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DH doesn’t put any effort in…

5 replies

Avalonya · 19/10/2023 17:24

DH just isn’t interested in me.

He has always had a lower sex drive than me, but he actively seems to avoid it now.

I’ve never told my friends about my problem, but it’s upsetting when they are complaining about their DH wanting blowjobs. I wish mine did, I offer and he scarpers! I’m not sure they’d understand how heartbreaking it is to have your DH not want you anymore.

On the (very rare) occasions that he agrees to sex it is over in two or three thrusts… He apparently doesn’t like foreplay anymore, and refuses to do it. He also gets incredibly defensive if we talk about it. I’ve tried so many times and he just shuts me down and makes me feel bad for asking.

DH does have a medical problem, and is 12 years older than me, but does nothing about it. He didn’t bother following up with the gp, and has never bothered picking up his prescription of viagra.

I’ve started to fantasise about men I see regularly on the school run, well one in particular. I don’t want to cheat, but have caught myself thinking ‘well, the family is probably going to split up anyway…’ which I know is bad!

DH would never consent to an open relationship. I feel so trapped.

I guess this is less of a ‘why do you think he’s doing it’ post and more of a ‘what would you do in this situation?’.

OP posts:
MindTheGapandJumpAboard · 19/10/2023 21:09

I’m presuming he has a problem with ED? Which, if so, could mean he is anxious about sex if he can’t perform? Not sure, based on what you’ve said.

Up to you to decide if you can live like this.

B1rd · 19/10/2023 21:20

You're not trapped at all. You need to have a discussion with your H. If he can't live up to what you want, you can then decide whether you move on or not.

MoonWoman69 · 28/12/2023 21:57

I'm in near enough the same position as you OP. He's 10 years older than me and has always had a low sex drive, he told me that at the start of our relationship nearly 30 years ago! Back then, sex was far more regular and good too. He's never liked blow jobs, as he put it "they do f**k all for me", in all that time he's been down on me twice. The sex stopped 14 years ago and now we live like housemates that share a bed! I can't talk about sex, I've tried more times than I can remember, he just clams up and changes the subject. I was a lot bigger when we met, big when we married, yet my weight was blamed as the issue if my comments over the lack of sex led into a fight about it. I have lost more than 8 stones and feel much better about myself, he says he's proud of me etc, but still doesn't make a move. I stopped making the moves years ago, as the constant rejection was heartbreaking and making me ill.
In most other ways others would say he's a good husband; generous, good work ethic, kind etc. But now that's not enough for me, I've gone through the menopause and I'm as horny as hell.
I've even told him I have toys in the drawer, no response at all. He just isn't bothered.
I have an inheritance coming to me soon, that's my out, as I can't live like this any longer. I'd rather be on my own.
Just recently, he kind of reluctantly handed me his phone to remove an app that kept sending him notifications... I saw an app icon for Shemales... This is the 2nd time I've seen this kind of thing on his phone now, both times when he's passed me it to do something on there for him. Yet if I mention anything about that type of thing, he just normally says that type of thing doesn't float his boat!!! And as I know his reactions as well as I do, he is being truthful... I am so confused about all this too. It's one thing being curious and checking stuff out, but having an app on his phone?! Which, by the way, he knew I'd seen, because he clocked my reaction, looked sheepish as he took the phone back from me and chattered incessantly about stupid stuff for 15 minutes... 🤷🏼‍♀️
I'm sorry I've commandeered your thread, but this is the first time I've got it all off my chest..
Sending you hugs and hopes that you can sort this... It's too late for my relationship 🤗❤

JoanMacIntosh · 29/12/2023 13:57

I have just left my marriage - he was 16 years older than me. Same position as you, fantasising about other men, wondering if it’d ever get better and he’d become more responsive to my needs. In the end I was wasting my time.

I am now taking the time to get to know myself again, there are loads of men out there who would be willing to have sex but personally I need time, I don’t want to be in a relationship with or marry the wrong one again.

Good luck OP, I know how you’re feeling x

MoonWoman69 · 29/12/2023 17:27

@JoanMacIntosh Good for you! When I leave there is no way on earth I want another relationship! He'd have to be pretty bloody special for me to enter into that again... Good luck to you 🤗🤗🤗❤❤❤

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