Is lack of sex enough to end a marraige??

[Unhappilymarried1980]

Married 12 years, both healthy and in our early forties.
2 young children.
just isn’t happening anymore….like once or twice a year.
when it does it’s the same old thing and partner will not try anything new.
I was kinda hoping by now we’d both be comfortable and having valuable sex at ease.
is this normal? Are you guys in your forties having adventurous sexlifes? (By that I mean more than one position, in the same place that you have to ask for?)
I believe sex is a massive part of a healthy relationship? Without it your housemates?
i understand if there’s health issues etc.
if I talk about it I’m told that’s all I want to do.
for the record I’m not blaming my partner I’m just after insight to how others live.

For some people it is enough to end a marriage.

For some it isn't.

2 of my friends do. 1 of my friends couldn't, so divorced.

If you want more sex than you're currently having, then talk to your partner and discuss the options available to you (counselling, upping the sex you have, extra marital sex with mutual agreement)

Only you can decide if you want to live in this type of relationship. Good luck.

OP I sympathise wholeheartedly. I thought I’d share my situation because it may help. You didn’t say if you are M or F but it doesn’t really make a difference. I’m M late fifties, and the timing is similar. My sex life almost completely stopped around ten years ago - but I think it was in better shape than yours at your age - (although still on the decline.)

Our marriage is - apart from the sex - a very good one - we enjoy each other’s company, we have a good lifestyle and love each other! I stuck with the marriage and made the decision to stay - despite being desperately frustrated at times.

Lately in the last few years I’ve been really struggling with the situation though. Over the years I have tried everything to change things (eg trying to starting couples counselling - without success) but my wife does not want things to change. I’m now very seriously considering cheating- I’m not proud of that, but more than a decade with practically no sex is just weighing me down. I’d wish I’d tried to make those changes earlier.

My advice to you would simply to consider your situation carefully now, before it’s too late. Whether that means that you stay or end the marriage - that’s for you to decide- but think and act whilst time is on your side. It may be enough for you. If not and you want to stay make an intervention early.

I wish you all the very best.

So many factors.
My marriage struggled the last 10 years , lack of intimacy last 8. It can often be a sign of other things when it's missing. I knew we'd separate for past 5 years, just waited for stuff to be bad enough. There was other things missing - communication, support, enjoying each others company. Because basically you lose the intimacy you lose the connection and for me resentment and bitterness and low self esteem crept in when I realised he just didn't want me in that way and it wasnt going to change .
So mid fifties, separated in the summer after 25 years. It's not been and continues to not be easy - but no regrets. Cliche - but I'm finding myself again after losing myself for so long. I hope you're ok x

Agree with PP. A lack of physical intimacy in a relationship is often indicative of other issues. And there are no shortage of issues in your 40s - young family, the Care Crush, work pressures, menopause, manopause, general health - the list goes on.
Counselling might help, but only if you're both motivated and willing to make changes to yourself. You can't go into it expecting to fix your partner and - getting her to agree to counselling doeant mean she will ever be in the mood for sex ever again and it may well be the first step on the path to divorce. It was for some of us.

As with the PP, I'm in my 50s and happily divorced after a decade of unhappiness. There are lots of similar fish in the barrel (metaphore deliberately mixed), but what has surprised me is that, having been in a marriage without intimacy, and had a brief and lovely taste of it in the last year, I'm really not sure I want a relationship right now. Or even sex.

My advice - decide what you both want and see if there is aenoughbin common to stay together. Just DO NOT stay together for the kids - doing that damaged my DD and saw a (male) acquaintance of mine in a similar situation end up with a fractured cheek bone.

I do love my OH dearly and we get on.
but the last five years since conceiving our daughter our sexlife has been non existent.
i say I feel disconnected and unloved and all I get is I didn’t realise anything was wrong.
im not a massively sexed person….every two weeks would be fine but zero sex is making me feel so undesirable/unwanted it’s getting me down and affecting my confidence.
when we do have sex I’ve expressed I’d like to try something new (foreplay) but I just get met with (that’s all I want to do)
id hate for my family to break up but I’m not sure I can handle feeling like this anymore

I'm 52 and DH 48
Dtd 2-3 times a week now as oppose to most nights in previous years
Only you know how important it is for you
For me I need the connection we both have super stressful jobs and work long hours / 4 dc... it's the one thing that keeps us going amd gets us to sleep

My sex life took a dive when we were early 40s with two young children. In my case I was exhausted trying to work full time, looking after the house, taking on the mental load and be the main child carer, because my husband was unsupportive, lazy, selfish and just wanted to do his hobbies or sleep.

You write very, very similarly to another poster who wrote very negatively about his wife. If you're the same poster, which I think you are, you've had your arse handed to you under at least 2 usernames now.

That poor woman.

anyone can divorce anyone for any reason they want - doesn’t mean you are going to move onto something better, but being single and alone is probably better than being married and unhappy,
but only you can answer that

When our kids were young we didn't get up to much. It drove me insane. However, things have improved in the last couple of years. We even bought a sex machine, which has been a great laugh and quite a turn on. (I'm iny 50's, wife a little younger, been married 20 yrs).

I'm intrigued @CplT What is a sex machine?

(James Brown in my head now...)

My husband has never been particularly affectionate. There was no romantic proposal, no engagement ring even. He begrudgingly got me one after around 30 years of me complaining. There was a specific antique style that he knew I liked as we had looked at them
together. Instead, he spent 3k on something that was not my style at all. Too little, too late; I gave it back to him. There are no kisses, cuddles, handholding, I got a blank card on my last birthday that you might give an acquaintance! No ‘I love yous’ ever. Not even a goodbye when he leaves the house! Until recently there was some sex. All on his terms, and only ever on a Saturday morning. I might not feel like sex every Saturday morning. So it’s then a case of take it or leave it or wait until next Saturday morning! Too little time spent on foreplay, penetration for so long I’m sore, all at too slow a pace for me. Eventually I just felt like a vessel for him to w*nk into and told him so. He just said I’m ‘disgusting’ for saying that. I’ve given up trying to show him any affection, he just lies there like a brick and says he’s tired.
His response to me complaining about the lack of love and affection was to withdraw sex as well! I give up..

Have you done anything to try and improve things since your last post? Talked to her? Thought more about what you want to do? If you are seriously considering divorce then tell her that. If she can't/won't change and you're really that unhappy then follow through with it.
There are lots of books out there that you could try about getting the intimacy back. Or look into therapy as a couple. Does the lack of sex outweigh the rest of the relationship? Would you be ok about throwing away the good parts of the marriage over the lack of sex? Would you be happier being single and free to seek sex elsewhere?

It's a device with a dildo on the end. It does the thrusting, you can control the speed. There's a good selection on Uberkinky. My wife enjoys it a lot. I like watching it and being part of that amount of pleasure. Better than James Brown😂

Holy crap. I never knew things like that existed!

Every day is a learning day.

I'm glad it's working for you and Mrs @CplT

I didn't know until about a year or two ago. Modern technology put to good use!

@ArtAndMusic , well spotted, I was typing a sensible reply to her. Went back to check age in OP, and got the Spidey about it. Avoid!

You will get every answer under the sun as it varies so much depending on the people. But don't let the idea of being "housemates" scare you into a split you don't want. Some people get on very well with a "housemates" type relationship and if you feel comfortable minus the sex issue, there is no rush to chuck it in the bin

Of course a lack of sex is a good enough reason to end a marriage. What you need to do is decided whether it's a good enough reason to end your marriage, and that is something we cannot help you with.