Fed up & frustrated

[Secretsexkitten]

I nearly didn't post this but it's got to the point where I'm so bloody fed up and not sure what to do about it.

Married for 25 years.
Both inexperienced when we met but my sex drive has always been far higher than DHs and sex has been...ok. Sometimes great. Never mind-blowing. But nice.

Recently it's just making me miserable. He calls all the shots. If he's up for it, great. If not, forget it. I'd happily have sex anytime!! Peri-menopause has made me frisky!

But it's so dull. Same positions. Same routine. He will do the bare minimum and doesn't seem to be that bothered. Almost lazy.

He'd rather watch telly or potter about with his hobbies. Like he's 80. (He's not and bloody neither am I!!)

I've tried lingerie, risqué messages, massage, even talking! He shows a mild interest ('ooh, that's nice') then it's back to the same routine. Or just no sex at all for a while. I really think he's not that arsed sexually & could happily not have it ever again.

Or worse, he gets all offended and tells me that he'll 'try to be better' in a hurt way. I am very careful to be positive and not 'You need to do this..' Id phrase it as 'let's try this? What do you think?' But he gets all huffy and shuts down.

I'm so tired of it. And so frustrated. I bet if you asked him, he'd say our sex life is great. No problems.

It isn't. But not from lack of effort from me. ☹️

What do I do?

Unfortunately some men are just built that way ! I can't comprehend it myself but loads of women are in the same boat as you are which leads to cheating or you simply have to accept that. You can try talking to him, spicing things up but I just think some men once they get too comfortable or complacent which makes them lazy !

Thanks for the reply.

It's all just so deflating. I try something, it starts off well then just fizzles out and ends up disappointing.

I don't know how to tell him what I like without him taking it personally and getting all offended 🙄

Maybe he knows on some levels that it's just not very good?!

I don't really have any helpful advice I'm afraid but I just wanted to comment in solidarity! You could have written this about my partner lol! Exactly the same! x

No real advice to give either but I’m in a very similar situation. I’m 41 and going through the same increase in sex drive. My husband can take it or leave it. It’s me that has to initiate 98% of the time.

It did get better recently for a few months when we had a talk about how much my sex drive had increased but it’s back to once every month or two.

He never replies to any flirty messages either and I really love sending them. He ignores them, or worse - tries to give me jobs to do instead!

I think people just are who they are.

I posted the same thing from a guys point of view (my wife making zero effort) and was told I’m the bad guy.

You’re not a bad guy for wanting a sex life.

Oh dear!! Your DH sounds very similar.

Once when I sent my DH a nude, I just got an emoji in reply. This one... 👍
And asking me to fill the car up as he'd forgotten to get fuel.

It's just bitterly disappointing. Not the way to make your partner feel wanted!!!

You are most definitely not the bad guy!! How on earth did they justify that?!

It's not fair for a partner to simply withdraw affection without warning and assume the affection-starved person should be ok with it and not have any objection. (Unless for a valid reason of course)

This is definitely not what I signed up for ☹️

I get life is tiring, but after 10 years you have to make effort or things become predictable (dare I say boring)

without affection and a sexlife that’s is fulfilling we’ve become housemates.

call me selfish but I want more I’m 43 and healthy as is my wife.

I know we can have issues etc but if that’s the case we should confide and or work on ourselves not let our other halves suffer the pain.

You are right; it takes work and if that part of your relationship is neglected the rest falls apart.

It sounds like we’re married to the same man 😂

I’d love to send mine a naughty photo but I think he’d hate it so I don’t.

I’d give anything for my wife to send me a naughty photo 🙈🙈🙈
more chance of winning the lottery

He hasn't withdrawn it though, you said your sex drive has always been far higher - why did you marry someone you were obviously sexually incompatible with? He has a low sex drive and you have a high one, nothing you do is going to change that and of course he shouldn't be having sex with you if he's not up for it - can you imagine if a bloke said his wife should be having sex with him whether she wants it or not? Well that's basically what you're saying here.

You married him knowing he had a much lower sex drive and now 25 years later you've decided it's not good enough. You can leave or you can put up with it, those are literally the only choices available to you.

Fair point. But 25 years ago we were on a more even keel.

Now my sex drive has increased which I didn't anticipate at all. I always thought it would diminish as I got older which is what I presumed would happen.

Turns out that's not the case.

So there we are. I didn't plan this.

People recognised your situation from other posts/username and you were saying some bad things about your wife. That's why you were told you were the 'bad guy' I'm afraid. Please don't try to make posters think you were not the problem.

I’m confused 🤷‍♂️

No you're not.

I think that maybe you are being slightly unfair on your husband, if your sex drive has been higher, I assume with Peri it’s even higher & your husband is probably feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable by your current demandsand probably doesn’t know how to respond ( or is physically unable),
maybe you will simply have to go back to basics and forget about the sexy messages and underwater simply initiate sex more often and unfortunately stick with asking for what you want

My DW and I had very similar sex drives when younger , both enjoyed it a lot , fast forward nearly 40 years, mines still the same, hers has pretty much vanished, no suggestions to help I’m afraid, I’ve tried all the talking, suggesting new things etc but unless she wants to, which is increasingly rare, nothing happens, I’ve pretty much stopped bothering as it’s not worth the feeling of being pushed away, just enjoy it on the rare occasion she wants to