swinging/swingers clubs - please help educate me around the motivation and enjoyment

[jacksprateatnofat]

Hi there, I am in a relationship of 5 years with a really wonderful man. We have both been married before for a long time (20/15 years) and both divorced. Both have growing kids, good jobs, and together as partners. We don't live together due to living with kids but plan to when they leave home.

In the past we have both experimented with polyamory - him much more than me. I have experienced threesomes but more in the context of me and friends over the years ending up together, and I had a boyfriend twenty years ago who I also used to have threesomes with, with people we knew.

My current man has throughout his life and with his exW too, experimented by going to sex clubs/swinging clubs all over the world with his partners. He has also been part of websites (swinger's world) and groups where he has joined in fetish type meet ups and joined couples as a "bull."

I am really happy in my relationship with him and I want to be open to things that make him happy as he is open to things that make me happy. We have visited a swingers club to see what it was like and it was fine. We didn't do anything at the time but it was completely swarming and packed and quite overwhelming but not a bad experience or anything.

I am just struggling to get my mind around the concept of it and wondered if I could tell you what is on my mind and you give me your views?

• There seems to be the potential for a lot of misses in the ratio of misses to hits, in terms of swinging couple compatibility. Even at the big swingers club we went to before, there was no-one I felt attracted to to pair off with, man or woman, and he didn't seem to be inclined to either. They are often quite expensive, you travel to get there, get your kit off in front of strangers, and then nothing? Is that just part of the enjoyment for swingers?
• When I had threesomes with friends in the past I felt like they were a known quantity. I knew I was attracted to them and they knew what they were getting into with me. The idea of meeting strangers and within 5-10 mins being kissing and shagging feels a bit quick. I am also a lot about emotional connection and pheromones! It seems like a big calculation to do when also taking many other people and their own preferences (which I am sure are as complex and nuanced as mine are) into account too.
• When I really quizzed my partner about why he wanted to do it like this, his answer is that he just likes to have fun, he really enjoyed his time as a "bull" ie going into other people's couples (MMF) and being part of those, and part of his DREAM is to be the male in the couple rather than the one coming in - the one cuckolded. His other fantasy is "having to satisfy two women at a time." I am fine with his fantasies if he really wants to fulfil them but I think there must be easier routes, like going on a website and meeting someone, rather than wondering around a club waiting to be picked up. Also we are OLDER (he is 60 and I am 47) which I presume means the chances of meeting completely compatible people who are attracted to us seem less likely.
• I also think my partner worries about his age, he feels he's too old for things and almost wants to prove to himself he's not. So if an opportunity does arise for him, I don't want to refuse him it because I don't fancy the other half of the couple

Am I over thinking this or is it normal? What would you reommend?

People go to clubs for different reasons. Some people genuinely like the thrill of being in a sexy space with other likeminded people and not knowing what opportunity might present itself. Some people actively like the anonymity and lack of emotional ties. Some people choose clubs because they think there’s a greater likelihood of getting lucky in a space with 100 other people, many of whom will also have the attitude of “well, we travelled miles and paid entry and psyched ourselves up and got dressed down so we might as well shag somebody while we’re here.” Trying to find someone online is the same as any kind of online dating: men your partner’s age aren’t in great demand in the first place and you’ll chat to your fair share of time wasters, flaky people, and oddballs before you find one decent prospect. It’s rarely easier, and especially not if he’s after the holy grail of a unicorn.

It’s relatively normal for women to feel as you do about getting to know somebody before banging them and to be choosy about who you do it with. Never “take one for the team” and go along with a situation and person you don’t fancy just because you don’t want him to miss out on an opportunity. It’s no fun and you’ll end up feeling used and resentful. If that means that you decide clubs probably aren’t for you because the environment just doesn’t turn you on or make you feel sexy then that’s a perfectly valid conclusion to come to.

I'm poly, we've been to a few swingers clubs but they're not my favourite thing as, like you, I need to get to know people. Finding one person we like for a threesome is fine, but meeting a couple where all four parties are attracted is so difficult. I think meeting online on things like Feeld are preferable. Fab Swingers could also be good for meeting couples. By doing it online, you could chat for a bit, and we always would have a vanilla drink meet to see how we got on. Generally, my group sex experiences have been organic - making friends through online communities, socials (where I am in Nottingham there are huge regular get-togethers for people in the poly/swing/kink communities), or where we have sex involving each others' partners. I would try a different approach if he is interested. Turning up to a venue feels like a big deal and can be a big disappointment. The difference between finding one person to have sex with as opposed to a couple is huge - I've had roughly 35 group sex experiences, but only three involved couples.

His fantasies read very me driven, almost disengaged from yours. Where what he craves is ego fuel with you as a plus one at the door. And an awful thing to write but I'd seriously question if such a relationship works, you've a liberal outlook, but he's an inner need. Same road but facing different directions. Which both tugs emotionally and necessitates quality time being spent trawling around clubs looking for the validation of conquests for him. I'm struggling to put a positive spin on this. You're homegrown organic and he's fast food, and swing clubs cater to the latter. Meeting a couple you gel with who's interests and cravings dovetail, or the unicorn of a single female, is a rare event. They work best as a place to parade yourself as a delicacy in front of the hungry, a greedy girls paradise, where age doesn't matter but appendage size counts. Leaving just one question on my part - how big is he?! As if bill yourself as a bull you are either hugely blessed or looking ridiculous, and he doesn't seem to be having much luck. Sorry if all that reads depressing, hugs A

In relation to motivations, just a cornucopia of channel 4 documentaries out there featuring swingers clubs, all available on Youtube, watching them has been somewhat of a revelation. Most of the people featured are deeply damaged in someway/have suffered some kind of abuse/trauma. Not everyone, some are just in the lifestyle and horny, but others are doing It to escape something. All interesting watches.

Most of the documentaries about swinger clubs are pretty grim. As you say, a collection of rather damaged humans. But I suppose that makes for better television.

A few years ago channel 4 (or perhaps 5) approached Killing Kittens with a view to doing a documentary. The members were asked if they'd like to be interviewed and filmed. Everyone refused to be involved, recognising that it would inevitably be edited to appear sleazy and wouldn't accurately represent the reality.

@jacksprateatnofat i'm the same as you, been open to pleasing my partner with polyamory (I think) but clubs have never appealed to me, although if my current partner wanted to go I would - prob just for a visit though.

@PinotPony , damaged humans, essential for better television. Handpicked for maximum affect, so they can paint clubs in a particular light. OP, not suggesting your partner falls into this category, obviously.

I've enjoyed visiting clubs in the past with a partner. We enjoyed the sexy atmosphere. Being around like minded people.

We never swapped but played close to others. We were exhibitionists. We also enjoyed watching others. My friends loved dressing up in lingerie and heels. Showing off.

Any questions?

I'd actually love to pop along to one for an evening, just to give It a try, open minded, they'll have singles evenings, maybe I'll make It a new years resolution, keep meaning to do It. As long as they'd not mind a blind bloke popping along for hanging out and maybe a bit of fun. Many in London...

It's worth keeping in mind that being poly and swinging are very different things!

Its not for everyone and it's not uncommon to want more of a connection before having sex. Many clubs have big community who go as much to socialise as for anything sex wise which makes it easier to make ongoing connections.

That said, something like this should be as much for you as it is for him. Especially when we're talking about bringing others into it rather than dressing up as something specific or similar just for him (think doing the whole naughty secretary when it doesn't really push your buttons but does his)

I think the reality with these clubs would freak a lot of people out who thought it was a fun idea. I've never been but when me and ex had our 3somes my requirements/ideas were things he really had to get his head round - yet this was his fantasy in the first place.

Not putting anyone off - i'm just saying the reality may not be close to the fantasy..

@DGConsultant let me know if you're considering with your other half - I can let you know some of the issues we had

@Confused118 , thanks for this. I'm a single guy, would like to go for the inherent experience and the unknown essentially, but the fact that I'm blind, single, and inexperienced, at least with clubs, has made me pause for thought. As you say, sometimes the reality doesn't quite meet the fantasy. It would be important to me to have a clearly defined social aspect as well, before any fun. Also visual/verbal interest, establishing that to ensure you/I would never transgress any obvious boundaries.

From your perspective it's hard to comment, I know as a couple the issues we had but these were more around my OH and me having differing ideas about an 'extra'. Have you ever floated the idea with an ex?

I haven't, and the likelyhood would be that I'd be going alone, at least initially. Best to use any first visit as a social primarily, getting comfortable withthe the vibe at the potential club and atmosphere generally. Better in a couple, definitely. Main concern would be if I'm ignored by people/they might be odd around a blind guy, or judging if/when anyone wanted to go and have fun without either not realising they were interested, or me accidentally touching a bare leg, for example, total accident, and It being unwanted and making someone unintentionally uncomfortable. Never usually an issue in my sex life, but a club might be different. You want to have a good time, and ensure being blind won't be any kind of blocker. Also unsure if club management would be happy for me to come along/might need to do some health and safety stuff. Who knows? Lots of potential questions, to be honest. I'd need the women to make It clear verbally they fancied some fun, I'd never want to make an unwanted approach. Embarrassing.

Main concern would be if I'm ignored by people/they might be odd around a blind guy, or judging if/when anyone wanted to go and have fun without either not realising they were interested, or me accidentally touching a bare leg, for example, total accident, and It being unwanted and making someone unintentionally uncomfortable.

Single men are generally very heavily vetted before being given membership to (any reputable) sex club, and usually have to pre-register for events so that their numbers can be moderated - otherwise the whole club would be full of lecherous single men. Yes, as an unknown single man, it can be very difficult to make in-roads at most clubs. If you’re inexperienced, aren’t planning to attend with a partner, and additionally have a visual impairment which you think might mean you may touch people inappropriately without realising it, then the best option is to look for clubs and events which also hold purely social meets for both new and existing members, where sexy stuff is off the cards for that night but where you have the opportunity to introduce yourself and get to know others who also go to main club events. After a few of those, you’ll know the lay of the land, your face will be known, and you’ll have a lot more success at an actual sex night once other attendees see you being greeted and welcomed by other members who they recognise and trust.

If you’re London-based then the alt-goth-Burner-kink-fet crowd is a very strong community and very welcoming of people from all walks of life and people who are neurodiverse or disabled. It’s not a scene you can just wander into without any experience or effort, however, hence the suggestion to look at sections which do socials rather than pure sex nights.

Thanks for the detail and lengthy post. I can imagine that single guys will be hevilly vetted, and just right too. It's not that I'd accidentally grope someone, but if It's crouded, people are waring little clothing, and you might be walking somewhere, well you never know. People just might take It in the wrong way. Social nights in the first instance, certainly the best intro. Thanks for all of this, incredibly helpful!