DH not interested in me

Banderbear · 2023-09-27T23:45:36+00:00

I gave birth to our first child 6 months ago and DH has seemed totally uninterested in sex since then. He was funny during pregnancy but fine, I get that he thought it was weird because the baby was in there. Then after giving birth I needed some time to heal and I thought he was just being really lovely and making sure not to put any pressure on. When I was ready to be intimate I tried a couple of times to instigate things but he didn’t let it go past kissing. Then one day randomly he got home from work when I was asleep and he cuddled up to me and we had sex. I was nervous as it was the first time since giving birth but everything still worked 😂 It was what I would call a quickie, no foreplay and he didn’t attempt to help me finish, then we went to sleep. That was over a month ago and he’s tried nothing since. Even when we kiss, he just gives me a quick peck. I’ve tried to progress things and even said to him outright that I find it strange we’re not having sex. He just said it’s because the baby is usually in our room. That would be a good reason but the baby has quite consistent naps during the day where we have at least an hour to ourselves without being disturbed. I just feel so unattractive and I hate that because even when I was hugely pregnant and even with all the stretch marks, I never felt anything but happy with my body. Could it be he’s just lost interest in me?

Rieslinger · 28/09/2023 10:12

No, from my limited male experience it's not unusual. Whilst all the wonderful growing and building and emotional connectedness happens inside the womb and the woman when it comes to a male partner it can feel very much the opposite.

Also you are both probably verrrrrry tired, work, baby, home it all takes a toll early doors.

My humble suggestion is to find a positive environment to talk, perhaps if you have grandparents who can look after your little one and the both of you do something nice together where an opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings can arise?

You both need to feel heard to be able to move forward. If he hears that whilst your life has changed in such a wonderful and huge way you are still you and he is still him you can begin the path forward which involves your physical relationship.

Good luck and report back!

Original poster

Banderbear · 28/09/2023 13:29

@Rieslinger
Thanks for your reply. That makes me feel more positive about it. We are both very tired of course. We have left the baby once to go out together but both of us were quite anxious so just ended up talking about the baby.

I have tried to speak with him because previously he said he didn’t know if I was in the place to be intimate. I explicitly told him I was and that I wanted to be but even after that he was quite hesitant.

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myNewName21 · 28/09/2023 17:49

Could it be he’s just lost interest in me?

I doubt it, but in his mind you might have moved from lover to mother, just try to give it bit more time

mnmnddddd · 29/09/2023 11:32

Every mum want to be close to her newborn, but if sleeping in the same room is difficult for him, remember your family is now made up of three people who all have needs. They might just not have the same influences.

Rieslinger · 29/09/2023 12:02

@Banderbear it's early doors and when you have had such a significant life change it's not always easy to bounce back right away. Keep trying on the date night/day or night away, talk, even when you are doing chores you can still be playful, a laugh here, a touch there...it all adds up!

You aren't alone, it will pass but it will also be different, you'll be fine as long you both put effort in, doesn't have to be the same amount from each of you each time, maybe think filling up a tank.

Rieslinger · 29/09/2023 12:02

Oh and keep topping it up, v important

DixonD · 29/09/2023 13:39

My DH was the same as yours when I got pregnant and for about 12 months afterwards. It did get better again but he has a much lower sex drive than me so it’s still not amazing.

I think having a baby is a such a shock to the system it just takes time to readjust. It’s such a big life change. Just give it some more time and hopefully it will get better for you.

MarkT · 29/09/2023 13:55

Interesting to read this and a guys viewpoint. When my wife was pregnant with our baby I can relate to how your OH was. It was different. By no means did I love her any less, but sexually it felt different. I was anxious about doing anything, and also felt all strange. My labido fell through the floor, as the same time hers went through the roof with hormones. Everyone is different though and think its a phase.

DixonD · 29/09/2023 16:03

MarkT · 29/09/2023 13:55

Interesting to read this and a guys viewpoint. When my wife was pregnant with our baby I can relate to how your OH was. It was different. By no means did I love her any less, but sexually it felt different. I was anxious about doing anything, and also felt all strange. My labido fell through the floor, as the same time hers went through the roof with hormones. Everyone is different though and think its a phase.

My husband definitely found it weird, although he didn’t say he just kept putting me off. The issue started when I started getting a baby bump. My hormones were raging but I left it as I knew it would pass.

Original poster

Banderbear · 29/09/2023 16:56

@myNewName21 that definitely makes sense

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Original poster

Banderbear · 29/09/2023 16:57

@mnmnddddd true. The baby’s moving into the nursery soon, so maybe that will change things

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Original poster

Banderbear · 29/09/2023 16:58

@Rieslinger I suppose it’s easy to forget about doing the little bits when the baby is the focus for both of us. I could certainly try harder in that respect.

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Banderbear · 29/09/2023 17:00

@DixonD Thank you. Our sex drives are usually quite equal but he has gone through dips previously.

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Original poster

Banderbear · 29/09/2023 17:02

@MarkT Thanks for your perspective. I could totally understand where he was coming from when I was pregnant so didn’t push the issue. I just thought it might pick up again after. I guess the dynamic has changed.

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mnmnddddd · 29/09/2023 17:03

Never forget each other. NEBER! There will be times when you need each other, because a baby is exhausting.
We forgot each other and it's ended in divorce, and that's had a massive impact on the not-a-baby-any-more.

Original poster

Banderbear · 29/09/2023 17:04

DixonD · 29/09/2023 16:03

My husband definitely found it weird, although he didn’t say he just kept putting me off. The issue started when I started getting a baby bump. My hormones were raging but I left it as I knew it would pass.

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This is what I struggle with. If he just explained why instead of avoiding it then I don’t think I’d feel quite so rejected. Even when I was pregnant it took ages to get him to be honest about why he didn’t want sex.

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MarkT · 29/09/2023 17:04

Banderbear · 29/09/2023 17:02

@MarkT Thanks for your perspective. I could totally understand where he was coming from when I was pregnant so didn’t push the issue. I just thought it might pick up again after. I guess the dynamic has changed.

Glad I make some sense. Always seems strange but way it was. But know its difficult in any relationship when labido levels rant matched.

DixonD · 29/09/2023 17:49

Banderbear · 29/09/2023 17:04

This is what I struggle with. If he just explained why instead of avoiding it then I don’t think I’d feel quite so rejected. Even when I was pregnant it took ages to get him to be honest about why he didn’t want sex.

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For some reason they just don’t like to admit the real reasons why. I’ve never been able to get my husband to talk about it. Maybe it’s hard for men to talk about because they’re expected to always be up for it.

Original poster

Banderbear · 29/09/2023 20:06

mnmnddddd · 29/09/2023 17:03

Never forget each other. NEBER! There will be times when you need each other, because a baby is exhausting.
We forgot each other and it's ended in divorce, and that's had a massive impact on the not-a-baby-any-more.

Sorry to hear that. It is exhausting and we really do need each other.

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Original poster

Banderbear · 29/09/2023 20:08

DixonD · 29/09/2023 17:49

For some reason they just don’t like to admit the real reasons why. I’ve never been able to get my husband to talk about it. Maybe it’s hard for men to talk about because they’re expected to always be up for it.

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That’s very true. I think because they’re told all the time that being a man means wanting sex constantly, maybe they feel like they’re not manly enough when they don’t.

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myNewName21 · 30/09/2023 07:53

DixonD · 29/09/2023 17:49

For some reason they just don’t like to admit the real reasons why. I’ve never been able to get my husband to talk about it. Maybe it’s hard for men to talk about because they’re expected to always be up for it.

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This is 100% true, there is a kind of expectation that men are always up for sex, which is just not true, tiredness, stress, emotional distress, relationship issues, self worth, self doubt, all these things easily switch the sex drive off

MarkT · 30/09/2023 12:23

myNewName21 · 30/09/2023 07:53

This is 100% true, there is a kind of expectation that men are always up for sex, which is just not true, tiredness, stress, emotional distress, relationship issues, self worth, self doubt, all these things easily switch the sex drive off

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that is so true but difficult for people to admit. I think with age and dynamics in relationships things change and swop over. with different sides having different expectations / needs.