Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Sex

You need to have been registered for 7 days to post in the Sex forum. Please don’t send unwanted PMs to other users.

Original poster

How to bring this up?

17 replies

20232023abc · 03/10/2023 13:19

I am starting to have casual sex after a long term relationship.

I am 40 and so far have slept with one guy in his 30s since my split but a few making out sessions.

I am speaking to and planning on having sex with a couple of guys in their 20s. The build up has been quite hot in terms of photos and talk etc and also the kissing and touching etc when we have met.

My sex life has been fairly 'vanilla' by today's standards. From what I have read and during some of these heavy making out sessions I have had with the younger guys they seem a little more 'rough'. What to me would seem to be a kink is a little more mainstream.

I am planning on meeting one of these guys this weekend and sex is definitely on the cards. My plan is to tell him before we get too far down the line (ie when making out) that I don't like the idea of being choked or my hair being pulled (or anal until I get to them more)

Is it a weird thing to bring up? In my 20s if I said that before having sex I think my exes would have thought it a weird thing to say as it wasn't even on the cards, but I don't know if I need to be upfront nowadays because of what is considered mainstream.

OP posts:
Original poster
20232023abc · 03/10/2023 13:22

That should say (anal until I get to know them more)

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 03/10/2023 13:23

Jesus do you really want to sleep with people who you feel might do those things without even asking first? I'd be running a mile.

Rieslinger · 03/10/2023 13:25

I'm with @itsmyp4rty but it's totally your call. If you are still up for it then definitely put down the hard lines they can't cross.

Original poster
20232023abc · 03/10/2023 13:25

It's all relative though. I have had partners spank my bum during sex which I have enjoyed and they never asked for consent and I wouldn't expect them to.

OP posts:
CplT · 03/10/2023 13:35

20232023abc · 03/10/2023 13:25

It's all relative though. I have had partners spank my bum during sex which I have enjoyed and they never asked for consent and I wouldn't expect them to.

Choking is a bit different though.

Original poster
20232023abc · 03/10/2023 13:38

@CplT agreed. I think hair pulling isn't but I find it really degrading.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 03/10/2023 13:52

If you’re planning on meeting specifically for sex then absolutely make it clear beforehand what your boundaries are (and ask him what his are, too.) Apart from anything else, it’s absolutely pointless hooking up with somebody if you have entirely different turn ons and preferences.

It doesn’t matter whether it falls under the kink umbrella or not: I don’t like receiving oral sex, which is pretty vanilla, and I’m always clear about that. If the goal is enjoyable sex for you both, why be coy? You wouldn’t keep quiet about something as banal as cuisines you can’t stand if you were going on a dinner date, so there’s no reason to keep quiet about your likes and dislikes in bed.

Wineismygoto · 03/10/2023 16:18

Putting your boundaries across before is really important. Communication really is key. A decent guy won’t try those things without at least checking first.

StarlightLady · 03/10/2023 16:29

I agree with most other comments. Stress you like gentle sex. And don’t be frightened to make clear your own wants/needs.

l agree with a PP that spanking a bum (which actually does have the benefit of getting the blood flowing to the right area) is very different to choking. But even the mildest of spankings requires consent.

Make sure a close friend knows exactly where you are and that you have her number. 3 more vital things, condom, condom, condom.

Have a lovely time but take care.

Original poster
20232023abc · 03/10/2023 18:59

Thanks @Wineismygoto @ComtesseDeSpair @StarlightLady really good advice there.

OP posts:
Sothisiit · 03/10/2023 21:08

Nothing wrong with setting out your current boundaries with new hook ups. Along as you're comfortable and relaxed. Just make sure you stay safe and play safe.
Have fun!

mnmnddddd · 04/10/2023 07:22

You seem to be expecting partners to do things you don't want. They might happen, but other than being more common in some porn than they were 20yrs ago, do you have any specific reason to expect them from your partners? They might be worried you'd try to kick them in the balls.

If you're going into a casual hookup expecting things to go badly, you're not probably not going to enjoy the sex as much as you could. You need to know your partner is going to respect your boundaries, as do they. So don't be afraid to discuss what you both expect first. Just try to do it in a positive way: there's nothing wrong with setting down boundaries, but it's better to say "I like to be stroked gently and be free to change positions regularly" than "Don't try tying me up and spanking me."
It's also fine to say that you don't need a safe word and that "No" and "Stop" mean absolutely what they say.

Another way to come at this, especially if you're with younger men, is that you could take charge of the sex. Be a bit dominant ... if that works for you.

Enjoy.

JustSaying71 · 04/10/2023 11:51

Yes, sex has changed. And, in the last couple of decades, the internet in general, porn in particular, have been the major drivers of the changes - whether for better or worse is a whole subject in itself. And it might be that the guys you're meeting up with consider rough sex normal, at least think little of trying it in the heat of the moment. It's probably also true that they're familiar with the 'rules of engagement' and pragmatic about it, i.e. the women they have casual sex with making it quite clear before hand, face to face and/or online, what they like and what they don't like, red lines etc. So I wouldn't be in any way reticent about spelling this out. If you move from what you don't like to what you like that could be a turn on in itself.

Anotherlurkingmale · 04/10/2023 18:21

Find it a bit of a shame the OP is having to get anxious about potential sexual partners being rough rather than just looking forward to enjoying herself. Surely part of consensual sex is respecting a sexual partner's boundaries.

Agree with a previous poster that the OP should use this as an opportunity to explore what she wants on her terms rather than being part of a pornified fantasy and hopefully be able to filter out the dodgy guys so she can have positive experiences.

Emptyandsad · 04/10/2023 23:08

I'm a big fan of the advice that @StarlightLady gives; you shouldn't be rubbing your bits together with someone to whom you can't talk openly about sex. Tell them what is important to you and ask them what's important to them. And only go ahead if you think you'll be compatible. Doesn't mean you can't experiment and push your comfort zone if you want to, but always best to do that with someone who knows that you're trying something new and may not like it

lilkitten · 11/10/2023 20:05

How did you get on OP? I'm 45, lately I've had relationships with men from 20s to 50s and I would say that some of the younger ones have approached sex with a bit of a rougher edge, which they seem to have got from porn. A chat about how I like things then made the sex better. I'm into kink, I approach every meet with a chat about soft and hard limits, what we both want. I don't do choking/breath play with anyone who hasn't done training on it, that and other risky play are so dangerous, a lot of people don't understand what they're taking on or understand anatomy enough to do it safely.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/10/2023 23:09

If and when I venture back into casual I’m going to be way way more open about boundaries op

men have normalised a level of behaviour that’s not what I used to see , let’s just put it that way

you are a prize
there is no scarcity
good luck and be careful

New posts on this thread. Refresh page

This topic prevents users from posting on it until they have been members for at least 7 days.