Fix my sex life

[howto0]

Hi

Looking for some real honest advice here. Me and my partner are going through a rough patch and I'm worried we are past the point of no return:
• Dp never gives me oral
•Dp always comes in a matter of minutes so it's over before we get started
• never use toys/ dress up (partly my fault because I am so embarrassed and not confident)
• we probably have sex once every two months
• always very predictable in bed, in the dark before we go to sleep

We have long frank discussions about it and have both promised to make the effort but I feel like it just slips back into the same old routine. We are both early 30's and have been together for 10 years. I'm scared this is it, this is all I can look forward to. What do I do?

Talk again. If he doesn’t change then you decide whether this is a dealbreaker for you. Only you can decide that.

Thank you, I've repressed feeling like it doesn't effect me when in reality it really does

Early 30’s is too young for this.
does he use fingers to make you orgasm?
does he orgasm before sex to make it “round 2” for him ?
do you initiate sex ?

You could lead and put on a bit of nightwear that's a bit more fun than pyjamas.
I imagine if he's cuming in 2.5 seconds, he finds you attractive and sex pleasurable.
What was your sex life like before?

Yes he uses fingers but I have to move myself an awful lot and move his hand to make sure he's not just rubbing my labia raw! I've turned to using toys on myself when I'm alone and omg they are incredible . I don't feel comfortable using them infront of him because that's not something we've ever done. Sex before DC was pretty much the same!

As I see it:

• Dp never gives me oral
With me it's strictly no oral - no entry. It's a case of getting timing right. I make the situation clear before starting and say "down you go" or similar when I'm at "oven temperature" so to speak.

•Dp always comes in a matter of minutes so it's over before we get started
A pity but not a major problem if there is an understanding of what foreplay reallly is. Maybe suggest some oral only sessions too?

• never use toys/ dress up (partly my fault because I am so embarrassed and not confident)
If I dressed up for sex I would burst out laughing. Enjoy your toys but don't feel obliged to introduce them to 1:! sex unless you want to.

• we probably have sex once every two months
It's not all about him. Take the initiative. Grab the bull by the horns so to speak. But the key is communication, communication and communication.

• always very predictable in bed, in the dark before we go to sleep
Was it like this in your ealy days together? Try morning sex or daytime sex when you are alone together. It appears that it has become something you (seldom) do when you go to bed. And you know where the light switch is! For me, seeing someone you are having sex with is what it's all about.

You have needs, for some reason he does not understand how to address them, you have to ask yourself if this is because he is ignorant of what to do or that he just won't listen.

With me it's strictly no oral - no entry. It's a case of getting timing right. I make the situation clear before starting and say "down you go" or similar when I'm at "oven temperature" so to speak.

ignore this ^^ comment - if he doesn’t want to give you oral that’s fine, just don’t don’t do it him either, don’t make him do something he doesn’t want to ( just reverse the gender and think about that for a second)

I would say use the toy and show him what works for you with the light on, try and get him to hold the toy, or put his hand on it at least

I’m happy for anyone to disagree with my own choices, it’s their right to do so. But not to tell the OP to ignore. That’s her choice. We were simply asked to help fix things!

@howto0 Firstly I don't think this is the end of your sex life, sounds more like a rut you have both fallen into and it's going to take some digging and effort from you both.

Take a break, if you can afford to go away for a night or weekend without kids if you can (if you have them that is) and just have some fun, reconnect do new things and then find a time when you can have a chat, tell him how you feel (I understand it can be tricky to be calm and keep your frustration at bay when you feel frustrated) and ask him to tell you how he feels and listen to each other.

It's less about the quantity but more about the quality of what you both say to each other.

Outcomes could be many but taking yourselves away from your norm can really help and remember baby steps. Take a look at Passionate Marriage by Dave Schnarch, brilliant book, it may help a little or it may a lot.

Good luck and report back!!

Go/try tantric

Without being rude, those are your choices but not everyone’s, if the OP partner doesn’t like performing oral sex then he should not be told it’s that or nothing - no one should be told to perform a sexual act they don’t want to.

It is a bit nuts (pardon the pun) to define your entire relationship on a sex act.

It should always be about making each other comfortable, not making it awkward or forced. Where’s the fun in that?

OP, you both need to make this work; you can’t fix it on your own. It’s good you’ve had discussions about it. Have you discussed any actual plans to make things better?

@myNewName21 and @DixonD - l’ll bow out of this conversation as l don’t want to derail the thread and the OP deserves better.

From a personal point of view, l don’t think l ever suggested that my choices were everyone’s.

In addition, nobody is forced to have sex with me and it’s my body. If someone wants to share it, that can be lovely, l have a lot to give too, but on my terms.

There are so many threads on various parts of MN where things are not going right and that is because things have evolved without those lines in the sand being agreed early on. And the OP has said that he never gives her oral.

@StarlightLady
i don’t want to sound like a dick - I read other things you have posted and your sex life sounds much more “evolved “ than the OP’s and your preferences are of course yours preferences and that’s that.

but the OP partner might not like performing oral sex ( not everyone does), so it’s not really good advice to tell someone that they must do some sexual act or else there is no sex, how does that help in this situation ?

the op partner would be just as unreasonable to demand deep throating on sexual encounter.

In my opinion a good sex life is vital to a healthy relationship for me. I enjoy the closeness and the intimacy and I find a good bonk smooths over most minor aggravations! What constitutes a "good" sex life is very individual. I'd say you need to think about what you want.

1. More frequency - how much more? Will you initiate also? Are there times of the month / day you are more horny or less horny?
2. More pleasure for you - How do you see that happening? Are there things you want to try (e.g. oral, shared use of toys, lube, massage, nipple stimulation, blindfolds, etc..) It helps if you can be really honest with yourself about what turns you on.
3. Him to last longer - sounds like he needs to consider seeing the GP as he is hair-trigger. Certainly he needs to make sure you get off first before he goes pop.

Once you know what you want you need to talk to him in some detail. You may need to work towards things he wants if they are different also. I am not sure you can jump from crap sex to a full on Frankenfurter lingerie set and a flogger but perhaps a couple of more sexy nighties or a pretty bra and knickers set. It may help you to set the mood on "sex night" with a nice meal or a glass of wine. Consider a bath together or some massage to relax you.

However I'd really want to see him making an effort (and of course you making one too). It would be a deal breaker for me if he didn't bother.

All I’m hearing is that neither of you can be bothered to make an effort.

Thats not necessarily judgey (we’ve been through a similar phase) but if you want things to change you do need to put some effort in. I’m long term relationships to reap what you sow sex-wise.

I feel like I literally could have written this myself. I’m in the exact same situation, both in our 30s together for 10 years. We were massively adventurous to begin with then oral sex declined and so did other things from his side, so I stopped trying in certain areas to and we got stuck in a rut. I was worried what the future would hold as I couldn’t sustain a sexless marriage.

We had a frank conversation and it seems that we were both suppressing our kinks due to fear of what the other thought. We’ve also discussed buying toys to spice things up. I dressed up the other day and we had the most amazing sex ever. My husband did admit he needs to be led by me until it gets to the point where we are both comfortable so I’ve just started expressing my interests and it’s been fun!

It sounds like you’re stuck in a rut to and need to try and interject some fun back into your sex life. Maybe you could try dressing up and see where that leads you?

Get a few drinks into you and get a body stocking on.

I wasn't into dressing up until I tried it and even a body stocking will make you feel fab.

And to top it off, it holds all the bits in that holding my breath can't 😁

How you are in bed, is how you are in life. Embrace it, or make a change. (Totally, easier said than done.)