Can’t orgasm with a partner. Is this normal?

[anonuser2]

I am female, early 30s and I’ve only ever cum once with a man.

I’ve never had a long term relationship and most of my experience has been from one night stands / drunken hook ups / guys I’ve been dating for a few weeks. My longest “thing” has been 4 months and to be honest most of my sexual experience has been in the last couple of years where I have become more confident etc.

However, I just can’t seem to relax enough to enjoy an orgasm from a man. It makes me feel bad and it’s frustrating. Partly I think it’s because I can’t relax, but also maybe I am just not with the right person? I don’t actually think I’ve ever received decent foreplay from a man except maybe the one who made me cum (it was a first date so was v surprised it happened then and I never saw him again).

I have no problem using my vibrator btw.

OP, l suspect this is more “normal” than we would like think.

l don’t think it’s so much about being with the right person as the person doing the right things. I think this is proved by the success you achieved on a first date.

You mention that you have become more confident, that is a good thing. Are you confident enough to tell a partner that he is going for goal, so to speak, too soon? Tell him that you have not had enough foreplay. Even try “oh, so soon, this would be the quickest ever, l need a longer build up than that, much longer”. Personally l need lots of oral for a near perfect “celebration”.

ln addition consider asking to be held while you use a vibey on yourself. That can be lovely and far nicer than a man attempting to “drive it” and getting the pressure and pulse spot on.

Best wishes x

Thank you @StarlightLady for your reply.

When I meant the right person I meant more as in, the guy I am with actually caring about my pleasure and wanting me to have a good time because yes, as you said, it happened with a guy on a first date and I think this was because he made me feel comfortable and prioritised me.

I’ve had a range of experiences from guys who try but it just isn’t not working, right through to guys who barely touch me.

I think my lack of confidence comes more from how I feel about my body and letting go in front of a stranger. I don’t like the way I look and when I drink I am much more confident both with and without my clothes on. My one and only orgasm in front of a man was when I was drunk, but I’d really like to have more sober ones with a partner!

Yes I’ve considered using my vibrator whilst a guy kisses me etc elsewhere, or even if them using it on me.

I just need to find some men who are willing to be patient with me and prioritise my pleasure, but where I am based (London), it’s proving quite tricky!

OP, it’s tricky everywhere, regardless of population size or how long you have known someone.

It’s a case of finding people who understand that quality sex means shared sex, it is not something given but enjoyed together.

ln addition consider asking to be held while you use a vibey on yourself. That can be lovely and far nicer than a man attempting to “drive it” and getting the pressure and pulse spot on

Seconding this advice. DW and I will often do this while being held by the other. It's very relaxing and non-pressured.

As a man, I would never, ever, ever, think of having PIV sex with someone who I couldn't make cum first by foreplay. Ladies first.

I think you've just not met the right man, and it's not you.

@EmergencyGuy well that is very refreshing to hear! I’ve had some shockers in the last few years.

Yes, maybe it's to do with feelings about the partner in question. If it's someone whom I don't fancy, their attempts at stimulation, no matter how technically proficient, just feel uncomfortable. A friend of mine some years ago complained that she never had an orgasm. She and her husband 'worked' on this, apparently, with no success. He was not the most prepossessing individual and always struck me as rather slimy with a perpetually grumpy expression. I don't suppose I could ever feel horny if he were in the same room, or even the same building. They got divorced subsequently, and after that, orgasm was not a problem, or so I was gleefully told!

@AlexaAdventuress yes agreed. The guy who I was most recently seeing didn’t really give a shit about my pleasure. In the 20 + times we slept together, he only went down on me once (and it wasn’t very good). It’s sad really how I let it continue, but I grew up thinking that sex was PIV. Only in recent years have I realised that is not the case. I only bought my first vibrator last year as well, which made me realise how much I was missing out! It’s refreshing to hear there are men out there who care about the woman’s pleasure.

Hookups and ONS rarely lead to the best sex as its individually more about own pleasure and relief without caring about the other person's needs at the time. Much better with someone you know.

@Opentooffers that’s true. I am way too generous to these guys 🙈

In me experience it's a bit of both for me. The guy being at least somewhat skilled in realising what I like him doing, and me having enough of an emotional connection to him so I can fully relax and enjoy it.
One night stands simply do nothing but make me feel used afterwards, I get pretty much nothing from them I found. I think because I don't have an emotional connection. Now I just sort myself out, since that doesn't carry the feeling used feeling afterwards for me. (Nothing wrong with ONS, this is just me)

In a longer term relationship I find it helps to be able to unwind from the day to day stuff before hand. Long and slow foreplay, taking it in turns to caress and explore each other. I don't always like attention on me, so focusing on them can help me relax for some reason. But that emotional connection and trust has to be there already.