He went soft - what could this mean?

[Frailer93]

feeling VERY humiliated and upset right now so need to vent.

been with my dp for 8 years now, we are still young (late 20s). Our sex life has changed a lot over the years. Since becoming a mother I feel like he sees me in a different light now so I can’t be as ‘freaky’ and he’s always been the dominant one during sex.

he’s a very sexual human being, sex is constantly on his mind although his desired amount would typically be every 2-3 days. I’ve become more ‘boring’ over the years due to insecurities but mainly because he doesn’t allow me to be more ‘freaky’ how we used to be. I remember before having our children we would do fun things like sex in random places, quickies, take little videos of ourselves, I’d send him some nudes etc and basically just more spicey. Now it is just sex when he wants it, always at home never anything fun and no spice to our life. I’d LOVE to send him a sexy selfie or nude occasionally but I just know he wouldn’t like it like he would have before. Equally I’d love for us to send some flirty/dirty texts sometimes but that wouldn’t work because we rarely text eachother anyway and he just doesn’t seem interested in me!

he will complain that I don’t dress sexy, if I wear normal pyjamas he will complain I’m boring and has on multiple occasions suggested to me to start wearing night dresses to bed etc. (he typically likes me to wear a baggy top to sleep in which is my go-to anyway). Now over the past few months I have bought a few night dresses and worn them about 11 times and he has NEVER touched me whilst I wear them… I’m so confused! Even on holiday one night he told me he’d like me to buy a silk night dress.. he didn’t know I had already packed one.. I put it on got into bed and he didn’t attempt to touch me! He also doesn’t like me to wear lingerie… any time I have tried to wear some sexy lingerie or dress up I am just rejected.

tonight he got into bed (I was wearing a cotton night dress) and he started fingering me and having sex. Everything was going great, to the point he pulled out and went down on me to stop himself from finishing too soon. When it was time to continue the sex I noticed he went back down on me again and could see him start to touch himself to get hard again. I then sat up and went to hold him and try go down/help him etc and he literally would not let me! He pushed me away, turned me over to cuddle and said ‘I’m good, let’s sleep’ and that was it.

I literally lied there just wanting the ground to swallow me up. I feel so stupid! I feel so unwanted by him all the time and I am so tired of feeling this way. Even if he had trouble, he didn’t even let me try to help him. It’s like he doesn’t like me to touch him unless he’s told me to. I can’t just go out of my way to touch him ever but equally it was my turn to make some effort back and get him in the mood but he just wouldn’t let me.

im so fed up! All I want is to spice things up again. I want to be more freaky with him, I want to be able to come onto him, surprise him occasionally by going down on him randomly, take control during sex, be more dominant sometimes, send flirty texts or sexy pictures sometimes, have sex in fun random places occasionally etc.

at this point I feel like completely giving up. It’s been years like this and I absolutely hate feeling never good enough and not wanted. I know he hasn’t had this issue with other women. He is such a sexual person and would be so turned on at the thought of a woman doing freaky things but I feel I am just the problem. It’s clearly me that’s the issue.

why did he go soft? Why did he not even let me attempt to get him hard? Why does he suggest for me to wear certain things then not touch me when I do? Why is it only me he has this issue with?! What can I do??

Losing an erection does happen sometimes - it’s not your fault. He was probably quite embarrassed about it which is why he didn’t want you to touch him. This has happened with us a few times and I don’t even acknowledge it’s happened - it always comes back again when given the chance and not too much attention.

As a man I can say they don't always stay permanently hard and it's very easy to lose an erection when you're focusing instead on going down there (personal experience, maybe not every ones experience). He clearly has then got embarrassed with you, no doubt handled it the wrong way but I definitely wouldn't recommend making a big deal out of it otherwise as a man it's then in your head.
It sounds like a lot going on, I won't comment on who's wrong or right but there does sound like an awful lot of excuses for no longer doing the things you used to do which turned you on. Apart from a night dress on holiday, you haven't mentioned you've tried anything else, just that you've both stopped doing it and 'you know' he wouldn't want it...maybe give it a whirl and then see? It certainly sounds like you're not communicating and I would say to stay successful in bed long term requires an ability to talk. Also people change over time, it all takes work to make sure each other gets what they need from a long term relationship.

I understand my reaction being upset is probably not the best thing. He didn’t know I was upset as he just went straight to sleep and I left the room to cool down. I also get why he may have been embarrassed but this is something that used to happen a lot in the past and I guess it has just triggered me emotionally to feeling that it’s my fault. As in the past he’d tell me ‘if I wasn’t feeling it my dick would just go down’… so now I feel like he wasn’t feeling it with me. Although we haven’t had this issue in around a year now.

I’d love to take charge and be more spontaneous and freaky with him. The issue is he won’t let me. He only wants to be the dominant one and doesn’t like me to come on to him. He only want to be the one to initiate sex so we literally only do it when he wants and how he wants. I’ve tried dressing up which gets me rejected, I’ve tried simple ways such as just trying to kiss him or go down on him… I just get rejected and so I’ve given up and just wait for him to initiate.

he gets ALOT of female attention and it makes me feel like I’m in competition so I don’t want to do certain things that make me feel like I’m competing, I rather step back. Like I said he is very sexual, everything relates back to sex and he constantly follows women on social media that he finds attractive (these Instagram models etc) he also follows pages that post women in underwear etc or sexual pages that he finds hot, yet if I were to try the things these women do or dress like them he’d not like it.

He doesn’t text me ever unless telling me to do something, so sending a naughty pic is risky as I feel unwanted anyway that he doesn’t make the effort or want to talk to me so I don’t want to be embarrassed. I’m also embarrassed that he might just reply telling me not to take photos like that etc now I’m a mom. It is also an ego issue for me as he has lots of other women trying to message him so he gets the fun flirty stuff from others and he’s probably bored of it so it’s not special if I do it. Whereas I don’t get any fun flirty ANYTHING.

I should also add, he’d do fun spontaneous things with women in the past such as sex in random places and record it etc etc. why will he not do that with me?? Is it worth even attempting to try? I’m terrified of rejection and the thought of even just trying to initiate sex by kissing him gets my heart racing nervous

His going soft is not the problem here. That can happen to any man and if you were feeling loved, wanted and self confident, it wouldn't bother you.

The problem here is that your needs are not being met. One partner being dominant in bed is fine if you are both happy with that, but he shouldn’t get to dictate the entire narrative of your sex life.

He sounds like he is quite controlling tbh. How is he in other aspects of your life? Can you talk to him about other aspects of your relationship?

100% this, he went soft because the blood left his penis, no more no less.

it’s sounds so one sided

I agree, the real issue is me not feeling wanted or getting what I want.

he is very critical so I find it hard to talk to him about anything in our relationship or any issues. I have spoken on this sex subject multiple times in the past but it makes no difference. He will tell me to come on to him or make the first move but it never works that way. He also says he like to be the one to initiate.

im tired of feeling unwanted. Why is he so attracted to other women, absolutely obsessed with the female species in terms of even following social media pages of women he finds attractive, or sexy stuff but when it comes to me he’s never interested.

we do have sex 1-2 times a week but only when he initiates. It’s usually good (for him) he usually enjoys it and stops himself from finishing too soon and will say things about how good I feel etc but for me I’m just like the vessel hosting him. Although he will give me oral or try to make me finish too (he’s not selfish) but it’s never how I want and I don’t feel comfortable enough to even tell him how I want it.

sometimes he will ask me after sex what I enjoyed or how he could do better but because I feel so unwanted and not good enough most of the time it ruins my confidence and I feel embarrassed to tell him. I’ve made a bad habit of faking orgasms too because sometimes I feel awkward . The hard part for me is knowing he has had so much experience with other women that I don’t feel I could every compare

we do have sex 1-2 times a week but only when he initiates. It’s usually good (for him) he usually enjoys it and stops himself from finishing too soon and will say things about how good I feel etc but for me I’m just like the vessel hosting him. Although he will give me oral or try to make me finish too (he’s not selfish) but it’s never how I want and I don’t feel comfortable enough to even tell him how I want it.

@Frailer93
I think you have answered your own question, how is he to know what you like if you won’t/ cannot express it?

Freaky? Wtf does that mean?

He is gay. Sorry OP.

What a stupid comment

after the child he sees you as mother not lover now.

The going soft isn't an issue. Happens now and then and is totally not something to worry about on either side.

However the rest sounds terrible... He isn't pleasing you or even trying to. You sound shut down, unwilling to open up to him as you are concerned of rejection. This isn't a happy and healthy relationship. I think you need to discuss this with him, maybe with a therapists support to enable the two of you to work towards a more healthy relationship.

You say 'you'd like to' a lot, maybe that's part of the problem? Instead of you'd like to.....but don't think he'll like it, actually do it and see how he reacts. If he doesn't react in a positive way then you need to have a serious chat with him, tell him what you want and set some ground rules, not action for him unless he starts respecting your desires.

Honestly, it sounds like sex is the least of your relationship issues. He sounds controlling and you sound fearful of him. You don't feel able to communicate in the most basic ways with him.

He follows sexy women online - eugh.

Personally I couldn't be happy in a relationship like yours; I need respect and equality. If you need that too, you need to demand it and he needs to listen. All the best.

I would not be concerned about him going soft. That can happen easily. It may be he had accidentally ejaculated and was embarrassed. However, the place the relationship is in looks difficult. When children are around it can be difficult to be spontaneous because there is a risk of one of them walking in on you. Are you able to drop the kids off with relatives for a few days and go away the two of you to a hotel? If you cannot get what you would like it maybe you need to take marriage counselling.

https://www.modernintimacy.com/the-psychology-of-the-madonna-whore-complex/

you’re a mum now so you’re now the Madonna rather than the whore… you guys could do with some couple counselling to help you find your voice.

This. Madonna/whore complex.