Lack of effort | Mumsnet

Novemberrain56 · 2023-10-26T17:56:37+00:00

The past few times we have had sex it's been (for me) awful. Very little foreplay, missionary no climax for me then he says get your vibrator and I orgasm using this. I've said how unhappy I am and he just rolls his eyes so I can't really get any converse going about it. First time it happened he said yes I know I apologize it'll be different next time, but yesterday he didn't even say that. I'm finding myself withdrawing from initiating as it's always me.

NameChangerin0 · 26/10/2023 23:11

Sounds like an important chat is in order. You can’t go on being unhappy with it, there’s always a couples sex councillor too

Original poster

Novemberrain56 · 27/10/2023 07:58

I feel like I'm nagging though.
We've had this talk twice now, it makes me feel like I'm being used and not very loved.

OP posts:

StarlightLady · 27/10/2023 08:17

OP, how long have you been together? Will he go down on you? Sounds like a case of you showing him what you need. But he also sounds very lazy and if he won’t listen…

ls everything else OK within the relationship?

Original poster

Novemberrain56 · 27/10/2023 08:19

About 4 years, yes he will.
It's whenever I try to have a talk he just clams up, like I'm his mum telling him off, I'm sure resents me knocking his prowess but how else do I communicate my feelings.

OP posts:

tigereyes10 · 27/10/2023 09:20

I'd maybe suggest texting him exactly how you feel if you've tried face to face and it hasn't worked. I wouldn't usually recommend texting about this kind of thing, as tones can be misread etc however, I do think where sex is involved it's easy to get defensive and dismissive when it's face to face. You might end up spilling all your feelings out, might act frustrated (rightly so) but it can be alot for them to take in..they get embarrassed, they might feel under attack, not good enough etc and their response in that moment won't be what either of you want. I speak from personal experience 😆.

With texts, you can write everything out..go back & edit it, make sure it's not attacking and don't use phrases like "you never" "it's always". Try & tell him how things make you feel, rather than focusing on his actions or lack of. Then, when you've sent it he can have time to process what you've said, he gets time to think about how to word his response...and then maybe you can say "okay now that it's out there, can we perhaps talk calmly about this tonight". It's not easy and he might still get defensive, but from my experience once they understand that you're not coming from an attacking place, they let their defenses down a little.

Original poster

Novemberrain56 · 27/10/2023 09:37

tigereyes10 · 27/10/2023 09:20

I'd maybe suggest texting him exactly how you feel if you've tried face to face and it hasn't worked. I wouldn't usually recommend texting about this kind of thing, as tones can be misread etc however, I do think where sex is involved it's easy to get defensive and dismissive when it's face to face. You might end up spilling all your feelings out, might act frustrated (rightly so) but it can be alot for them to take in..they get embarrassed, they might feel under attack, not good enough etc and their response in that moment won't be what either of you want. I speak from personal experience 😆.

With texts, you can write everything out..go back & edit it, make sure it's not attacking and don't use phrases like "you never" "it's always". Try & tell him how things make you feel, rather than focusing on his actions or lack of. Then, when you've sent it he can have time to process what you've said, he gets time to think about how to word his response...and then maybe you can say "okay now that it's out there, can we perhaps talk calmly about this tonight". It's not easy and he might still get defensive, but from my experience once they understand that you're not coming from an attacking place, they let their defenses down a little.

Thank you this makes perfect sense and it's something I'll consider, probably a better way to communicate.

OP posts:

Anotherbloke1 · 27/10/2023 19:23

Don't let him inside you untill you've had a orgasm from oral/foreplay and make it clear.

Original poster

Novemberrain56 · 27/10/2023 21:31

Anotherbloke1 · 27/10/2023 19:23

Don't let him inside you untill you've had a orgasm from oral/foreplay and make it clear.

Interesting...

OP posts:

WhereHasAllTheLoveGone · 28/10/2023 22:23

What’s interesting from many other similar posts on here is that your partner is up for oral and open to sex toys so

@Anotherbloke1 She comes first strategy is definitely worth considering if it’s just the order that’s the issue this is the fix. Another would be to use a vibrator during sex or buy him a vibrating cock ring.

If it is as your post is titled a lack of effort and complete disinterest in your enjoyment,pleasure and happiness. Then unfortunately you have a bigger problem than a few decent tweaks will fix.

PinotPony · 29/10/2023 15:51

You need to cum before he does. It's that simple. If he can't be bothered to make the effort, he doesn't get the reward.

I would have thought a man concerned about his prowess would be keen to ensure his partner has a pleasurable experience.