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Is my wife lesbian or bi?

10 replies

Deanlad1980 · 14/10/2023 06:30

I know I need to talk to her and I will but I’m a little shocked at the minute.

my phone had a dead battery yesterday so I quickly grabbed my wife’s (we both do this so not prying)

I entered G and as soon as I did there were multiple searches for ‘am I gay’ and gay tests.

then there was a search for ‘best lesbian dating apps’

sex has really dwindled the last few years 2 twice a year I think.

I don’t know what to say or do

OP posts:
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acpk55 · 14/10/2023 08:08

Not sure there is a lot you can really do, maybe think about how to support your wife through this and maybe what life might look like if you split up ?

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Namechangeforthisonly10 · 14/10/2023 08:14

Only she can really say. She is gay if she is only interested in women. But as you are still having occasional sex, she may be bi or she may be just doing it to hide her sexuality.

I came out of a lengthy marriage and had a couple of experiences with other women so I see myself now as clearly bi as I was very open to that happening. However, I’m currently dating a man.

oh..admitting I’m bi isn’t something I would openly share with either friends or my BF…so it might be something she will struggle to admit to you, especially if researching dating sites!

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lilkitten · 14/10/2023 16:30

Researching dating apps would be the red flag for me. I would be happy talking to partners about my sexuality, but doing it secretly feels like cheating to me. I talk to a lot of guys on dating apps who are not planning to meet anyone but are trying apps to see how it feels, but to me those guys are cheating just by doing that. I would be honest and say what you saw, and ask if you can talk about it. With me being ethically non-monogamous already it makes it harder for me to remember how it would feel if I were still monogamous, but if she's questioning things you need to have a discussion out in the open. My husband talked to me about his attraction to men years ago, he was very torn. He didn't want to act on it at the time, but was trying to reconcile his thoughts. Being able to talk to me about it and admit that he was somewhat bisexual made him feel much better.

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DGConsultant · 14/10/2023 21:14

Difficult to have a conversation, but essential at some point. She's likely confused and unsure herself.

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Whelm · 14/10/2023 21:30

@Deanlad1980 This must be very difficult for you - and her. Before jumping to any conclusions, I would bear in mind that while many people get a tingle when seeing someone attractive of their own sex, if she's confused and wants to know whether it's an occasional infatuation or rooted in something 'woman-specific', then dating apps are an ideal place to see a large number of women of all kinds.
Good luck to you both.

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acpk55 · 15/10/2023 08:39

lilkitten · 14/10/2023 16:30

Researching dating apps would be the red flag for me. I would be happy talking to partners about my sexuality, but doing it secretly feels like cheating to me. I talk to a lot of guys on dating apps who are not planning to meet anyone but are trying apps to see how it feels, but to me those guys are cheating just by doing that. I would be honest and say what you saw, and ask if you can talk about it. With me being ethically non-monogamous already it makes it harder for me to remember how it would feel if I were still monogamous, but if she's questioning things you need to have a discussion out in the open. My husband talked to me about his attraction to men years ago, he was very torn. He didn't want to act on it at the time, but was trying to reconcile his thoughts. Being able to talk to me about it and admit that he was somewhat bisexual made him feel much better.

100% this ^^ , if the wife has been looking up lesbian dating sites then she has probably checked out of the marriage already.
Sorry @Deanlad1980 might be time to think about life after marriage and what that’s going to look like

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Eleganz · 15/10/2023 15:28

acpk55 · 14/10/2023 08:08

Not sure there is a lot you can really do, maybe think about how to support your wife through this and maybe what life might look like if you split up ?

OP has to support nothing. They need to have an honest and open conversation with their wife and decide, based on what they know, if they want to remain in the marriage. That is it.

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mooneigh · 18/10/2023 11:10

Talk to her, You don't have to say about what you seen on her phone just bring it up in a random conversation. If she feels she is liking women but is still interacting with you in the bedroom then this sounds like she maybe Bi.
Have a chat you never know... it might be a fantasy for her to be with a women and to spice up the marriage, you never know she might want you to join in.

A few women I know in long term marriages, have done this and on the odd occasions have a session with a Bi escort and there husband has joined in.

Obviously it depends on the relationship and of course ground rules would be there. I know with people I know it is just playing around and the husband is not allowed to have sex with the bi escort, it is more for the wife to have a play about with the escort.

I'm not saying to do or suggest this, I don't know you or your relationship just saying though, have a chat with your wife as you never know.

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Janinejones · 18/10/2023 23:08

As you are married, the secrecy is more important than the label. The change from straight to gay must be worrying.
After divorce I changed, partly,- "I never want to be treated like that by a bloody man again."
But I was introduced to a woman who made a play for me as a man might. I thought why not? She was very kind. I am now 'converted'.
I certainly would not want to say "Never again will I have sex with a man". Therefore I am not lesbian.
This must be very difficult for you to deal with. But all I can suggest is that you talk. Initially you will go round in circles as often happens in relationships.
For the more serious of us, getting picked up to participate in a threesome is repellent.

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mooneigh · 19/10/2023 08:26

Sorry I missed the bit about her searching dating apps, yes this is not on. You defintly need to talk. I also think my post come across a bit wrong. All I was meaning was if it is a fantasy then talk and maybe explore together that is all I meant. I know many who have and it has really spiced up there sex life and there relationship is stronger than ever. As it was something they spoke about and did together!

I am not saying this is for you and I know it is not for many, all I am saying is you definetly need to talk it through.

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