AIBU to ask what sex is like?

[BigSister1989]

So, to keep things brief, I’m in my mid thirties and in a relationship for the first time ever due to having lost twenty years of my life to severe mental illness.

I feel like a freak admitting it but I am a virgin. I feel like I am ready to make that next step but have to admit that I don’t actually know what sex is like? I’ve had a smear which was uncomfortable…

How do I explain to the gentleman in question that I’m a virgin and what actually happens? My mum isn’t around or I’d ask her.

Please be gentle.

Please be gentle.

Well that's a good place to start with what to say to him.
I'm assuming that you know each other quite well and feel confident that you can trust him?
Try to remember that no one knew what sex was like until they had it.

Sex might be uncomfortable if it’s your first time and you’re nervous, but don’t be put off because it’s not always uncomfortable.

I’d say when you do get intimate take things slowly and make sure you feel comfortable as possible at every stage. That will help you relax and it feels so much better when you relax. Consider having a drink (although don’t get drunk) because that generally loosens people up a bit!

Re telling him just go for it, if he makes you feel like a freak then he’s not the right one anyway.

All the best 🫶🏻

What makes you feel like you’re ready @BigSister1989 ? Have you done other stuff-like foreplay? To be honest if he can get you excited through fingers and or oral it will feel lovely… but he should know it’s your first time I think. He may need to be more gentle than he will be used to, and be aware of you emotionally. Which I’d hope he be anyway… regardless of whether you’re a virgin or not.

I wouldn't have sex with anyone I couldn't talk about sex with. So it's good that you're going to have the conversation first IMO. While you're kissing one time I'd just tell him that you'd love to have sex but you've never actually done it before so you're very nervous. How he reacts to that will tell you a lot about him. I very much doubt he'll see you as a freak, he should just be concentrating on how he's going to make your first time amazing!
You need to make sure there's a lot of foreplay before full sex, fingers, oral whatever and be aware that a lot of women won't orgasm from sex alone. Don't either of you put too much pressure on you to orgasm the first time though - that might take a bit of practice and increasing confidence. Just explore together what you like, take it slowly and have fun!

You don't usually go from nothing to full sex, so by the time you are ready for full sex, you are ready IYSWIM.

I think you should tell your partner. Or if not, say you want to take it slow.

The first time is usually not amazing- because expectation is so high. It gets better as you get more confident, get to know each other.

Good luck op.

Use plenty of lube 👍

I second the comments up thread. It is nothing to be ashamed of that never experienced sex nor anything to be proud of. You don’t need to explain anything to him, it is your private business. If you receive lots of oral beforehand it will help greatly.

Enjoy the catching up, but enjoy the build up too. Most importantly, you are very much of child bearing age, insist on a condom. 💕

Slow and gentle! There's a lot to getting intimate with another person that isn't about sex per se but is about getting your bodies to work together. For example, not digging elbows into each other or not trapping one another's hair (if any of it's long enough!) when you turn over. People are all a little different and the fun bits of the body tend to be quite sensitive. What might be ideal for one person might be excruciating to another. So it's a process of working out what each other likes, which is true no matter how many people you've had sex with previously. So in that sense lack of experience isn't necessarily a drawback - it may be an asset because you're coming to the event fresh as it were, without preconceptions based upon previous partners.

What is your experience of foreplay? Or masturbation? Are you familiar with touching your own body? What feels pleasurable?

I think you just have to tell him "I'd really like to sleep with you but I've never done that before. Can we go very slowly please?" Ask him to spend a lot of time kissing you, stroking your body, making you feel turned on, before he goes anywhere near your genitalia. Touching usually starts over clothes then progresses to underneath clothes or getting undressed.

If you are relaxed and enjoying yourself, your vagina will naturally lubricate. You'll get wet. If you're not wet, he needs to keep going until you are.

When you're ready he can touch your vulva. If he strokes your clitoris and labia, it should feel nice. You might like him to use his mouth and tongue there.

It would be sensible for him to try inserting a finger before full intercourse. If you've used tampons or inserted your own finger then you probably do not have a hymen anymore. If you do have a hymen, any penetration might break it. It could hurt momentarily and bleed a little bit.

Only when you're ready, should you progress to him inserting his penis in your vagina. Missionary position allows you to look at each other so he can check you're ok. It feels a bit weird the first time but shouldn't be painful or uncomfortable. It's not like a smear where you're tense, you should be relaxed and feeling turned on.

If you are unhappy at any point, tell him. Communicate the whole time. Tell him if it's nice. Or if it's not.

Please make sure you use a condom to avoid pregnancy and STIs.

PinotPony gives great advice - my only disagreement is regarding the lubrication. I find lube is a wonderful thing and I don't always get wet enough (no matter how interested I am) at certain times of the month or day. I encourage my DP to use as much lube as possible at all times. Don't feel embarassed if you aren't totally wet - good lube is your friend!

Me too, once I got to 40 it didn't matter how turned on I am, the natural lube is either there or it's not. Though of course a lot of saliva can help too.

OP make sure you feel relaxed and go at your pace, it's more uncomfortable if you're tense. Unfortunately I still sometimes do things when I'm not feeling relaxed or in the mood, and that still hurts.