Long story..Hope it makes sense. I am from a South Asian background and was introduced to my husband via mutual family friends. He's a successful kind caring and all around "nice guy" although from the beginning the sex wasn't great. There was so real fire or passion but he was a safe option in terms of maturity and no drama. Prior to this I've been in a couple of relationships where the sex was amazing and I think I told myself that marriage isn't about sex and more so everything else. I got pregnant about 1.5yrs after being married and that's when it really took a turn. He told me he doesn't like the idea of having sex whilst I had a baby inside me. It was depressing but I had no choice but to accept it. Afterwards he was full of excuses..tired..didnt want to have sex in same house as his parents (We lived with them a few months ) etc etc and on the very few occasions where we did..it was more about me pleasuring him and then it was done. Didn't care at all about me. Theres no affection or romance. We've been married 6 yrs now and I can't remember the last time we even touched let alone had sex. We sleep in separate rooms. I've brought this up a few times...which has been extremely painful for me ..but nothings changed. My confidence and self esteem is non existent. On top of this we don't have much in common. We don't have the same interests.. don't even really enjoy the same movies or music etc. We spend all our time talking about finances or our son. We spend evenings in different rooms. I hate spending time with other couples as it jst reminds me of how non existent our marriage is. He never understands any of this. Now we are purely housemates. I can't leave ..so no point discussing and thinking that. To add to this im pregnanct again via IVF. I have no fertility issues and went down this route as the age gap was getting so big and being 35 I didn't have time to sort the relationship out when I really wanted a sibling for my son. For the past year or so I get into bed and fantasise about what it would be like to be married to someone who loves me physically..where we share a bed..stay up talking..laugh together etc. Where he touches my bump..gives me massages..loves me being pregnant. Everything that seems normal to everyone else but I haven't experienced in this marriage. I dream about my ex ..actually have messaged him a few times. He tells me how much he misses me..how much he misses the sex (he is also not happy in his marriage ) and how amazing he thought I was in terms of my career / beauty / confidence etc. None of which I am anymore but he doesn't know this. The thing that stops me from cheating is hurting my husband and family. Not because I don't want to. I enjoy these dreams and feel depressed when I wake up in reality. These dreams about another life are the only times i am happy when it comes to relationships. My husband never brings this up and when i do he gets defensive or plays it down as if nothing is wrong. Or tells me i am expecting bollywood or disney like romance. I know this is not true as ive been in relationships before and see it happening around me all the time. My friends all have this. I get depressed thinking about all these years in my prime that I am missing out on living life like all other couples. I get depressed thinking about this baby due soon and I feel like a single mum having a child with my housemate.
Do I just resign myself to living like this forever since I don't want to leave ? He provides well for me financially..giving me flexibility with work and enjoying luxuries in life. Should I be happy that he does that and not expect too much ? I know many couples struggle financially esp these days and I feel I should jst be happy. But every night I cry myself to sleep and I don't know how long I can live like this but see no other option .
Sorry for the long post. I know u will not have answers. Just wanted to talk as too embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life about this