DH really upset me during sex - can’t get over it.

[headache]

So ive name changed for this obviously but need some advice. DH and I mid 40s been together 20 years teenage DC so sex life not that frequent but still good when we get going, we’re quite adventurous or have been.

Anyway a few months back we are getting down to it and I am naked (which is unusual) we’d had a bit of foreplay and missionary then were switching position when DH stopped, reached over to my chest of drawers and got out a sexy nightie and asked me to put it on. I did in the heat of the moment but then afterwards I got really upset and told him so.

He did apologise and said “he’d make it up to me” whatever that means but we haven’t had sex since. Usually he likes me to dress up as he says he sees me in well usually jammies most of the day so it’s nice for me to wear something else ie sexy I have never minded it’s part of our sex life he likes the undies I like other things. But it hurt that we were in the middle of sex and he told me to cover up my body like he needed to see that nightie to finish. I know my body has changed after having DC but not hugely. I don’t know if he’s having problems erm finishing as I know he said he found it difficult to let go when the DC were awake next door. He’s not said anything else since and now we are at a stalemate.

Man here. I have had the reverse situation, where a partner liked expensive lingerie and sometimes found it hard to get fully into the moment if she wasn't at least wearing a bra. Her clothing or lack of it was irrelevant to me, but I recognised that it made a big difference to her.
Anything that breaks the mood is distracting and unwelcome. Being asked to put something on has clearly registered with you as a request to hide yourself, but maybe the texture and movement of the negligee has become necessary to get hubby to the finish line.
Are you able to express your need for some reassurance? Our bodies change and after being together for years, we sometimes forget to remind our loved ones how much they still excite us.

A few months back ... haven't had sex since.
We all make mistakes, we all say the wrong thing. That might be whilst cooking a meal or having sex. When it's during sex, it can be easy to take to personally, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't forgive and move on.
Have you both talked about it since? Are you waiting for him to make amends. Are you withholding sex till he does? Is your confidence so dented his reparation is the only way forward? What would fix it for you? Is he wary of messing up again and avoiding sex?
It's easy to run away from these things or aportion blame, so you need to deal with the situation while you still can ... assuming you don't want it to continue.

you're overthinking it.

You were having sex, he asked you to put on a sexy thing. Nothing else to it.

Tend to agree with this ^^, you say he has been having some trouble finishing in the past, maybe he just needed this extra help

How would you feel if you wanted to use a toy to help you finish and your partner got the hump about it ?

Any long term relationship needs some level of novelty. We just get accustomed to the same stimulus over time and it becomes less effective. That's how sex lives become less exciting. Small changes can make a big difference. He's obviously getting pleasure from you, don't focus too much on bodies at that point, it's futile. Just go and enjoy.

You want sex with him? Yes?
So you take the lead, you could wear something similar to 'that' nightie.
Try in the morning or mid afternoon at weekend. Not late when tired.

I usually really don’t mind wearing sexy things during sex I understand a lot of men are very visual creatures and I see it as a part of foreplay getting dressed up into something I only wear during sex. It’s his kink and that’s great I have many of my own.
what I objected to is we were having vanilla sex and he stopped it and killed the moment to ask me to put something on , to cover my naked body.

I haven’t withheld sex it hasn’t been on the agenda just hasn’t been brought up. Morning/afternoon sex is a no no with 5 teenagers in the same house, paperthin walls backing onto 3 sides of our bedroom.

Did he say "cover your naked body" or did you hear "cover you naked body"?
I know that one of the reasons my marriage ended was, due to a blame culture that had grown out of any number of other things, both of us had a tendency to hear a subtext that the other hadn't intended, but which suited our own narrative.

I want my partner to get some crotchless knickers and couples bra, not to hide her body but to spice things up but. She has no issues with this and will get some.

Erm, how is that relevant here? OP is upset about a specific situation. Or did you just feel like oversharing? 🙄

Because the original post was upset about been asked to cover up with sexy lingerie.

You need to read what she's written, it was the timing that upset her. Stop using OPs situation as an excuse to overshare stuff because that's a grubby thing to do.

Are you new here? It's the prevailing theme of thr 'male here' responses

@MorningWorkoutOrSleep you are correct it was the timing not being asked to wear something sexy. It was right in the middle of having sex when you feel at your most vulnerable. And I don’t know what this has to do with asking your wife to wear crotchless knickers (if you want to go down that road I already have two pairs of them and regularly wear them)

Why are you assuming that him wanting you to dress up in something sexy means he doesn't want to see your naked body?

I also think that (as a human beings do) you have a very firm and fixed assumption

you’ve made a decision that his sole reason was to ‘cover your body’

and you are now really sad 😞 and have got it fixed in your head that the SOLE reason was that he doesn’t like your body ?

I really think you need to discuss this with him

@headache Poor you!!

He's clearly hurt your feelings and it sounds like you are both a bit stuck with this.

I agree that the timing was farrrr from perfect and also that us men can be simple (read a bit fucking dumb) creatures, I would say from my pov it's more likely he realised he was getting to a plateau pleasure wise and didn't want to not orgasm (possibly worrying about performance and not getting there) disengaged his brain and asked something he thought you would be fine with (as you usually wear sexy almost nothings) without engaging his primary brain.

Unblock with conversation and I reckon things will be fine, good luck and report back!!

As I have already said it’s not really about him wanting me to cover up but more about the timing of it, right hang in the middle of sex ie stopping the actual act to reach over and ask me to put something on.

As for the me who commented think about if you were in the middle of having sex with your wife and she stopped you, reached over got a t-shirt and asked you to put it on then went back to having sex, it would spoil the mood somewhat.

Anyway I made it clear at the weekend that I wanted sex, said it had been a while and that he still “owed me” from last time (his words not mine. He said oh I know. And then nothing. Now I have been unwell and I know he has been probably scared to touch me but I have said to him ask me, talk to me.

So I’ve tried to talk about it, told him I’m wanting sex and to ask me if I’m unwell. And nothing. Feel like rubbish, time to invest in a new vibrator.

I think you're over thinking this. From what you have said he didn't ask you to cover your body up but that's what you have taken from him asking you to put on a sexy piece of clothing.

Personally it wouldn't bother me to take something off or put something on during the act itself, actually i do put something on frequently during sex, i see it as no different to changing position or whatever. Most of the times my sessions with DH are long and we get really sticky and sweaty and we stop and dry ourselves of with a towel during our session and it doesnt put either of us off our stride.