both have other partners who we see separately.

It’s not always easy, and I think you have to have really good communication to make it work. I’ve found bits of it quite tough, but I have an excellent therapist and I’ve been on a huge self discovery journey throughout the process.