Sleeping

[Honeymelt]

Me and my partner have been together ten years. In the last couple of years our sex life has dwindled (babies, elderly parents etc.). This has led to some nights where we have been asleep and woken each other up reaching for private areas. I know he doesn't mind me doing this but I have told him I don't like it, however I have woken up to myself moving his hand to touch me so I genuinely don't think it's all been him.

However recently I woke up to his fingers inside me after we'd been cuddling before sleeping and I am very confused because it feels like a violation, however it also turned me on. I don't know how we get past this because I don't want him to think it's ok to touch me like that whilst I am sleeping. He said he knew I was sleeping as I stopped responding to his touch but he chose to continue/wasn't able to stop himself and he doesn't know why. Has anyone else experienced this and been able to forgive their partner and their partner stopped it happening again?

Do you mean when one partner is awake and the other asleep? Or waking while sex is underway?
My son was conceived when we both awoke thinking the other had initiated sex while we slept.

Well both have happened in the past I believe but the more recent one, he was awake and knew I was asleep.

No I don't think it's a thing. He says he just likes to touch me any time and didn't stop himself even though he knew I was asleep- the caressing had started before I fell asleep, I just fall asleep easily when tired. Not that he waited to touch me until I was alseep.

As much as I enjoy sex, I would not be happy with my partner touching me or inserting his fingers inside my vagina whilst I was sleeping.

Yes I was not able to consent to him touching me intimately as I was sleeping. However the touching bodies starts before I sleep and sometimes he has said he hasn't know I'm asleep as I've responded or perhaps woken up again. This time though he said he realised I was asleep after he put his fingers in but kept them there and I woke during this.

Well some people find it really exciting to be woken by their partner caressing them, but maybe a penetrative caress is too much
Just talk about it but start off positive :)

He chose to continue when he knew you were asleep. You had previously expressed to him that you didn’t like a similar situation. Therefore he knew there was an issue with consent and chose to ignore that.

I’d say there is a name for what he’s doing and no wonder you feel violated. It would be the end of the relationship for me. When you’re asleep, you’re vulnerable, you have to be able to trust the person in the bed next to you.

There’s some strange answers here as usual. 🤔

I really don’t think we should be normalising this. Consent requires a mutual response.

I really don’t think we should be normalising this. Consent requires a mutual response.

I agree.

I agree with the last few posters. Equally we have built our lives together and he doesn't want to do it again and I want to know he could stop it happening again.

I agree with the last few posters. Equally we have built our lives together and he doesn't want to do it again and I want to know he could stop it happening again.

He was awake and CHOSE to continue, despite knowing you had said you didn’t like it in a previous similar situation. He wanted to do it. He is capable of doing this so isn’t a good man. You will never be able to be sure he won’t do it again. You have to sleep, so if you stay with him, he’ll have the opportunity. Next time, he may just lie and say he was asleep.

Yes so I can live without a partner- how would I know any person I meet wouldn't do that or other things or have a past I am unaware of. Except I can't because I don't have his earning capacity and wouldn't be able to buy him out or pay our mortgage alone so I'd have to move to another area and our kids change schools. It's not straightforward and I do believe he is honest at least.

Yes so I can live without a partner- how would I know any person I meet wouldn't do that or other things or have a past I am unaware of. Except I can't because I don't have his earning capacity and wouldn't be able to buy him out or pay our mortgage alone so I'd have to move to another area and our kids change schools. It's not straightforward and I do believe he is honest at least.*

It makes no difference to my life what you do, so don’t get arsy with me. Your husband is the one who has done wrong, I’m just pointing out that you can’t know, that he won’t do this again, which is what you want. He’s done it once, he can do it again.

Staying with a partner who has assaulted you and made you feel violated is never going to be a good idea. Living without a partner would be preferable to living with one who you can not trust imo, even if that means some changes.

It’s your life and people in a forum can only advise you, ultimately it’s your decision.

First part should be in bold as it quotes OP

Wasn't intended to be arsey just factual. It doesn't feel like some changes it feels like it would throw mine and my children's life to something totally and utterly different to what it is now and clearly I'm not prepared to do that. Though I do understand it is his actions that I have caused it rather than my decision.

It’s very sad that you feel your only choice is to stay with a man capable of this. It makes me think he has worn you down in other ways too as you feel unable to cope without him. The relationship board can be a place of support if ever you feel you need it. Best wishes.

Yes I have been talking to him too, I just don't want to talk to family or friends about this so using here as an anonymous place. He honestly hasn't worn me down to make me think I can't cope. He has supported me through pregnancy, birth, and all the struggles of having babies and toddlers, looking after our elderly parents, joint bank accounts, sharing chores, school runs, childcare in the holidays, accepts me working part time whilst he works full time, we share choices of holidays and buying presents for the children. This is what makes me feel I couldn't do it without him because he really does take half the load and more. And this is what makes me feel so confused that he was capable of choosing to harm me when my experience of the the past 23 years has been so different of him.

So after speaking to him it seems I was very briefly asleep between asking him to massage my back/bum (which is usual and 90% of the time doesn't lead to anything sexual) and him noticing I I was wet whilst doing what I asked and putting his fingers inside. However he said he froze once his fingers were inside as this was when he realised I'd fallen asleep, as I didn't respond to him doing this. This changes things for me slightly, it's not as clear as he knew I was asleep and decided to do something sexual without consent, it was more he hadn't realised I was asleep until the point of sexual contact. Going forward we have decided to practice more enthusiastic consent and for him to verbally check with me that I am awake and for me to respond by text message as well (this is because I have answered him whilst asleep in the past). Then also seek some couple counselling as he really should have known to check I was fully awake before doing anything.

OP I would be really worried about your partner's behaviour. I think consent is vital, and he knew that you were asleep but he didn't stop. It sounds like you are concerned that he may do it again, and I know you would like to repair things, but he has to understand that this is a violation that also can lose your trust in him. I've had experience of guys saying that they couldn't help themselves etc, trying to push things further than they know they should, and afterwards I realised it was a lack of respect for what I wanted and I didn't want to see them again.

I think he absolutely understands this and would be willing to move out or sleep elsewhere if I were to ask for it. I've asked if there was any reason why he didn't stop straight away for example he was a bit drunk and he says he doesn't know but doesn't want to say that was the reason as it feels like an excuse for his behaviour and he knows it was unacceptable. I can totally see how he thought I was awake to begin with, where I asked him to massage me with my trouser pulled down and responded to this and to the point where I became aroused and he put his fingers in me and then this was when he realised I wasn't awake. He is a very giving partner sexually and usually takes note of everything I ask, for example when I've felt a position isn't comfortable he would stop straight away. I genuinely believe he thought I was awake at the start and can understand why he froze when he realised I wasn't as this would make him feel anxious and unsure about what he should do. Anyway I feel like I am making excuses as maybe I am but I'm not sure talking here will help as I'm the one who is living with him.